The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
T: Lecture you? I'd much prefer to wrap you in something soft - like a downs comforter - and ask the judging committee in your mind to please be still. I - like you - thought it was in some way my fault that my ex beat me. Maybe you did go to see him but you weren't asking for him to hit you -so you weren't asking for it. He saw an opportunity to make himself feel bigger and better about himself at your expense. Just because he could. He does belong in jail. You belong in a soft place with soft people who can help you heal yourself again.
If my cat came to sit next to me on a couch - her furry body wrapped closely to mine - and all of a sudden I hit her with my fist, what would you see my action to be? What would you say to her? What would you do for her? Perhaps you can apply your personal answers to yourself now?
You're not a cat, but I see that you were as vulnerable as she was in this story. This isn't your fault. It is the action of a very sick man who you didn't cause, can't control and won't cure.
We love you, T. We will be with you for as long as you need - even beyond the time you will love yourself. (((T)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 25th of August 2013 08:46:58 AM
I met my ex ABF this week. I didn't consider it to be a bad move, because I trusted myself.
Now please don't tell me, you should have, you shouldn't have, you are playing the victim, you are this , you are that.
i am working my program. I am trying to take care of myself. I do mistakes, and I know better after that.
there has been days of hope of strength, of courage.
We met ... because I wasn't ready to let go. I wasn't ready to delete that person off my life. It is hard. I wasn't ready to ignore the phone calls, I wasn't ready to move on...i SIMPLY WASN'T ready! I thought, maybe this was all just a huge setup of my own sick imagination. That things were not as bad.
so we met. we talked. Things became bumpy, mad. from 'nice' to 'ugly' in 5 seconds.... I thought i was safe. I wasn't. He hit me. Out of jealousy, out of frustration, out of anger, and because he was back in using alcohol again. is it because of alcohol, is it because of a sick mind, is it a mental disease...it doesn't matter really. I let myself exposed, i let myself hit. I am not a victim here, I know exactly why i was sitting there, next to him. Because I missed him, because i wanted things to work out, because I didn't want to be in a 'crazy story' anymore. i wanted to listen, I wanted to express.
so today I feel numb....not angry, nor sad, nor terrified, nor lonely...or maybe all at once. What happened to us? where did my friend go?
yes, I came here 1 year ago, because I qualified for Al Anon. I didn't know I would end up like this. Things got better. But my boundaries shrank, my tolerance for abuse got higher...it started with mental torture, manipulation, and it now simply has become physical. The same guy I hugged 1 month ago.
It's my fault also, I should have seen the signs,been more responsible for myself. He doesn't even care today, how I feel....and I realize he never cared for how I felt.
I dropped low. Yes I was with an A, because I have low self-esteem. And I probably just got what I asked for. I too sent out signs...and I got pushed because I was pushable.
PLease please please, don't lecture me, just for those of you who came to this point, please give me an ESH share. everybody outside saw it coming, well it looked different from the inside.
I am continuing to work the program, things got better for me after all. My awareness, my values. I am just sorry that I had to come this low to realize that this doesn't make sense.
you won't get lectured here. Of course you want to ensure that you are physically safe, but there's no right or wrong definitively about being able to walk away completely from our As or Xs or XAs...haha
Many many times I have seen the ph light up w my soon to be ex's name and thought, DO NOT answer, sometimes I have been able to do that, sometimes not. Then the next step, if the conversation begins and buttons are being pushed--am I working my program> Engaging? Not? Sometimes I feel strong and at my healthiest and other times, who knows why I have been right back in the sickness with him.
Important that you are not too hard on yourself here...we are all here to support you.
The only thing I would offer again is that if physical violence is involved you must protect yourself, keep working your program
Getting hit is actually being victimized Tortuga. There's a difference between being victimized and playing the victim. It's okay to admit you were victimized. You had a crime committed against you and none of it is your fault. This guy belongs in jail.
I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. You are a beautiful. kind, compassionate, loving person who believes in this person and who will go to any lengths to make this relationship work. I do understand and have been there.
The last time you posted we spoke about the 8TH Step and placing yourself at the top of the list of people we have harmed. It might be time to call a domestic abuse hotline and begin caring more deeply for yourself.
Please continue working your program,know that you are a valuable person and deserve happiness, compassion respect and love
(((Hugs)))) Tortuga. I agree with pinkchip. You were victimized and he definitely deserves to be in jail. Please be gentle with yourself. And keep coming back.
I have slipped yesterday thinking it would be OK. I let the A into my life a little to much. But it's going to be OK. I will continue to work my program and keep myself grounded. I will pick myself up again.
I also agree with the others it might be time to seek law protection because of him hitting you. He has no right no matter what. To meet with somebody and even get in a argument does NOT give him the right to hurt you. NONE...
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am glad you are here and shared with us. I will not should on you, I will however tell you that we are here to support and love on you until you have the strength to love yourself. Please be careful and take the best care of you that you can, no one deserves abuse no matter what. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm sure ,not a one of us here, has anything but good thoughts for you. Sorry you had to go through that. I like to turn bad stuff like that, around, and use it to my advantage. I use it for fuel. Fuel to get the hell away from him. Fuel to help you see clearly that staying with him is only going to more of the same, or worse. See it as a learning opportunity. He is telling you who he is, believe it.
I can sure understand wanting to reach out and give another chance to the man who fulfilled your dreams once upon a time. I did the same thing, no physical violence but enough to remind me that THAT burner was, is and will always be hot. I'm sorry.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Tortuga, Im so sorry this has happened. Its not your fault, ever. You never deserve violence, never. I think, in my experience that before some really good progress we sink and in this way we learn deeply. Maybe you are sinking today but see it as preparation for some good progress.x
I'm am right with every one else here , you should not of been hit , I feel your pain . Mine a has yet hit me but gets in my face and try's to provoke me, my A started with the cursing at me again and using me and I allowed this to happen to . I gave him the benefit of the dought . He tossed my stuff out of my room and told me to go sleep in the shed , wanna no why!!! I told him no and walked away he came after me and I didn't look back I didn't respond I walked calm with my pillows and my Alalon book which is now my bible , got to my room he still wanted to push my buttons I turned to him and closed my door with my Alalon sign on my door and locked it.. My A very manipulate the control has increased his temper is out of control now . I can identified with your not believe that this crap is happing my A is a ticking bomb right now . I will pray so hard for you and pray for him to get his program back on track . Sending lots of love hugs and support
My situation is different from yours, but I can share my own experiences with being hopeful, wanting so much for my AH to change, and then discovering over again that he hasn't and in fact he is terribly hurtful verbally. When I first started exploring my feelings around all of this, I felt stupid and guilty and foolish for putting myself in situations where he could hurt me. I am learning to be more gentle with myself and more realistic, too. I know that being hopeful is a good personality trait. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, and to be loving. Those are good characteristics in my personality, and they work well in relatively healthy relationships. But they don't serve me well in the dynamic with AH because his addiction makes things pretty disfunctional. Plus, I have realized that the flip side of my "hopefulness" is denial -- I have not wanted to accept the depth of his addiction and the enormous ways it has changed him and affected our family. My therapist asked me once, "How do you think it has helped you to not let yourself see his alcoholism?" The question startled me but I know that denial was my way of coping with my own fear and my not being ready to face what I'd have to do once I really acknowledged the problem.
Anyway, when I interact with my AH now (we have been separated for 6 months) I try to look at the repeated behaviors as "gifts" that remind me what is going on. They're painful. But they make me confront the reality over and over again. I have to learn not to expose myself to them.
Please keep coming back. You won't be lectured or judged here. So many of us understand just what you are going through. You are facing your reality and you're very brave.
