The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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so after 1 week silence, where I managed to stay head over water, and stay calm, with my friends around that came luckily to visit from abroad.... I stayed away from exABF, and he also stayed silent, which made us probably feel safe after the events last Tuesday, were he hit me out of a anxiety attack.
So today he wrote me, asking me to come back , to stay and to understand.... you know, the 100th time of reconciliation, we have been there before, after a big fight,, where all sounds so nice and where I actually want to believe what he says. But today I'm on my guards....you see, usually I would have written a long email back, trying to justify, and explain myself. So now, i don't feel like doing that, because simply my trust is gone. so many times I have honestly explained my feelings and fears, opened up to him completely, only to be called a f*** b*** again weeks after, using exactly those weaknesses of mine against me.
i want to believe his words, I want him to be that person that he claims to be, but I also know that there will be another day where he chooses not to be so kind, so understanding , so sweet...where his fears and self-pity take over, and where he gives me the role of all that's bad in his life again. He is just not stable....it can switch in the rhythm of weeks, days, even minutes....like last week. I am scared to make any move right now, because experience around him has shown that many times, no matter what I do or say, it is most of the time the wrong move in his opinion....I just want to preserve my peace. self-achieved this time.
so i write here rather than write him back.....but it's not a very consistent move.....it's very unlike me, to leave him without reply, leave him in the dark.
But I'm also tired to explain my state of mind to him right now....it all seems like useless investment right now. But this feels a little hard hearted and selfish, so i feel guilty a bit, yes I'm co-dependent. even if it was him who hit me out of the blue, because he felt too much pressure from society. it happens that I manage to have more compassion for him and his acts than for my own actions and reaction. Funny isn't it!?
I hope I'm nor turning into a complete cold-blooded person.
i just can't be me around him....not now! and this thorns me apart a bit at the moment.
thanks for listening. and your unconditional support, it's quite impressive...
You are not being cold .. the best thing I have done for the kids and myself is to cut contact. At this point his disease is screaming and in the silence it's deafening. The reality is this is his war to wage and I have to do what is best for the kids and myself. Even if the kids weren't involved I have to think of me .. do you think that any active A spends 1/2 as much time as we do thinking about them? Probably not .. the disease is more concerned about grabbing the next fix and it doesn't care who it hurts to get it. Now do other people who have not lived what I have been through think I'm cold? Probably .. guess what .. what other people think of me is none of my business. The God of my understanding knows my heart and knows exactly who I am, ... even if at times I don't.
I spent so much time convincing myself that I didn't have any kind of basic rights to kindness, happiness or being me that anytime I do those things or receive them it feels wrong. I feel selfish .. if taking care of me means no contact .. then that's what I'm doing .. taking care of me.
I have found that I don't owe my STBAX any kind of explanation in terms of why I'm not talking to him or engaging with him for me it's all in black and white (kind of literally in some ways). That is my sickness talking back to his and I don't want to engage .. it's HARD to say the least. I also see him imploding at the moment and the urge to reach out is completely there and if not for the OP I probably would have .. right now it's not healthy.
The word NO and STOP are complete sentences .. after that I'm trying to rationalize with an irrational person and that's wasted time and energy I can't get back.
Come here 90x if you need to and write it out .. sleep on it .. re-read what has been written and then you can decide not to decide another 24 hours to have no contact .. usually once I re-read what I have written I see in that moment things really do pass and whatever urge I'm feeling I remember the WHY's of what I'm doing and I feel more resolved to trust myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You cannot believe his words; you can believe his actions. He will abuse you, that is a certainty. From my experience, if you engage him with any contact, he has his foot in the door, and you are under his spell, again. You are not being cold hearted, you are being warm hearted to the person that matters most here and that is you. I followed some wise counsel once from an addiction counselor who told me to BE QUIET when my husband was in the throes of his addictions...it was hard, as I am much like you, but it helped. When he moved out, I would not answer his texts, then I received the texts that told me I was not being compassionate (because I am soft hearted, he knew that one would get me). I was still silent, chewing on my fingers, but I was silent to him. I reached for recovery people, as you are doing here. Keep reaching for people in recovery people and keep silent with this man who abuses you. You deserve better.
T: This is part of the honeymoon phase where they try to make up. If he could bring you 100000 roses he probably would. He didn't hit you because of societal pressure. He hit you because he's an abusive person who needs you back to help himself feel bigger than he does. You cannot help him with this. Taking care of yourself by staying away from him is not being cold-hearted. It is being self-protective and self-loving. If he were a rabid dog that attacked you and then welped a bit would you go try to help the dog again? Or would you take good care of yourself by staying away from it? The ex bf is not a dog, but will attack the same as a rabid dog will attack. Words mean nothing here. Only actions do. He has showed you he will attack you. He doesn't really care what your state of mind is. You aren't being hard-hearted or selfish. You are being gentle and self-loving for yourself. You are being wise in refusing to set yourself up again in relationship to him. Please continue to take good care of yourself, T. So glad you wrote here. Much, much encouragement and support for you as you look after T. Let HP take care of the BF.
You are doing what is necessary to take care of you!! Good for you!! If you don't take care of you, who will? This is NOT being cold or hard hearted! This is TAKING CARE OF YOU, which may be difficult for you which would explain why you feel guilty...let that feeling go, it is not real! But being abused is very real!! He is losing it, he proved that by hitting you! I pray you will choose to honor yourself and NOT him and his cunning, baffling and powerful disease! I also hope that you are a member of a f2f Al-Anon group, if not I hope you will seek and find one. Surround yourself with healthy people that will help you stay strong so you do not go back to that revolving door....good job on posting here instead of writing back to him! I hope you will choose to continue to post here, write it here instead of to him:)
You are not alone here! Prayers for courage & strength for you
You are doing what is necessary to take care of you!! Good for you!! If you don't take care of you, who will? This is NOT being cold or hard hearted! This is TAKING CARE OF YOU, which may be difficult for you which would explain why you feel guilty...let that feeling go, it is not real! But being abused is very real!! He is losing it, he proved that by hitting you! I pray you will choose to honor yourself and NOT him and his cunning, baffling and powerful disease! I also hope that you are a member of a f2f Al-Anon group, if not I hope you will seek and find one. Surround yourself with healthy people that will help you stay strong so you do not go back to that revolving door....good job on posting here instead of writing back to him! I hope you will choose to continue to post here, write it here instead of to him:)
You are not alone here! Prayers for courage & strength for you
I can't add anything to Paula or Grateful or to Mimi here...except ONE thing that they already mentioned
HE HIT YOU.........U say in your post "were he hit me out of a anxiety attack." I have anxiety an I have NEVER abused anyone....when I say "so and so did something out of...................." I am deep down, justifying or explaining their behaviour...like having anxiety attack excuses it????? BULL!!!! remember 3 words..........HE HIT YOU..............HE HIT YOU............
those words are all you need to repeat when u doubt your WISE choice about leaving him.....Cold hearted???? over what??????? saving your life??????? for the FIRST time, perhaps you showed a WARM heart for YOU...the one who deserves your love.......YOU
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
T: Don't know how all this wisdom and support being shared with you is affecting you and I hope you take it all to heart and let our experiences guide you through this one. You haven't been beaten before now, I'm assuming? Many of us have. We wouldn't lie to you or try to guide you out of something that we know through experience is not going to improve - especially with you being as isolated as you've written you are - no police and no al-anon meetings. I don't know where you are and you certainly don't have to reveal it. I do hope you can move away from there or have safe places to go if you need it? I know you went on retreat somewhere, so maybe you are close to civilization somewhere close to you? Lots of hugs and hope for you, T.
I was in an abusive relationship, that started with a hit out of frustration, almost as an accident. And the apologies, etc came along. I ended up married and with 2 children, and when one of those children got pushed by accident, I got out. Then, I married my AH. I got some help, but not enough. I am working on understanding me. Understanding my needs and need to care for others. I can't say much more from what the others have already said. But, keep it quiet and be good to yourself. You deserve more. You deserve better. You are worth it.
