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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Just letting things out a little.
Post Info TOPIC: Just letting things out a little.
Debilyn


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Just letting things out a little.
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I believe the prayers and good energy you all sent helped me. Is sorta up, and down.

It seems so insane to be where some of us are, who have no one. I don't believe we deserve it. Am not kidding when I say, I have not had a conversation with anyone for so many weeks.

Have no one to talk about this horrible thing that has happened. Losing my best and only real friend.

Thought I was too close to ending myself. Then read what you all said and what fb people said to me. Next morn knew I would put one foot in front of the other. Even if it was with no passion.

He called and I told him I was devistated. Asked him to send me my stuff I thought we were going to share, and all the pictures. I don't send him any communication anymore. He sent me a email today, saying how it pains him to see me this way, he will send my stuff and thank you for sending it to him. Then precedes to tell me how his dog has to have surgery. huh? Don't tell me about that. Tell me how to heal my heart that is oozing with infection and pain.

I will not respond, in fact I wish I would not have read it. I wake up and he starts to enter my mind and I say, I don't want to think about him.

Not used to never smiling.

So somehow this gal who is mourning the death of her son needs help. So I am taking in four Chi/Havenese eight mo. old puppies and five eighteen mo old Havenese dogs. I have many already placed. She lives way in the mountains. So I thought I would help her. She told me she was so relieved she cried.

So that will keep me busy, and helping is how I heal. I mean you all know I will just hate it.....I am already thinking about moving my mattress to the living room so we can all sleep together....

Learned my spark of life comes from my animals, God/Hp must have meant that to be. I do love the man though, very much. Miss him too much. My heart ackes. who am I kidding, my whole body hurts.

I just don't understand how come I am left alone. No reason probably. Just is. I know our Father loves me, he is always there. He always makes sure when I hit this end of my ability to hang in, that he steps in. 

I hope so very much what I believe the Bible means to be true. I just want to wake up after I die to Ed, my first husband really in front of me, with my Mother and gpa and gma. I still feel so deep in me, "Ed I could kill you for leaving me here alone." Everything changed when he died. everything. Nothing has gone very nice since. Lost my innocense I guess.

thank you for reading, I apologize, I am just so tired. hugs,debilyn

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
hotrod


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Dear Deb

I do hear you and so understand

Please try to get through tihis one moment at a time understanding that this grief journey is not an easy road.

Love your little critters and know you are loved by HP and all here at MIP.

 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
neshema2


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Dear Deb, I, too, can relate so much to what you say

I think of my AH #2 and how my life has stunk since I had to let him go....alone....missing the good we had together, but I just did not want to watch him die.....we had sooo much fun together, but dying that way, I couldn't do ....

I devote my time to my rescuing animals...then the crash hit in 2008 and I lost my last  job,  Jun 1st, 2008.....life has been hell since....as u say, not very nice.....struggling to just keep in a straight line

I called verizon and cut back a bit on tv channels to save money...I need the Iphone for business,  what is of it...and internet I need and its real cheap...just to save a $20 here and there....the only reason why I got an Iphone is that they GAVE it to me if I would do a 2 yr. contract....well I need a cell and I won't leave verizon, so I said "sure"  so i got this great phone for just committing to 2 years....

anyway, I know what u mean by being alone...I can't even rescue anymore b/c of the economy hurting my business so bad.......used to have 5 dogs at one time, rehabbing them, training them to re-home....worked w/my shelter for YEARS doing this.....LOVED helping...I even took in rats and hamsters and just kept them.....

now I have the two dogs and 1 kitty...all rescues....one is coming to end of life probably this year or within a year for sure.......

I, too thought I had a b.f.  , nice guy,  truck driver...no drinking..his brother and sister are my dear friends....and I LIKED him........straight guy, but he was getting too involved with me and he ditched me b/c he didn't want to get serious and he said he could with me....so that was that.I am real slow to give my trust and heart, but it did hurt some...He was a perfect gentleman to me...He just knew I was the marriage kind and he was not ready to settle down...he was honest about it...He respected me and my morals...He just did not want to settle down....I think his truck and the highway are his mistress...His brother told me he is still trucking all over USA.....

I am sooo sorry what happened to you....when I kicked AH #2 out , it took me about 2 years to get over it.....in 02, I got into recovery....2 years after he and I split....I was seeing my therapist still, then she passed away and omg...I was devastated again......so much loss....husband (my choice, but still a loss)  then my therapist whom I loved...my cousin moves away from me to MA.....my male friend later.....my good job of 9 years then I find another one and its good, 1 year, and the CRASH....

loss almost over took me...and that is the major ones I listed....there were more...it got so by late 2009 and into 2010  , I didn't want to get up anymore.....one thing after another    bad karma over and over.....I was overwhelmed.....i began to isolate and i began to drink again.... but I saw that as bad news so I quit doing that, but I isolated...fantasized.....just refused to face anything anymore.....and I was in program, but just overwhelmed...felt like program , nothing could help my life so why try???  now I have 3 good clients but need 2 more days a month to supplement social security

I am afraid to spend b/c I don't know what disaster, (plumbing, truck, repair)  is coming next...

I am back working hard on my program b/c its all I have.....I fight off the financial fear w/the program, and meditating and visualizing things getting better but trying not to fight the energy of what is NOW

Deb, I know stuff has to change...for you...for me....it CANT stay this way forever......I deal and cope by taking Xtra care of me...finding fun where I can....MAKING myself move and do stuff....exercise....bike riding....playing w/my pets....I have my aging doggie who needs me to help her until she says she is ready to go home......sitting in the back yard by my little shrubs I planted.....drought killed my beautiful trees 2 years ago, so I planted some cute shrubs and they are growing adn I sit by them and feel their energy

I call people I love an trust and share w/them.....(I make me do it even tho I want to isolate and just curl up and "go away" )  

I know this post might not make any sense to you, I am just letting you know I SO relate and am sending you prayers of peace and comfort and love and good happy things.....

I know if we keep putting out good energy, good energy HAS to come back to us....Sometimes the wait is a killer, but I keep trying for ME....

 



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
grateful2be


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Debilyn: Thank you for all the wonderful pictures and for an update on you, too. No words to add that will improve things for you right now. I have had those times in my life when just putting one foot in front of the other was my prayer of faith and trust in HP. Those were the times that was all I had to hang onto for awhile. I made it through - as Betty said - one moment/minute at a time. That's all I could stand. If you want to pm me your phone #, I will call you if you'd like to talk and I will listen.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Sweet Stanley


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(((Debilyn))) Read your post... Glad you are still here, girl.  You are NOT alone. We may not get to see you or speak f2f, but we ARE here and care about you. They say time heals, and in time, it will get better. I know it is of little consolation today, but it does seem to be the truth. I personally believe all things happen for a reason and just maybe the one you are meant to be with is just around the corner And your HP just hasn't shown him to you yet. In the mean time, just keep doing what you are doing. love those animals of yours, help others, work your program.  Wishing you the best......

 



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Sweet Stanley
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