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What did you end up doing? you aren't still waiting are you? I WISH I had right from the beginning had a plan for when my ex was late; funny he was never late for anyone else but me. Did you state you would not hang around if she was late?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I am fuming!! and in shock... i'm moving 300 miles away within the next wk or so and all i wanted to do was say goodbye to my AM as i thought that i may never see her again (if i don't allow her to come and stay with me) and that it's best to 'detach with love'. So yesterday i texted her to see if she was free to meet up and she just replied with 'can't do today' so i went to my aunty & uncles to see them & to say goodbye. Then i get a text today from my AM saying 'i can meet you later today if you want' then another textd a couple of hrs later 'did you get my text' so i replied with 'yeh, what time and where' she textd 'any, you tell me' so i textd '3 in ashton at mind on katherine street' so she textd 'ok'. She's always late but i still got there for 3, i got a textd from her as i was arrived outside saying 'where is it near on katherine street?' so i textd 'opposite the car garage, u can park round the back of mind'. She knows Ashton fine, she knows where Mind is because I did some volunteer work there (last year)......
Next minute i get ANOTHER text and i'm thinking ffs, it read 'shall i park near baths. I don't know where car garage is' so as i'm starting to textd her back i hear a beep, it's her in her car, she pulls up onto the pavement and winds her window down and says 'what you doing, what time are you in there?' so i was like 'what? i've come to meet YOU!', so she says 'oh right, are you getting in the car?' so i said 'no, i'll go in, you can park round the back' and explained again where she could park. I go into Mind and sit waiting for her, then at half 3 i get a text message saying.................................'how long you going to be?' ............i said 'you what?' she said 'i don't know what's going on, you said meet you at 3?'..... at this point i was angry and in shock!!!!!!
usually i'd go & find her or laugh it off, but i really can't take this crap anymore.....
So today i thought sod this, so i textd her saying 'just leave it . I'm going home. Thank you though (once again) for letting me down, wasting 2 hrs of my time, £1.50 on the train of my money. All i wanted to do was say goodbye and you can't even manage that can you.' Her reply was 'I don't know Ashton & i get mixed up with the streets', i textd 'we both know what it is but i'm letting go of that, because i'm gonna focus on myself from now on. God bless you.' She textd 'when are you going' so i just textd 'goodbye mum'.
Then came the victim and drama, she textd me saying 'are you quite happy for me sat in the middle of ashton breaking my heart' then another textd (from her other phone) 'i can't believe you could do this to your own mother. I am heart broken and can't drive in this state'.
I've not replied to her since then & that was at 4. I'm now having more mixed emotions (turmoil inside) my whole brain is taken up with her again, my emotions flared up in the air again, i don't know whether to be angry or cry.... whether to stay now or go.... sick of being pulled into her mess all the time, then being blamed as if it's me.
In my experience I have learned that the decision I make today, has to be one I can live with tomorrow....meaning if you do not see her again before you move away, be sure you can live with that if something were to happen to her. NO I am not suggesting you feel bad just be sure and good for you having the boundary to not have her live with you...you are doing what is best for you! Hence the reason we start to doubt ourselves...its a new thing for us to choose to take care of us over someone else....But it takes courage and strength and so glad to see you have that!!
Your Mom sounds very disoriented. As ill as you've described her to be, can't help but wonder if she's dehydrated and that is affecting her mental acuity? I guess if it were my Mom and she seemed as disoriented as your Mom does right now and I wanted to see her, I'd make it simple and suggest meeting her at her home at a certain time that she suggests? I go through the same thing with my Dad who has Alzheimer's Disease and diabetes. He won't drink water which only creates more disorientation and confusion for him. I figure I'm the one who isn't disoriented and although things get frustrating for me at times, it helps me to let go of expecting anything from him, setting a time to meet where he lives and making a plan B if he's forgotten I'm coming and is gone or I can't find him in his Assisted Living facility. Don't know if this will work for you, but it sure helps me keep my own blood pressure lower and my expectations of him even lower. Whether or not he can help himself just drives me nutz if I try to make a judgment about it. Knowing I want to see my Dad, hug him and kiss him, and see if there's anything he needs to make him more comfortable helps me keep my side of the street cleaner - although not super-duper clean. I can still feel angry, hurt and/or frustrated at times. Applying Al-Anon and carrying one of my readers with me helps, too.
In my experience I have learned that the decision I make today, has to be one I can live with tomorrow....meaning if you do not see her again before you move away, be sure you can live with that if something were to happen to her. NO I am not suggesting you feel bad just be sure and good for you having the boundary to not have her live with you...you are doing what is best for you! Hence the reason we start to doubt ourselves...its a new thing for us to choose to take care of us over someone else....But it takes courage and strength and so glad to see you have that!!
~HUGS TO YOU!
I like what Cindy says....are u sure you want to leave it at this??? I also, know, if this was me , and this was repeated snafu's with her, yea, I would let it go...Let God....
You are dealing w/an alkie...not a healthy person....I would give it over with love and peace AND , if you decide to see her again, perhaps a simpler meet place????? OR just go, you didn't be mean to her , you blessed her, there isn't much you could have done TODAY....Don't know how long u will be in town, but if, tomorrow you feel the same/?? then U R ready to let it go...So sad..But sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do to take care of ourselves....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha (((((Qwerty)))) I remembered by reading your post that I cannot get pissed at the alcoholic as if she was normal cause she ain't. I read your post and remember my daughter doing the same thing say the same thing as her addict mother pulled the same thing by making her using her priority and not the promise she made to her child. She isn't normal and being pissed means it has made "me" sick. In thinking about my health first I don't allow it to make me sick. My HP can't use me when I'm sick and neither can I. Your Mom gets to have the negative consequences also and to see them as only she can see them...thru the disease. Sad. I value what Mimi3 has said when it comes to thinking of my own health and journey. I will remember it beyond today for my health. Bless your mom and feel empathy for the woman who carries this disease. Don't do shame and don't do guilt...you have suffered enough. ((((hugs))))
I know the A's can be so maddening, we forget they are diseased and expect them to show up and participate, just a little thing and they can't even do that. All she did was push your frustration button as only they can. We have to adjust our expectations don't we.
They sure make us practice don't they. Carry on with your day. No time for the guilt or pain.
Thank you so much for your responses. They all helped me so much. I handled things in a different way. Instead of getting mad and reacting (especially after her last texd saying 'I have calmed down now after 3 hours of crying. Obviously your going to do what you want to do but after all these years i realize you are your dads family and not your mums. Our family don't fall out, your dads family do. I hope you find in life what your looking for. Good luck. Love you. Night god bless. Mum.'
I felt angry at this point and wanted to react in various ways but i thought i'd come on here and see if there had been any responses and there was! so i took my time and thought about everything i'd read and responded in a different way than usual.... 'I'm sorry you're so upset. But we did arrange to meet at 'Mind' at 3 and at half 3 you textd me asking how long 'i' was going to be? which shocked me as you seemed really confused, and i'm bound to be upset and angry when I've felt let down by you many times before. Remember when i was 15 minutes late and you drove off leaving me stranded with no money and i had to walk for half an hr to the pub to come and find you, well i was sick of waiting too as i'd been there since 5 to 3 and sat on my own in mind waiting for you only to be asked where i was. i haven't fallen out with you, i'm just really busy at the moment and stil thought i'd make the effort to get the train into ashton because i wanted to see you, but i had to get back for something.'
Her response 'Okay, but when are you going i'm still broken hearted' which was good in some ways as i would usually get a hurl of abuse.... so i told her, and then i said that we can always meet up again......she said she hopes so.
I do feel bad leaving her, am i a bad person when she only has 1 child (me) & no partner? she has lodgers, neighbours and friends that usually get her alcohol & do stuff for her.. and how can i not allow her to come & stay, i feel mean.. But i don't think i could have her in my flat for weeks on end drunk every night..although she'd be sober in the day time? so this time would be nice together..... i'm so confused and upset about this whole situation....i know there 'could' be a better life waiting for me in cornwall (better lifestyle etc) but it's painful to leave my roots and people i love...
-- Edited by qwerty49 on Thursday 29th of August 2013 02:32:05 AM
-- Edited by qwerty49 on Thursday 29th of August 2013 02:32:43 AM
-- Edited by qwerty49 on Thursday 29th of August 2013 05:21:12 AM
Your Mom sounds very disoriented. As ill as you've described her to be, can't help but wonder if she's dehydrated and that is affecting her mental acuity? I guess if it were my Mom and she seemed as disoriented as your Mom does right now and I wanted to see her, I'd make it simple and suggest meeting her at her home at a certain time that she suggests? I go through the same thing with my Dad who has Alzheimer's Disease and diabetes. He won't drink water which only creates more disorientation and confusion for him. I figure I'm the one who isn't disoriented and although things get frustrating for me at times, it helps me to let go of expecting anything from him, setting a time to meet where he lives and making a plan B if he's forgotten I'm coming and is gone or I can't find him in his Assisted Living facility. Don't know if this will work for you, but it sure helps me keep my own blood pressure lower and my expectations of him even lower. Whether or not he can help himself just drives me nutz if I try to make a judgment about it. Knowing I want to see my Dad, hug him and kiss him, and see if there's anything he needs to make him more comfortable helps me keep my side of the street cleaner - although not super-duper clean. I can still feel angry, hurt and/or frustrated at times. Applying Al-Anon and carrying one of my readers with me helps, too.
Hi Grateful,
I'm sorry to hear about your dad, it sounds like you really love him & go out of your way for him, he's lucky to have you. That really is one thing i need to learn, to let go of expectations of her, it's a hard one coz i naturally want to trust, believe and depend on her always forgetting that i can't. So it's more pain for me and her.. in a sick way, when she sat crying yesterday at first i wanted to cry but then i enjoyed it (only because for once she was feeling the pain of abandonment and not me, and i was thinking that it may do her good to get in touch with her feelings) is that sick?
I have to keep reminding myself that she's sick and has this disease that she was born with....also.... i have to now stop and do some self care :)
NO you are not a bad person! YOU are taking care of you which is such a grand thing!
Your mom, much like mine is a MARTYR, she has to keep letting you know just HOW HURT SHE IS...
I learned to reply with sentences like "I'm sorry you feel that way mom" and be able to leave it at that...whatever she does with it is up to her..you are keeping your side of the street clean:) good luck packing and preparing! Prayers for you and safe travels
Hi, q. My Dad, unlike your Mom, was a very good Dad to me. He wasn't an A. He is an untreated codependent, however, so there have been times of frustration and needing to untangle myself from his controlling fear for me in my younger years. It's easy to want to be there with him for me because there are so many times I remember my Dad being there for me when I was struggling through my growing up years. When my Mom died, he and I spent a lot of phone time with each other since we were both single then. My frustration and anger comes now more from not having the Dad I once had and trying to learn how to operate now in relationship to him and his declining health.
Yours comes more from dealing with what has been from what you describe early years of your Mom's drinking and the consequences of that drinking for her and unfortunately for you. I do hope that you will have the good fortune of meeting an older woman who will help to mentor you in your new life and parent you in ways you've wanted your Mom to do that for you. I know we can learn to re-parent ourselves, but in my experience, I needed another person to help me learn how to do that who wasn't my Mom or my Dad. My Mom was ACOA and fiercely independent. My Dad was also an ACOA but was raised more by his Mom with little support from his AD. I think the Al-Anon and ACOA rooms might very well bring you a good mentor that will help you grow if that is in HP's plan for you. (((q)))
