Havent got a clue what to do :( - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Havent got a clue what to do :(

beryl80 · Member

Hi All

Not sure really where to start my husband has had a severe alcohol problem on and off for about 8 years. About 2 years ago he got help went to the point of being completely sober for about a year and then I started seeing the signs slowly creeping in one by one. ~The last two or three months have been the worst out of a 7 day week he is drunk for at least three days, and I dont mean tipsy he only drinks spirits and it must be at least a litre bottle each time.

Along with the denial comes the lies, yesterday I knew he came back from the shop with a bottle behind his back tucked into his jeans, when I confronted him he got angry and said i was picking on him, got very defensive and then when i pulled it out from his back he said he found it in the shed and was going to throw it away. The most upsetting thing is the blatant lying to my face and the lack of respect for me that he believes im stupid enough to fall for these lies.

I am at my wits end as I am now staring at him collapsed on the sofa, the sight of him in this alcoholic induced state makes me physically sick, the children know what he has done dont want t go near him. My problem is im a full time nurse and we dont have any other family so i rely on him completely for childcare around my shifts, so if I go mad and ask him to leave he knows I wont have any childcare and will have to give up work. I know in the morning if i tell him i know he is drinking he will turn it around to say Im paranoid etc etc and im the one who is out of order,yet what else do I do just ignore it and put my children through this living hell for another two years until the children wont need looking after? I just dont know how to get out of this no win situation Im so upsetI hate living like this and feel such a bad mother having my children live in this environment.

please help

thanks

beryl

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Welcome Beryl...

first things first- take a couple of deep breaths...

the second thing you have already done, and done well!

You have put your hand up and said 'help'.

We have all been there and found help, found people just like ourselves.

There are no strangers here...

...thanks. aww

DavidG

New Zealand.

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

This site should help you find alanon meetings wherever you are.

Keep coming back !
wp

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Beryl

First of all..Welcome, and I hope by now you have some face to face meetings lined up where you can find a good sponsor to help you do the 12 step work..I also suggest you post here on the boards, and read the literature, also the slogans, I try to put them into practice every day...Detachment from him and the disease is a must for you to focus on you and your program...It is essential that you understand that you didn't cause his disease, you cannot ever control it, and you will never cure it...If he does not get help, his drinking will get worse and his health will decline, but you have to control over it so working your program will help you detach from this sickness and work on you..

I do hope you work this program because for the sake of the children, one of you has to be in "one piece" mentally to care for those children...it sure makes me uncomfortable to think of an active alkie watching over some innocent children..

I sure hope you keep coming back......

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Beryl)))) Aloha and welcome to the board...We know from our own experiences where you are right now. You have come to the right place we have learned about alcoholism and how it is cunning, powerful and baffling. We know also that it is a disease a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body that if not arrested by total abstinence the alcoholic and and often does goes crazy and dies. We also know that many victims of alcoholism who do not drink at all also suffer the same outcomes. The definition of alcoholism is in your Medical Journal and you can look it up and then it won't tell you the spouse of the alcoholic what to do about it or what your kids can do about it. That is what the Al-Anon Family Groups and if your kids are age qualified 12 - 20 Alateen. You been given the internet address for the Al-Anon site. Go there and browse.

You have found MIP and I hope you consider yourself family and come here often. The drunk on the sofa who has family responsibilities is an old story and problem. Suggestions on how and where to arrive at solutions will come up now. For me I will also suggest the face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area as soon as you can get there. There are real people in your area you will benefit from knowing and who's stories will help you alot.

Keep some things in mind also, You didn't cause this disease, you cannot control it and you will not cure it. Those are our 3 Cees that help us relax. You will not fix him and you can allow him the dignity of his own choices...that is to drink, get drunk and fall apart. Alcoholic drinking doesn't feel good...as a nurse you already know that. Allow him his pain...all of it. If he asks you to fetch him a drink...get him some water only.

Keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome! Others have already said wise things. I just wanted to add one practical matter about the childcare problem. Him being passed out on the couch isn't really reliable childcare anyway, as I'm sure you feel as well. If you had a childminder who drank and passed out, would you keep employing them? That said, as you say, you can't suddenly take your A (alcoholic) out of the picture and not have a childcare problem. Yet if he were hit by a train and laid up in the hospital with two broken legs, or disappeared off to Brazil, eventually you'd find a solution. I was in the same situation, with a young child and an unreliable alcoholic. In my case he actually put our child's life in danger through his negligence, which made me wake up as to the horror of the situation. It took quite some time to get this set up, but I arranged a system of childcare exchanges with other parents, along with daycare, pre-school and half a dozen other solutions. I kept it cobbled all together until eventually I got it to be all (free) exchanges, and then I was home free. When we are put to it, we manage to find solutions, though I would never say it's easy. But someone has to watch out for our little ones -- and for ourselves.

Take good care of yourself!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and Welcome!

Oooh...the lying used to make me absolutely NUTS. My exA would swear up and down that he hadn't been drinking...and that I was crazy for thinking so (adding insult to injury)...then I would find a bottle, confront him with it...then he'd come up with another story.."that bottle was an old one..." etc.

What a crazy merry go around..me accusing and catching him...and him lying, denying, and drinking...

It sure is a crazy mess. You can step out of that madness...with some tools from alanon...

Nothing you do is going to change his behavior...and as long as his disease is active...well lying is just part of what he does to make the drinking "okay" in his mind...

Keep coming back...and if you haven't read "courage to change" it's pretty helpful...as is melodie beatties codependent no more...I think there is actually a whole pamphlet on the "merry go round" too

Sending strength and hope,

RP

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the most hurtful and disrespectful things my A has done to me is lie right to my face, with direct eye contact, telling me I was crazy. I lost so much respect for my A spouse. We know when the A is drinking. Also, after so many lies, years of it in fact, even if she was ever telling the truth, there is no reason to believe her. She did destroy the trust I had for her. What I have learned in alanon, and of course there is no quick fix, is that I have to take care of myself and get some sanity back before making any huge decisions. This takes a long time but I hope this can be your starting place. You cannot fix him. It is possible to fix yourself and down the road you will know what decisions to make. Just make a committment to get as much alanon in your life as possible. You can change and gain your own respect back for YOU, Lyne

sweeetr · Senior Member

Beryl-80
Oh my .... you brought back memories.. I once found a bottle (by accident) and asked about it ... and he honestly said ..... It was an old one I found in barn so I put (hid) it in hunting bag and put in truck to throw away ... he past by 3 trash cans and a burn barrell to put it in his truck. I said, Letme repeat this back... and he said yes thats right.. I said Did it sound as stupid coming out of my mouth as it did out of yours???
The other fight I triggered was (since NO bottles found we're ever his.)... that which ever friend keeps hiding bottles at our house you should kick their a$$ for costing you your marriage.

These was early in MY recovery, and yes it triggered a HUGE fight. Now if I find an empty bottle I put it closest to where it was in plain sight with a sticky note, saying please throw in trash... nothing is ever said from either of us.. It just dissapears.

The 1st two things I said on this post would trigger fights, they happened back when I thought I could make him stop or fix his problem.... I know now ...its not my place, and I cant do it.

Now that Im doing better working MY program .. instead of fighting with me AH .. I'd rather save that energy for ME !!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My AS has called me drunk or high and swore he wasn't even when I hadn't asked. Didn't argue with him. We both knew the truth. Just won't connect with him for awhile because I know his life is going to go into high drama if it isn't already and I want to stay out of way of the flying dirt.
Besides, my own life has enough challenges for me to meet. I've learned to trust what I see or experience - never what he says unless action supports it. In doing that, I notice that this works well in my life, too, at grocery stores, banks and other places. Words mean nothing to me anymore. I won't even answer surveys about CSRs service with phone or cable companies until what they promise will happen, happens. CSRs don't like my choice. I do. Saves me a lot of energy playing into unhealthy systems and they're every where as my Al-Anon work has shown me.

beryl80 · Member

Hi All

Thanks so much for your kind words of support it feels so isolated when he is drunk in the house like this and I am stuck here with the children wondering to challenge him when he wakes up why he is drunk again( which will result in an arguement where I am PARANOID and will upset the children) or ignore it which sends out the message to him that I accept this behaviour. How the hell can I win either way and why do I feel so bloody awful when its him in the wrong.

Cant go to a face to face al anon meeting as the nearest one to me is few miles away and I dont drive and would mean trying to find a sitter. The online ones are going to be hard to get onto aswell as they are 9pm USA time which is 2am our time.

thanks for your advice, I am in an impossible situation when it comes to childcare and I think he knows this and thinks this is why I HAVE to tolerate his behaviour. I work full time as a nurse in the ED, 12.5 hour shifts, three children aged 10 to 12, no family living at all locally to help with childcare, cant ask friends as they either have their own families or work same shifts as me, I have to leave the house at 630am and dont return until at least 8pm so would only be earlier if had to drop them somewhere and collect them, not that I have anyone to have them from 6am in the morning until 8pm. I can barely afford the rent and bills let alone childcare on top. So what options I have are stay at work and worry every day if its going to be a day on or off the drink, or quit work and try and survive on state benefits when I worked so hard to put myself through university later in life to be a good role model to my girls to work hard and not rely on benefits.

I feel like im going round in circles I hate the person he is when he is drinking, the complete opposite to when he isnt, I found bottles of vodka 2 days ago hidden under clothes in his wardrobe and Im the paranoid one he found them in his old stuff and hid them there coz he was scared id see them in the bin, do they actually expect us to believe this rubbish or maybe they simply dont care.

I dont really know how I can be out of this rut, if I leave him I have no childcare therefore no job or roof over my head and if I stay its at least another 2 years until the children are old enough to look after themselves and I can walk away from this. Absolute no win either way and I feel like the villain for allowing my children to live around him, are they going to hate me when they are older and ask why I didnt leave? Probably :(

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

On-line meetings are twice a day. One in the morning which would be 2 in the pm for you. Taking care of yourself and the kids financially is good thinking. Quitting work is definitely something I wouldn't consider in relationship to an alcoholic spouse. Is there before and after care in the children's schools or an area swap days child care co-operative that you could utilize?

As far as projecting fears into the future about how your kids are going to feel about you - well, that you can do something about. The future just isn't in our control and therefore not even worth considering although that is one of the ways alcoholism affects us. Keeps us locked into looking at the past, peering into the future and missing what we have to enjoy today.

All of what you describe in your AH is exactly how the disease affects us. I don't know if anyone has mentioned Toby Rice Drews' books "Getting Them Sober" to you. They are a big help.

Also, I'm not sure if your struggle with rent, etc is due to him in some way? If so, I would find ways to separate myself from him financially. The only thing on an active "A"s mind is their next fix or drink. They look to us to pay the bills if we allow that while they drain our account that oftentimes only we are putting money into to pay the bills. I learned that trying to reason or argue with my A husband was futile. I was trying to reason with a kid in an adult suit. I just did what I could do to take care of me and my kids after awhile. AH acted like a partying teen (he started drinking in high school, so his emotional maturity stopped then and I didn't know it) and I was acting like an out of control parent begging A to grow up. He couldn't grow up. He was what he was. An untreated A. The only person who could change in our circumstances was me. Wasn't easy. Everything felt as overwhelming and un-doable as you are experiencing right now. And - I did what I could with what I had to work with. Things got better because I got better.

Al-Anon Recovery Groups sometimes offer childcare. At your children's ages, they'd qualify for Al-A-Teen. You could take them to their meeting while you go to yours. Leave A at home to drink if that's what he wants to do. He'll do it anyway - whether he hides it or puts it out in front of you.

beryl80 · Member

Thanks for the info, 2pm I could try and log into depending on my shifts, the girls school has no before or after school clubs and I feel sort of why should I give up my job because his drinking is jeapordising childcare options.

I will have a look online for the books you suggested, thanks.

I know in a couple of years time I wont be so dependant on him for childcare as they will be at an age they can look after themselves around my hours, but in the meantime another 2 years of this living hell is unthinkable and all the arguements around the children everytime i accuse him when hes drunk and he blatently denies it! But then if I dont approach it it looks like im allowing it or so stupid i dont know its going on and its acceptable for him to carry on.

My struggle for rent etc is not down to him financially, Im the main earner its just where we live is expensive and for him to go to work would cost us more in childcare than he would earn at the moment.

It just feels like groundhog day a vicious never ending circle where I cant win no matter what I do :(

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.