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I wanted all summer to have a camping trip with my whole family... I finally managed to get them all together for Saturday sleeplover night at a campground. It was only for one night, but I will take what I can get. I was so excited. I love when my kids and grand kids can all be together!!! I love them all SO much. Needless to say, it would have been great except for my AH. My son has issues with his Dad and distances himself from us which is awful for me as then I don't get to see my grand kids very often. I love them and miss them... And my son too. So last night was a stormy night and the four grand kids were in our camper pretty early in the evening with us and Grandpa wanted to go to bed. Needless to say, kids will be kids and did not want to settle down. Grandpa finally went ballistic on all of us. I tried telling him, it was only 24 hours, anybody can tolerate 24 hours... Guess not. He stormed out if the camper, was going to go home and leave me there with no way home and a Camper. So, I had to do the beg game to calm him down and get him back in the camper. The kids were upset and so was I! He tried to apologize today, but I am SO angry!!!!!!! Can't he think of anyone else for ONE day!!!!!???
He had 3 years + sobriety but has been slipping for the past month. He came clean in his AA meetings and is really trying to work his program and I knew he would be edgy this past weekend, but really??? I guess I shouldn't have pushed to get this weekend to work for everybody .... But, can I say it? What about me? Sometimes I want and need things too. I do work my program....I come here often, attend F2F meetings, have reestablished friendships, attend church regularly. I did not enable him in any way this last slip, detached and went about with my own life.
Some days, I just wonder if it is worth it? Have I been fighting to make my marriage work at the expense of losing my son and his kids? His kids don't really seek him (Grandpa) out or attempt to spend time with him (they are 6 land 7). It is like they know that kids agitate him. His daughter is always telling me how much she misses me and wants me to come spend time with her And when can she see me again.... I guess what I am struggling with is sober or drunk, he is kind of an Ahole. He was very sarcastic to me all day, when I said ANYTHING. I am just thoroughly disgusted with him and his actions!! I managed to get the grand kids to bed and quiet, but I am saddened at this new memory THEY will have. I am also thoroughly disgusted with myself that I had to beg him to stay last night. Kind of wondering if I can forgive him for that? I haven't done anything like that in almost 4 years and it brought back a whole lot of horrible memories! Today was very quiet... I have nothing to say to him..... Just SO angry!
Awwwwww. I am so very sorry that some of this weekend trip that you were looking forward to included Grandpa coming out like a grizzly bear with the kids. Can you go visit with your kids and grandkids without Grandpa? If he's going to be a bear - can he be that bear at home by himself while you go do what you want to do? Were there any moments during this weekend that you and the kids did enjoy? With or without Grandpa?
If it is any comfort to you - One of my grandmothers could be like two different people. Fun, funny, generous and kind. At other times, she'd order me out and my brothers and sisters to find a switch when she was caring for us and could be quite the screamer. I loved her. I loved her a lot.
At a very young age, I knew there was something wrong with her - I just didn't know what it was. Nobody told me that. I just knew it intuitively and stayed away from her as much as possible when she was "off her rocker." But, I didn't want to be away from her all the time.
Oh, I have been fighting that same thing. I said the same words as you too. "Have I been fighting to make my marriage work at the expense of my kids and grandkids?" My answer was yes. And I was reminded that even though he was in aa and not drinking anymore he wanted me to himself..... isolation.... and my life was not about me but about what he wanted. The analogy was like a toy on the shelf that could be brought out to play with when he wanted.
it took me awhile to process all that. I ended up detaching further from him and enjoying my daughters and grandchildren all the more. Did he like who I had become? Oh heck no! But that is all about boundaries.
I used to camp all the time. The hubby hated it. But sometimes he wanted to go...i dont know why. He was miserable and acting like he was doing me a favor to be there. Finally if he said he wanted to go i told him i refused to go with him. And i stuck with it.
You do work a great program and well my A's ruined many holidays and big events for me in the past. This is a tough one for sure and all I can say is keep your head up. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I can totally understand how you feel. And I agree with the others, next time leave him home. I am struggling with those same issues at this very same moment. And it is definitely a hard place to be in. I am trying to find some place inside of me to pray and hold onto faith. I do believe that if you keep coming back, it will help. Good luck and take care of YOU. (((hugs)))
I see my grown son when my AH isnt around, he'll call and ask if his step dad is home or not. Or ask me to stop by his house. I respect that. I dont like it, but totally respect it.
As for our camp at the lake. my grown son will never go there, not even when we arent there. And I always take my car. When things get too "drinky" for me or too much attitude shows up. I leave with my younger son and dogs. I refuse to be stuck in a situation again. Is it crazy to pay for an extra tank of gas? yes... but my sanity is worth it.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Thanks for all the comments and ESH. I guess I know that from now on, I will have an escape plan or at least an extra vehicle that HE can leave in so I can at least get the camper home from the campground. I'm still angry... but I have downgraded from FURIOUS!! LOL! I guess it was my turn to jump on the crazy train for a bit. I just need to get my head back where it needs to be and get back to work with this program. I just wish life was easy once in a while so I could just enjoy it with no strings attached. Oh well... on the bright side... I got some great photos of my grandchildren.
I heard the guilt in your post. If the kids and grandkids don't like to be around the AH any more, then thats' his problem not yours. It's sad, but you can't fix everything
I've been leaving mine in the dust for years. I make plans with whoever and off I go. And I am so much happier when he's not there in some mood, or getting pissed cause he wants to go home. I feel I can be myself and not have to moniter my behavior, or that of others. And not walk aroung on egg shells. It's just a given that he isn't going to go on family outings, ect I'm awful new on here to be giving advise, but have 40+ years in dealing with an ahole. Leave him home and don't look back.
You do work a great program and well my A's ruined many holidays and big events for me in the past. This is a tough one for sure and all I can say is keep your head up. Sending you much love and support!
Yep...so true....my A's wrecked a lot of my fun too, maybe next time, leave him HOME!!!! and yea, U R working your program well.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I just need to get my head back where it needs to be and get back to work with this program. I just wish life was easy once in a while so I could just enjoy it with no strings attached. Oh well... on the bright side... I got some great photos of my grandchildren.