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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New - need some suggestions
Post Info TOPIC: New - need some suggestions
mm830


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New - need some suggestions
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Hi There:

 

I have been reading on this board for about a month and have been practicing detachment or trying to with my ASO getting mad because I am behaving so differently. Kind of in my own way, I am sure I haven't got the detachment with love but I have been pulling away to take care of my own well being because I was drowning.

 

Trying to wrap my head around things being all my fault, nothing to do with his irresponsible behavior, that I tried in all ways I knew to help him several weeks ago when he was down is so quickly forgotten and has me just numb in many ways. That, plus my own life is probably where many of you are as a result of this whole mess, just beat down, and I am very isolated and depressed.

 

I guess I am posting for some advice, or suggestions. Something I have read here is not to be afraid if they leave because you are detaching. Obviously, I have not said I am detaching, what's the point and he would argue anyway. I just don't engage that much and have been trying to focus my energy on starting to feel better as my energy level is so low and this has taken a physical toll on me.

 

He is so judgemental, seems to turn everything around on me and blame blame blame. I am starting to try and hand it over to HP as I know I cannot be responsible for all his anger towards me, I just have no control over it and that's something I am starting to work with understanding more and feeling better.

 

Best case he would see what is going on and make some effort to get some help with A issues, as he is in total denial, it's all me. Meanwhile, I detach and am starting to feel more energy and honestly more aware of the fallout of the last year of this, it's almost surreal.

 

When you say do not fear them leaving because you are changing, I guess that's where I am struggling. Obviously that's not what I want, but in stepping back it has made him angry at me. Well, what doesn't really, except when I just go along with everything and put up with his crap and clean up his mess and pay for everything.

 

Not sure where I am going with this and what else to say. Just maybe could use some advice or someone who has been in this position to give some feedback on how they got through.

 

Thanks for listening.



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hotrod


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Welcome mm

I am so glad that you reached out and shared  Please,please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend.  Breaking the isolation caused by living in the insanity of alcoholism is a  powerful tool for your recovery.  it is OK  to cry at meetings, talk ,not talk, listen and learn.  You will find that  you are not alone, that you are a valuable courageous person who deserves to be loved and cherished

We also have on line meetings here where you can also connect.   I  found that the literature at meetings was also a great help  to my recovery

Keep coming back--There is  hope .



-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 30th of August 2013 11:43:24 PM

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Betty

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Cathyinaz


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Welcome mm830

I too was very confused and upset detaching from my son. But I found when I set boundaries....like I will not discuss anything with you when your drunk or you can not drink in my house. Other boundaries are not doing for someone that they can do for themselves.

At first I would not talk to him but that isn't detaching...it's abandoning him in my eyes. I found I could talk and engage with him like I would any other person, but if he was drunk that is when I would walk away and my boundary would be kept. He finally realized this pattern......so he knew it was better to stay away from me if he was drinking. I was OK. When he was sober is when we could discuss things without anger. I never never mention his drinking, I never do things he can do unless it involves me personally.......which don't happen anymore. I don't need to argue....if he wants to engage and tell me its my fault.....I just let go let my HP handle it. I will NOT give him the satisfaction on blaming me. It's all on his shoulders. His problem.....not mine.

I would recommend Al-anon because going to these meetings and getting involved you will learn how to take care of you and give you the tools to have peace in your life....whether he drink or he doesn't.

Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone.



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sweeetr


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just keep on taking care of YOU ....
what he does is HIS business .....

this weekend my AH had plans to go on a hunting trip. I decided to take my grown kids to the lake for the holiday. He changed his plans and cancelled this awesome trip to go to lake,he actually went two days beforewe will even be there (picking up from his last trip alone probably) but he just keeps txting me tellingme how he's not being selfish and what he gave up trying to makeme happy...

I just remind him .. I dont mind if you go hunting ... and its not selfless if you ruin my wkend by complaining the whole time cuz youd rather be hunting with your buddies ....

My point ....?? No one can ever make an A happy ..... no person,no bottle, no pill ..... its just a miserable disease.
My plan .... go to lake Sat and enjoy my kids and ignore the bs he may or may not provide.

Keep taking care of you!!

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PP


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Most, if not all, of us can relate.  Your story is our story....it wasn't until I became an active member in al anon meetings, that I began to heal and gain back my strength.  For me, it wasn't enough to detach in my home while my husband was still using substances.  If he had not chosen recovery and really worked his program, I would not have been able to live with him. I cannot live with an active addict.  Some can, I can't.  There have been times when he has engaged in some of his stinkin' thinkin' and I am reminded of how crazy 20 some years of my life had been. Take care of you and leave him to sit in his stuff.  (((hugs)))



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Paula
mm830


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Thank you for your kindness and your good advice. Hard to believe at times the toll it takes on your spirit, but there is always this tiny shred of you left that knows you are not crazy, that its not all you. I am going to try hard to draw off that little bit of me left. I am scared to attend a meeting, scared to cry all these tears I stuff down. I wish it was okay to cry, I am always so dramatic (after all the name calling) and its always my fault. And somehow I cause the emotional abuse, deep down I know it can't be all me its just taken a toll. How did I let all this happen?

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canadianguy


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http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

 

Hi there... the above link is to a post I put up some time ago - written by Toby Rice Drews - and for my money, does a wonderful job of describing the dynamics around detachment, etc...

Hope that helps, and keep coming back


Tom



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likemyheart


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Even when I put up with my ex-A's crap, cleaned up his messes and paid for everything he was still able to find reasons to be mad at me, screaming mad for reasons he'd just pull out of his a**. Abusers use anger to control and their anger is not uncontrollable - read that and witnessed it, you know how they are steaming angry, their phone rings and they talk happily to the person on the other end before hanging up and resuming their anger? Mine started to complain that I was being so matter-of-fact and he has no idea how many times I drove away from him crying rather than let him see the tears - my tears meant he was winning and I refused to play along.

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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
afglin


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I love those books. I still have three of them. I think I loaned out the others. This is a great read! thanks for posting the link.

LIN

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Lin
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