The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a 40 year old mother of two teenage boys. This December I will be married to my husband 20 years and while we originally were planning to renew our vows, he is now incarcerated instead. Over the course of our entire marriage, he has struggled w/ drug addiction and been in and out of jail several times. Now it almost feels normal. This time is probably his longest stay and while I should be sad, I sort of feel relieved a little. Because for a few months, there will be no drama. No sense of me feeling like I am babysitting him or having to wonder about his lies. I love my husband very much and struggled as to whether to leave him. Everyone told me that I should run. However, no matter what we have ever been through together, I have never questioned his love for me. Except for the few times that I ask myself "If he loved me, he wouldn't do these things". I found Al-Anon a couple weeks ago but have only attended one time. I am planning on going to my second meeting this week. What I struggle with the most is feeling guilty about feeling like this is a vacation. It's drama free.
My greatest fear is that when he does come home that I won't be able to apply all of these techniques that I have learned. I am trying to change the way I think about things but am afraid that it will still be hard for me to not judge him at time or place blame. Or watch him all the time. He told me that he always felt like a failure at home because it was like I was always watching him waiting for him to goof up. And that's true, I did. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to change that.
Also, if I'm relieved that he's away, what does that say about us. Does that mean we should just split up. How can you love your spouse and want a break from them?
Also, I forgot to mention, after his last time in jail, he went from jail to rehab, and was clean for 3 years. We were very happy and then while on probation he violated it by failing his drug test. So here he is, in jail again. Everytime he swears it is always the last time.
-- Edited by ConcernedMomma on Sunday 1st of September 2013 03:19:06 PM
As an alcoholic, I will never swear I won't get drunk again. Doing that is showing a lack of a good program right there. I can only say I will do my best to work a program of recovery a day at a time. With no program, an addict will relapse the majority of the time. It's just a waiting game.
As far as feeling like you have to suffer cuz he is suffering? Well, that's just 1 thing to work on. He has his choices and his consequences. You can detach and it's okay. The more you can be financially independent, sociallysupported and grouded without him, the less vulnerable you are to the damage caused by his disease. I don't think you really want a break from him as much as you want a break from his disease...that part I totally understand. Who wouldn't want a break from that?
So anyhow, promises of sobriety and good choices mean little without a program of recovery to back it up - but like I said - NA and/or AA would have him saying it's a day at a time anyhow so making forever promises to never relapse is pointless.
I can identify with being scared that if I changed, grew more confident and less codependent, I would outgrow my partner (who was an alcoholic too). Well, that did wind up happening but it doesn't mean it will happen that way with you. It is possible to let him stumble, have his struggles, own his own disease, and you find things that make you happy and stay centered in the midsts of all of it. Better to do that than have the disease drag both of you down right?
As far as waiting for him to screw up again? Well, that's something to detach from too. That's his track record right? His actions caused that. Keeping your expectations low is a protective maneuver you developed and it makes sense. If he wants that to change he will have to do the 1 thing that has been hardest for him. Stop screwing up.
Aloha Concerned and welcome back to the board...You're a newbie and so you don't "get it" the first time you think you should know. Addiction to alcohol and drugs is way way older than we realize so we're coming in second to it from the start. Good you got to your first meeting and have another in mind. Do get to as many as you can to learn and find out if Al-Anon is for you. When you're there get to the literature table and go thru the pamphletes and check out the books available. Get the phone numbers of members so you can hook up with them when you need that voice of reassurance.
One thing I learned in Al-Anon was to recognize that I had a wife and that she was alcoholic/addict. I could identify both at times by just how they stood in one place and so I would identify my alcoholic as "my alcoholic" and my wife and spouse as just that...No my alcoholic.
Learn as much as you can about the disease to help understand what an uphill battle "they" have if they don't have a program of recovery. Since addiction is a compulsion of the mind...drinking and using is more often if not most often what is on their mind than you are. If he is not drinking or using and not in a program of recovery he is still thinking and feeling about it.
Don't worry about the "hard" stuff in learning this recovery. It takes time so let time take time...Take what you like and leave the rest for later and the program will become easier. Keep coming back here. Get as much informatin as you can, read, read, read and then do something different than what you are doing now and not working. You're not his Mama you're his wife. Let him have and feel the pain of the negative consequences of his choices and if he's looking for a response from you "Ohhhhh Well" is a good one and it worked for me. (((hugs)))
One recent breakthrough I have had regarding my own internal eye-rolling at the drama, is that it's perfectly fine for me not to like the outbursts. I'm not blaming or shaming him while I'm disliking the dramatic outbursts. It's really enough that I simply don't like them, like I don't like blue cheese! I don't feel like I am blaming or judging him for doing it, any more.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Tuesday 3rd of September 2013 10:20:22 PM
