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I am new to this forum, but not to Al-Anon. Well, I still feel like a babe in the woods, as I've only been in the program since January and am still in the middle of Step 1!
I have a sponsor, who I've met with twice. I've called one of the members between meetings. I am pretty fearful of commitments and making "mistakes."
My latest assignment by my sponsor has been to consider surrender and acceptance. In my mind, I find these concepts so dangerous! Like if I do them wrong I will be condemned to an existence that requires me to be a puppet to my AH with no will of my own and to have choices chosen for me that I am unhappy with. I would rather opt out and leave our marriage than surrender and accept! It took all I had to quit drinking last year, and when the fog lifted I realized how dysfunctional our relationship is. I don't want to give up my power by choosing powerlessness. I don't want to accept living with an active alcoholic with all of the behaviors who has no intention of quitting or recovery.
My husband keeps telling me to lighten up, enjoy life, have fun (dammit!), and stop talking about resolving issues even though we almost divorced in March and have quit the couples therapy because he felt picked on.
I want him to change to make our relationship feel good again. To take my feelings and needs into consideration. I'm upset that he quit his job and there's no job ahead but apparently he "doesn't care about money" and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm upset because he keeps criticizing me for not being "fun" enough. I'm upset because he keeps drinking to excess and acting poorly, even though he says he'd like to moderate and understands that drinking is no longer my lifestyle nor do I want to spend time with him when he drinks. I'm upset because he goes through cycles of being kind and considerate then demanding and irrational. My sponsor is trying to help me understand that this approach of trying to change him, wishing he would change, or changing myself in hopes that it will make him change - won't get me anywhere. The courage to change relates to what I CAN control, which apparently is not my husband.
How does surrender and acceptance work in this scenario?
The Courage to Change page 97 has an excellent example of acceptance and the value of using it in our everyday life. To me, In essence "acceptance" means that I stop fighting reality That I stop trying to do the impossible That I ACCEPT the painful fact that alcoholism is a disease over which I am powerless. When I "Surrender " and stop the futile fight I set myself free. The reason I do this is so I can learn to love myself, take care of myself and live life to the fullest.
Once I surrender and accept the reality of this disease and know that I I cannot manipulate to get my own way, I can then take constructive actions that will improve my life regardless of the outcome to the marriage
In learning about Surrender and acceptance I learned also about humility I was not surrendering to my hubby's will I surrendered to My HP and the truth of this disease I cannot He can Let him sums it up for me.
Keep attending meetings and sharing This is a process and takes time.
Aloha Irukan and welcome to the board...Part of the reason you are powerless is because you are new to this whole "recovery" thingy and the stuff you've been using in the past doesn't work in fact it worked to make things worse. Part of the description of alcoholism is that it is Cunning, Powerful and Baffling...and I'm not and so another example of my powerlesness. What worked for me was when I accepted that I was I quit fighting this disease and went quiet..which was scary and doing nothing worked. I was out of the fight for a while. Our literature has lots of pages on surrender and acceptance. I hope you have the literature...pamplets, daily readers and others. One of the best supports for me on the subject of surrender and acceptance as written by Dr. Harry Tiebout who was a great help to both programs. He explains it as the difference between submission and surrender as implied in Step One...You can find in on page 135 of the ODAAT May 14th. I am prevented by Al-Anon copywrite agreement to repeat it here. Let me know if you have the daily reader and have read the page. ((((Hugs)))) In support.
I can so relate to your feelings of helplessness and frustration. Of not wanting to let "him" control you. It's not him, it's the alcohol in him. But while he is under that power, nothing you say or do will get through. SO, take care of you. Try to let go of what he needs to do to help your relationship and take care of you. Work on finding yourself and what you like. It will cause change in him. Whether he wants to or not. And that change may be good, or it may be bad. But it will cause change. How you react to that change will be up to you. A book that helps me a lot is called "getting them sober". I didn't like the title, but there is a lot of good support in the book about understanding alcoholism and taking care of you. By doing that, and realizing that you can't Cure him, you didn't Cause him to drink and you can't Change him (the 3 C's), will also be a slogan that will help you through this time.
My AH had 14 years of sobriety, then has been on the relapse road for almost 2 years now. This disease gets worse. It will kill him. It doesn't get better. He is the only one who can do that. Not me, not you. There is nothing you can say or do to change that. It is only up to him. That is the hard one to accept. My actions have been crazy, trying to get a response from him. Now, I have to take care of myself. I don't want to stay sucked in this craziness. SO, I come online, and I go to f2f meetings. I have set up some boundaries that he doesn't like. He is pissed off at me. We tried counseling and the same answer was that he felt "picked upon". Give me a break. It's not all about him. Good luck and keep coming back. The surrender and acceptance will slowly come. That is the best way to remember, if you keep coming back, you will get it. (((Hugs))))
Thank you hotrod. I have never read that page before and it reminds me that I'm in recovery and that I have learned to act in ways to counteract the symptoms of alcohol long enough to have my own symptoms!
ryanhearted, thank you for relating your story to mine. Frustrating, huh? I am surprised by the relapse after 14 years, but that addictive voice can be crafty! I will look for the book you recommended.
I love the picture, too. Kudos to you for quitting your drinking and staying in recovery. Keep coming back...there is much wisdom and support contained within this forum.
I have been afraid of, and still working on, but making progress on, accepting that I can still be hurt again, and still be vulnerable to pain from my A spouse. I think my surrender is that I must stop trying to control the A. I have realized that I became very sick, lost myself, my focus was on my spouse's drinking, lying, gambling, etc., etc. etc. Now with help the focus is getting myself healthy and strong. Then I feel empowered and can handle whatever happens. So you can look at surrender and acceptance as negative and weak, or in the reality of it, I CAN DO THIS! Best, Lyne
Thank you for the welcome and your ideas on surrender and acceptance.
I was twisting myself in knots (literally, and am going to a doctor tomorrow to make sure it's not dangerous) - trying to figure out how I would fix everything that I don't like about my husband's behaviors, attitudes and (lack of) dreams. Wondering what's wrong with me for staying with him all the while hoping he will change, like he says he will and also in ways I want him to even if it's not in his plan.
After accepting that I can't change him, I kept thinking that now I have to change everything I don't like all by myself and that was scary! Surrender meant giving up, but I'm getting a glimmer that surrender just means shifting gears and looking at it all from a different perspective.
Surrender and acceptance I've learned operate in these ways: 1. Let go of what I want 2. Let be what is 3. Let God (listen to my HP) 4. Let Growth(do what my HP guides me to do)
There are times I still catch myself wanting others or myself to be different than we are. When I let go of wanting anything/anyone to be different than it is/we are, I experience new insights, new ways of doing things or the clarity I need to act efficiently and with confidence rather than to react in fear or self-will.
I've learned that picking at myself to change is as bad as picking on somebody else to change. Change for me always comes after I let go and let God and not a moment before. Until then, I'm just rehearsing what I already know won't work or making myself sick trying to make myself be or do something I can't do on my own.
And I still practice letting go and letting God. I'm a stubborn one. This is a lesson I must repeat over and over again.
Glad you've joined us on the road of learning, practicing, growing.
What worked for me was when I accepted that I was I quit fighting this disease and went quiet..which was scary and doing nothing worked. I was out of the fight for a while. Our literature has lots of pages on surrender and acceptance. I hope you have the literature...pamplets, daily readers and others. One of the best supports for me on the subject of surrender and acceptance as written by Dr. Harry Tiebout who was a great help to both programs. He explains it as the difference between submission and surrender as implied in Step One...You can find in on page 135 of the ODAAT May 14th. I am prevented by Al-Anon copywrite agreement to repeat it here. Let me know if you have the daily reader and have read the page. ((((Hugs)))) In support.
I can't add much to this, accept to empathize that surrender and acceptance scared me, too...As a product of gross child neglect and abuse, submission was the order for the day and you "accepted" by not crying, not talking, not feelings
THAT is NOT what alanon teaches........Steps 1 2 3
step 1....I am powerless over (name your misery) and it is making my life unmanageable (meaning that I keep fighting it and bashing my head against the wall and all I am getting is a headache) so I need to GIVE UP........LET GO......take MY hands off soooo
step 2....came to believe in a power greater than my self....(could be God, Jesus, Buddha, Hashem, OR the PROGRAM could be your higher power........your choice and as YOU understand it)
step 3...here comes the surrender and acceptance full circled....we give up in step 1, but to what???? well??? we gotta have something we believe in to shove this all onto (step 2)
now , step 3, becuz we have our Higher Power figured out or picked, we can "YES" we accept we are powerless, NOW, we can dump all this stuff over which we have ZERO control or power, onto this higher power and by letting it go...turning it over....we are taking our fretting hands off and letting the problem either solve itself....dissolve.....OR help will come in another way.....OR at the very least we are not carrying this "load" on our backs anymore.....
By practicing letting go, I find myself w/more peace and, funny...More power.....becuz when I give it over...my mind is clearer and my answers come....
It was hard for me to work this first 3 steps....the rest of em?? no worries, but these first 3...omg...I still on occasion wrestle with them, but the end result????
I cry, feel the feelings, stomp my feet, have my emotional release, then I just say "ok...I am gonna throw all these cards UP in the air.. OFF me an I don't care WHERE they land...They are NOT mine....Let someone or something ELSE take care of this"
when we quit struggling w/the karma, we cancel the negative energy on us and things get lighter...brighter.....we can THINK.....
powerlessness is not helplessness.....as a child I was helpless....NOW as an adult...I can "toss the bad stuff off me" and I can walk away in my head or physically, and take care of me...love me...focus on me....etc....
to come to the point where we turn it over, we gotta first accept that we cannot do anything about the person , place, or thing that is vexing us....we are only in control of ourselves....what is in our own skin....other people , we cannot control....so we learn to detach from their problems and accept that this is not mine...I don't own this....
I hope this shed some light for you.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Wow, neshema2, that was beautiful. Really got to the heart of this, and described so well.
I too have those ingrained views of surrender and acceptance that were external only - lots of repression, anger, anxiety, resentment. My way of dealing with bullies was to hide it all inside and "keep the peace" through being a chameleon.
I had an a-ha, then a head scratcher. The a-ha is, if I'm powerless over my husband, he's powerless over me, too. I've always assumed he has most of the power, and if I surrender mine it automatically adds to his and then his head swells as mine shrinks. It doesn't have to work that way.
But the head scratcher is, as we are so used to control games - his pushing and my pushing back - where is the give and take in the kind of relationship where we assume the other person will not change, accommodate, or compromise, even when expressing our needs? That admitting powerlessness means I will, for example, stop raising the retirement issue with my AH because he doesn't believe in it, and find a way to save on my own for my retirement?
. That admitting powerlessness means I will, for example, stop raising the retirement issue with my AH because he doesn't believe in it, and find a way to save on my own for my retirement?
Irukan
Insanity is described as doing the same thing and expecting different results. I copied the above statement from your recent post and say" yes" That is an excellent idea. Knowing that we powerless over another enabled me to see my part (wanting my partner to look and plan for the future) and then decide what I needed to do for me. We can then go about acting in our own best interest and being responsible for our own happiness and well being.
