The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've heard that guilt is feeling bad about something we've done. Shame is about feeling bad about who we are. One we can change - the thing we did as in making an amends. The other is not true. I've also heard that without darkness, we cannot see the stars.
I've had an experience like that once, although it wasn't shame. It felt like it would never end. And it did. I just kept doing what was set before me to do. I felt what I felt. I thought what I thought. I said what I wanted to say. And I waited in the dark of faith, trusting as difficult as it all was - that HP was present to me in a way I couldn't experience but would - just not in my time. A friend of mine once said that I could be sure I had experienced HP's presence when I felt HP's absence. The sense of HP's absence is assurance of a deepening of faith in something/someone greater than ourselves.
This might not be of help to you, but it has been my experience.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 31st of August 2013 11:26:55 PM
It's humbling for me to admit. I have a Great Spiritual recovery with tons of wisdom thanks to God and the members of alanon and yet I lack the power (wisdom) to know how to lighten up and move forward in my thinking. Try as I might, I cannot shake the place I am in .. Funniest way to put it is I feel like I have Unfinished business and can't move toward the light. Seem to be stuck. My perception is in a process of clearing but what a dark place in the path I'm on. It feels blacker than black. I know God is in this and with me. I know because I see my recovery process... I couldn't see my hp until I began to remove some of me; my side of the street. The more I removed, the more I could see. It's the hope I have knowing hp is still very much with me. I'm trying to say thank you for answers on the way. They always come.
Anyone ever experience the dark in recovery as in just before a spiritual awakening; darkest before dawn type of thing? I think I truly just need hope tonight just to carry me through this. It will pass; I know it will.
I was reading the post; don't take yourself too seriously and know for sure I do .. I wish I could say oh yeah didn't take myself too serious today but that would not be honest. Have to say though I loved the post about the trampoline jumps and the sprinkler.. could try jumping on the bed but i'm not sure my daughter whose sleeping with me tonight (we're not at home) would appreciate it. lol that or the sink sprayer I would have to use to substitute the hose tonight ..
Thanks for putting up with me to anyone who replies .. I'm doin the walk of shame tonight I think ..
I do understand where you find yourself and applaud your honesty, faith and humility. Yes, I have found myself in the dark place. Seeing and feeling my truth and owning the pain was very difficult and my sponsor advised me that this was part of my Step 6 "Becoming Entirely Ready to ask HP to Lift My Shortcomings. Working the 4 and 5th Steps helped me to see my reality and my part in the happenings of my life. It also helped me to finally accept the fact that I was an imperfect Human Being who had many assets, and a few shortcoming that hurt me. Being accepted by the person I shared my 5Th Step with, released the guilt and shame I felt for my hidden fears and thoughts.
You are doing fine. HP his walking with you as your progress and you are not alone
Thanks to you both .. I love these shares and the idea that I could be sure I had experienced HP's presence when I felt HP's absence. That is a truly powerful thought .. It will help me to get some much needed sleep tonight ..
Part of the awakening was that the acronym for FEAR was False Evidence (my head does the pictures) Appearing Real (and then it believes it as fact which it isn't...it's feeling). Darkness use to have a negative default feeling for me until I accepted that it was merely the absense of light which didn't change me. You can learned to see the other contrast while in the darkless...the white light that is just as you can understand the darkness while experiencing the light. Metaphors (pictures) is how I see and hear. Spiritual darkness for me is the absense of God or said using God's name...the absense of Love. The absense of Love for me is FEAR this coming from a direct lesson from my Higher Power accompanied with a visual presentation. I enjoy the visualization of stars in the presense of darkness...for me that is the contrast I need to see and understand. You can be in darkness with out fear I don't believe that you can be in darkness without God. I don't get to determine God other than God Is. That I can determine because I know myself both with and with out and with I am fearless...loving and loveable...just for me.
Maybe what is lacking is confidence in the relationship...belief that it is real...certain that it is what is supposed to be inspite of every other want, or need or desire. When I have it, I need nothing else. As a young child growing up in an organized religion I was told and taught that Faith was believing without seeing and then in Al-Anon I receive clarity..."Faith is not so much believing without seeing as it is accepting without reservation". Rocket science of spiritual recovery. Without reservation darkness means I know even when I don't see. Stuff I learned in recovery which I've worked and still do.
I read your post (several times and run it thru the filter of my own experiences) and I re-experience the lack of trust..."is this really real". It took time to accept that this thing called spiritual, mental, emotional and physical recovery..this Al-Anon thingy with the Higher Power that accompanied me into it was exactly that. I acted as if back then until I didn't have to act anymore. I knew and knew that I knew. I am a miracle. Absolutely nothing shameful about that. Keep coming back. We will love you till you learn to love yourself. ((((hugs))))
Jerry Thanks .. I love this post .. I want to print it but can't at the moment; this belongs on my fridge as a Constant reminder .. I love the way you put this in check for me. My head can still be so in the clouds and the darkness just being absence of God or love. I need to look at these (and will probably reread this post several times as well) .. I get so in the all or nothing and projecting that I can still really make things big or rather .. distorted. Thank God though I'm not where I was in the beginning ..
I know I wonder too if this can all really be real .. it goes with the timing of recognizing it isn't all about me as I once thought .. Step 2 .. Came to believe what He could do. Step 3 as we began to Understand Him it became easier to turn this all over. I love the learning and even though I am still in a place of darkness I love even the reminder it isn't all dark or all light; there are always stars of light and you are one of them for me .. Thanks so much for loving me .. I'll get there eventually because I'm still following !! (((hugs in return )))
Anyone ever experience the dark in recovery as in just before a spiritual awakening; darkest before dawn type of thing? I think I truly just need hope tonight just to carry me through this. It will pass; I know it will.
yea, I get dark b4 dawn moments a lot lately, but the fact is...I can ride out the dark and I do see the dawn.....no worries , you are progressing, on a journey and it is potholes along the way...I left this board for several months...then again a few weeks ago b/c I just did not know what to do w/me....
a good convo, all weekend w/my recovery AA mate and best friend showed me things I need to work on, steady...expect some chuck holes, on the way to progress, but no worries...its all growing pains.....lately I decided to work on being more balanced and variety on my recovery...used to be all posting on the boards, but I am not progressing doing just that...I need the meets and one on one stuff w/my recovery mates....what feeds me I gotta do...U will figure it out as you travel in recovery...you will be on smooth pavement then bump and grind on the potholes, but the journey will go on..
as long as the steps and literaure and slogans and meets and sponsor work are in the forefront for me, I do feel hope about me...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
when I think about it and reflect even on past recovery, it helps to remember I do see the dawn. I know it's coming .. expect some chuck holes is a good reminder .. I recognize it's as if I don't expect any and that goes hand in hand with perfection .. I finally saw perfection for me was All happiness, no sadness, all hope, no doubts, all courage, no weakness, etc.. when I saw it I realized I lived with this type of thinking deep down forever and when I felt anything, I was So hard on myself .. I still am but again not near what I was before I came in. Seeing how unrealistic it was is really for the first real time .. I finally heard from another tonight who shared a story of wanting to talk to her alc and him not talking at all about feelings .. She said, I dunno, he wants me to be happy .. and I realized when she was saying it in the moment she brought up anything real she would feel sad while she shared even .. I saw it in a different way .. when they say be happy, they literally mean be happy All the time .. how unrealistic is that and yet I fed into it. at any rate grateful it led me here .. feels good to see it .. I'm beginning to think the dark is also just confusion .. the old you're clueless as in, in the dark type of thing .. all the spiritual confusion I've needed to work through .. boy there's been much to clean up ! so much all or nothing .. hope this is readable, I'm soo tired; I'm finally going to bed .. hope everyone had a good labor day !
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 3rd of September 2013 03:34:46 AM
