The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This might be better suited on the adult child board - however, because my father is still an active alcoholic, I'm bringing it here.
Sorry if it's out of place. I know you guys can take it : )
So - this weekend is my fathers birthday. He will be 66. He can't drink a whole lot these days - I suspect he does in secret, but I don't allow my mind to sit on that thought for more than a second or 2 because I can't know and It's out of my control anyway. What good does it do me??? So I just don't do it.
I do other stuff that isn't so healthy tho - and I'm here because I need support. It's just not so easy to get my mind off the old role I fall into.
It's begun already. My mother left my dad when he wouldn't quit drinking around the time I was 12. I lived with my dad, and my sister and brother went to live with my mum. However... they were both in such deep depressions, I ended up having to go where ever my brother and sister were, to make sure they got fed and to school and taken care of etc. I also had responsibilities for chores on the farm, because after my Mom left, it was up to my dad and I to do it all, and I could barely reach the pedals of the tractor - but I learned fast, and I got strong, and we did it until the small family farm dairyland crashed around 1990. He sold out when I was in jr high - so I was more able to help my mom then take care of my siblings.
You see the pattern here... running around trying to keep everything together in the households/farm - and trying to mend the broken hearts of everyone around me. Most of the ME mending came through writing music - I hoarded music time and became obsessed with it. Guess what? Now I'm a music teacher LOL
Anyway. The weekend is here. It's the weekend at the lake home, and my family will be expecting that I take care of everything. I will call everyone, make all the arrangements, all the food, all the activities, etc etc.
It's Friday and I've begun the old pattern, but only 1/2 a**
I've not actually made any food - only shopped for it. I've only made about 1/2 the calls.
I realized that I would JUST love to just show up for once - and the first time ever - just be me. I don't want the control - I resent it and always have... but the guilt of seeing disappointed sadness on my dad's face is unbearable. He is really into his bday.
But wait - no one does anything like this for me on my bday. If I want a bday party - I do all of the above for me.
Everyone just shows up.
So what will happen if I just show up this weekend and not arrange anything? Everyone is so used to it that they will be in shock if I just show up as me. Most others will not even come because they wont know - the ones who do will call me insisting on answers... they will assume I'm making sure everything is going to work etc. There will be no food.
Can I really just leave it up to them? Like they do for me??
Why am I so petrified of this??? Why is it even on me???
Everyone's been calling me for days asking me what's up -a nd I just say "sorry, I haven't gotten hold of everyone yet".
I haven't tried
What's happening? What am I supposed to do? What do I do if my dad get's really pissed and leaves and gets drunk? He's going to I bet. I know I could stop this. My Mom will go into her weird mode - my sister will shut down - my husband will feed his TV addiction with the kids... what will I do if I just leave it like that? I don't know how to act like anything else. Will I just sit there and not care? I'll care - I know I'll care.
-- Edited by Tasha on Friday 30th of August 2013 04:26:34 PM
I was told long ago to look for the similarities, and not the differences. And right now I am applying that to myself, of course...!
As I read your share- there is a generation apart, but I am seeing lots of similarities.
Even though we are online here... I think these things were meant to be... ... and I do think that right this minute you are in exactly the right place!
One day at a time, for me... there is time to tease out the issues... little by little... my dad got sober the day he died. To be honest I never really tried to stop him drinking. It wasn't on my plate. But I spent the best part of my life trying to prop him up. And tried to pick up the pieces.
I had to really- for all sorts of reasons. I am really looking forward to the next shares to your thread...
Right this minute I feel embarrassed and shamed about responding to your thread. It's old stuff for me This is how we help one another in Alanon... it surely is!
Thanks for your post, I too have my Dad as one of my qualifiers and can understand. I also always organized and took responsibility for everything with my Mom and siblings. I think you should be true to yourself and that your mind and body and probably your HP are showing you that. If you want to do something nice for your Dad like making one meal for the weekend or buying a meal and bringing it with you, whatever feels right. I would start telling people what you are comfortable doing and let them bring stuff and plan events. If they ask about what's going on with the weekend maybe ask them to call people and delegate responsibilities. It's hard at first but maybe you could start small, that's what i did. The People in my family were surprised at first but they adjusted and it was worth changing. Only my ESH, love and support to you.
I hear you and so understand There is a reading in the Courage to Change that tells me I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings UNLESS I have helped create them. That sentence touched deep within me as I tried to extricate myself from obligations I took on and no longer wished to continue.
I decided it was best make amends to myself by doing the event one more time and then announce to everyone that this was the last year. was no longer going to be able to do this grand show and although I loved xxx I would show up and celebrate but could not planed prepare the party It worked---A group took it over and now everyone has more fun because they all participate in the planning and purchasing and fun of the days.
I hear you and so understand There is a reading in the Courage to Change that tells me I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings UNLESS I have helped create them. That sentence touched deep within me as I tried to extricate myself from obligations I took on and no longer wished to continue.
Wow, Betty, this really hits home for me....."UNLESS I have helped create them" re: feelings....so if I "help create a feeling " in another than I owe the amend
I remember, dunno know if this strays from the topic, but I remember the monster leaving ME home from school...School was my only escape from the hell, but I had to stay home to babysit the drunk....She hated me, so why leave me home???? I guess he wanted to make sure I had noone in my corner....So what I did was when she woke up from her night b4 drinking, she would see me home from school. there to "baby sit" and I remember the first time I had this "job" I watched her, followed her, I hated it and she hated it and me
the NEXT time he left me with babysitting duties, I encountered her as she descended from the stairs and I opened the front door to that awful house, WIDE OPEN.....I pointed to the outside and announced to her that "I am not gonna force you to stay sober....U want to get a bottle???? There is the door.....I am not doing this unwanted job anymore....he can leave me home, but I will do the same thing....I am NOT gonna make you do anything"
I pointed outside and then walked to my own room......I turned on the tv.....didn't care if she as there or had hit the door and started "hoofing" down the driveway....I had HAD IT......
Later , I come out to get some lunch and there she is....sober......AND almost nice to me.......I kinda ignored her (I was 15 when this began) and went about my business and she stayed sober....she did not leave....so the freak comes home, finds her sober and figures "yaaay, I will leave her home EVERY time I can't find someone else" Oh GR8, I thought....MORE missed school....I told the VP at the school what the scoop was and he was ex marine and hated the sire b/c he smelled abuse in our house big time
anyway, when this got out of hand, my VP went and paid the freak a visit...told him that if this went on more than VERY rarely, he would be facing HIM....AND the police.....
anyway, to get back to the Topic.....I realized even then if a person wants to do something or not do something bad enough they will find a way and I have nothing to say about it...... My mother never got drunk on my "watch" b/c I gave her a choice...I gave her a freedom to do as she pleased...I did her a lot better then she ever did me...I was locked in a cage so she could drink....I did not lock her in the house....I was better than that......
Back to Tasha's share.....If this were me and I didn't want to do it...really didn't want to go through the hassle and the "happy facade" I would just fire myself.......I guess we get scared when it comes to setting a boundary which is really for us....changing....saying "no"....not doing something anymore b/c we just don't want to anymore.....I think I wold "show up" to say happy b-day to him, IF I wanted to, but the rest of it.....You can't tell me you are the only one who is capable of throwing together a party......everyone *expects* you to do this now....If it were me and I was not wanting to do it anymore....maybe do a less work demanding thingy and then announce, "this is it...I don't want to be the go to person, re: setting up someones party...its time for someone else to step up...I want to be a guest for a change".......
I hope I didn't mess up your share, but Betty's comment really brought up a memory for me.....and I "threw it on here" in the hopes that it may have related to someone
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My brother expects me to come to his home every year for Thanksgiving, my daughter also comes, because I'm there.
I'm not fond of my brothers in laws and Thanksgiving has become a drudge for me. I did not marry into this family, my brother did. My only immediate family is my daughter and then my two brothers .He always tells me to bring a ham, which his wife does not appreciate and gives me dirty looks about it. So last year I didnt bring one.
I announced 6 months ago , I will not be there for Thanksgiving. My daughter and I are planning to go anywhere but not there.
Every once in awhile I remind him. I will not be there for Thanksgiving. I love my brother very much, but I will not put myself thru it.
Hotrod is right, you might tell them this is the last year I will do this and try to elect somebody else for next year while you have everyone there and then you will see that they will be ok with you not doing it.
Good Luck
Tasha - you've gotten better at reorganizing your immediate family around the new you - having changed quite a bit. I suspect being assertive is more in your personality now and it feels like you are letting folks tread on you by them not doing their part. I always took crap on then resented folks not helping. I still do that and am working on it. I want to be perfect and be noticed and do all this good stuff, and then I get mad when nobody helps and nobody even says thanks really...Also they don't do it for me when I need or want it so much.
I used to feel so guilty for not flying home for my parents and sisters and nephews to visit. I would beat myself up for missing their birthdays and such....then realized....UM...they have NEVER come seen me in 10 years living in Florida (my mother and father have but not sisters - especially not after their children were born). So whatever.
My suggestion is to try and delegate maybe? Calls like "We all want dad's birthday to be great. It would help if you would....(insert task that would be helpful so you don't have to go crazy doing it.)" The people pleasing perfectionist wants all the kudos (which never happens) and usually winds up taking the blame when things do not go as planned. You can break that pattern. Of course you know that but the pull in families is for people to maintain their rigidly defined roles (especially when it comes to dealing with an alchoholic family).
One way to perform healthy self-love is to practice not giving your power away which is something many people do without even knowing it. You might ask just what does giving your power away mean, and how do we do that? Think of it this way. You give your power away when you let others upsets you, when you get defensive, become submissive and act against your own health and well-being, when you act from guilt or become intimidated. You give your power away when you care too much about what others think and not enough about what you yourself think. Youre giving your power away when you do acts of needless and largely useless self-sacrifice, give-in to what others want you to do while postponing or negating your own real needs, and when you go along for acceptance or conformitys sake and act against your own best interests. Especially do you give your power away when you surrender whats healthy for you to do so that others are unnecessarily and more selfishly benefited. You significantly give your power away when you let others influence you to lose control and get angry, let others guilt-trip you, shame you, embarrass you, intimidate you and, of course, control you. In a more subtle way you give away your power whenever you have time to think things through and forget to think about how your acts concerning others are going to effect you, your health and your well-being, and effect those you care about. In fact you may give your power away when your actions, your thoughts and your feelings do not contain at least some healthy self-love.
Lets briefly look at the foundation concept for not giving your power away. Remember the 3000 year old admonition Love others as you love yourself. Let me suggest that the little word as means love others and yourself at the same time, in the same way and to the same degree. You perhaps were religiously taught to love others and put yourself last. Then perhaps you learned the secular, selfish message love yourself and let the rest fend for themselves in our survival of the fittest world. From my mental-health practitioners point of view Love others as you love yourself is a superior idea to both of those teachings. Thats because loving others as you also act to love yourself means there doesnt have to be any losers. If I love you and not myself I can be the loser. If I love me and not to you, you can be the loser. Its better that we both be winners. Consequently the teaching Love others as you love yourself provides a win win way. This is the extremely important background concept for learning healthy self-love and not giving your power away.
I retain my power when I dont let your words or actions trigger me into anger, defensiveness, surrender or automatically feeling bad about myself in any way. I retain my power when I choose my thoughts, feelings and actions pro-actively rather than reactively. I retain my power when I dont lose control and act in ways I am later sorry for, ashamed of and regretful about. I retain my power when I give myself permission to act the way I choose to act, to think and feel my own thoughts and emotions instead of in ways others would pressure me into acting, thinking or feeling. I retain my power when I let others have appropriate influence but not control me.
How do we do this? It takes a fair amount of work to learn how not to, rather automatically, give your power away. Thats because we all started life without any power and were dependent on the power of others who were called parents, family and care-takers. Thus, we all learned, to one degree or another, to give in and go along with those who had more power than we did. Maybe later you learned to rebel but that also can be a kind of slavery to do the opposite and, thus, not really do self-directed, self empowered living. As an adult you have more power than you may realize or be using. Mother Nature would have us be individually and independently powerful for healthy self care in our own lives. To actualize this power it helps to own our power and not give it away.
To start learning more about how not to give your power away you may want to began asking yourself these four questions in the many and various situations of your life:
1. Am I doing, or about to do something that includes sufficient, healthy self-love?
2. Am I acting by my own choice or am I reacting?
3. Am I paying attention to whats good for me in this situation as well as whats good for others?
4. Am I acting assertively (calmly putting forth my points) as opposed to aggressively (attack and harm) or submissively (give-in, surrender)?
Those who learn how not to give their power away to others or to old, destructive training tend to live more powerfully, enjoyably, effectively and peacefully. They also live more self-directed, healthful lives, and likely are able to do more good for others.
Not giving your power away usually takes a fair amount of revamping your way of thinking about how people work. The biggest thought that has to be eliminated is the one that begins with the super common words you made me . If I keep my power and dont give it away you dont get to make me feel, think or do anything. Im not meant to be anyones puppet. Im meant to be a self-directed individual whenever I choose to be so. You may influence me but you dont make me anything. I do that myself, possibly with your help. Whenever I think or say you make me (feel, think or act) or he, she, it or they made me (feel, think or act in various ways) I probably am giving my power away, at least a little bit. Once you really own this way of thinking you can begin to be so much more self dependent, and self-directed, and paradoxically you probably can be better to and for others. Then we can work together in co-equal cooperation, collaboration and other forms of democratic co-action.
Well, theres lots more to learn about not giving your power away but hopefully this is enough to get you started on the healthful, self loving actions of not giving your power away and, therefore, taking good and better care of yourself as you also act to be good to others.
As always Grow and Go in Love
Dr. J. Richard Cookerly
I'm still on board with owning my own feelings, and that it isn't possible for anyone to make me feel anything. When I look at these things like "practice" that helps me. I think about the situation or person as practice from my HP to calm my reactions, and learn about my feelings. Which are mine. No one made me feel anything, I made that choice to stay or walk away.
This time, I am going to chose to stay, do the deal - but go into it knowing that It's my choice to do so and I can't feel sorry for myself or complain about it. This will be a growth opportunity for me, and more practice and handling and acceptance.
I just want to add that before we expect others to pick up some of the weight, for it to happen effectively, we have to say forthrightly what needs to happen, and then also be braced to take care of ourselves if it doesn't. In other words, they will expect things to happen the same way as they always have, unless you say, "You know what, I can't handle making the arrangements for this weekend -- it's too much. I'm able to bring enough food for me, but someone else will have to arrange all the other food and make all the calls. Look forward to seeing you all!" And then when it falls apart, it's a challenge not to be angry. But when things change, of course it takes time for others to figure out and start stepping up. (And there also may be some blowback and manipulation and "Change back!")
But this sounds like a great positive move. Way to take care of yourself!
Hi Tasha, I think its part of our martyr trait that we who have lived with alcoholism seem to live with. I do this everyday too. I do the housework, I work, I can act like a slave, my resentment builds and then I snap and lose my temper with people who seem oblivious to my suffering. Its madness!! For me the answer is still not too clear but I think its about better communication. You know telling people how you feel and asking for help with tasks, but then boundaries would need to be set and I will admit this is the part im scared of because I find it difficult to follow through with consequences and then when I don't people walk over me and my self esteem plummets. In fact this is the pattern to my whole life too. Im not sure of the answers all I know is that when I love myself more, I think about if something is good for me or not. That may be actually following through with the very thing that upsets me, I ask 'how important is it?' other times I say no easily but its all linked in with my own self esteem and self confidence. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Tash,
It's old stuff for me 
This is how we help one another in Alanon... it surely is!