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I haven't been on here in awhile and am glad to be back :) My brother is an addict (for years now...hes 24) and I've been able to detach with love and pray for him with the help of alanon. He's been in and out of rehabs and homeless for awhile as well. He is currently sober 2 months, completed inpatient and is now doing outpatient, going to meetings and therapy. He had a near death experience and appears to understand the seriousness of his addiction and seems to be more motivated this time around. Of course, I don't ever get my hopes up but I definitely remain positive. what I'm wondering is about how my mom is handling the situation. She detached completely, knowing he was homeless and didn't step in to help. She's been going to alanon daily. After staying in a shelter for some time...he came to her and was serious about getting help (thats when he went into rehab this last time). So, after being sober for 2 months, he has been diagnosed as schizoaffective (psychosis...hearing voices/delusions....along with severe mood swings). After this information, my mom is now paying for him to be in an apartment while he does outpatient because she believes being on the street without treatment will only push him further into psychosis and won't help with sobriety. She says as long as he stays sober and in a program...drug tested, meetings, therapy etc. she will pay for an apartment until he can function. I understand her view but part of me feels this is enabling? What do you do if your family member is schizophrenic and an addict? He is not mentally stable (could be from drugs, but appears to be possibly a permanent thing). He has medical and can get treatment himself, but without government aid he would be homeless. If you know anything about psychosis, you can't get a job easily and right now they are still trying to find a med that works for him without severe side effects. I haven't seen him in 6 months and just visited him the other day. It is clear that he is not all there mentally as he used to be when he was sober other times. I think the drugs screwed him up or something, which is so sad to me. However, I've been able to let go and let God and feel alanon has helped me to lead a happy healthy life. However, I think my mom, now that she's helping him, is putting stress on herself and might be enabling him. At the same time, he is basically schizophrenic so what do you just let him roam the streets or do you get him help if he remains sober? This doesn't feel like your basic, detach and he will learn to care for himself situation anymore....he literally can't at this time. I know alanon says that helping an addict in the way of paying for an apartment is taking their dignity away and that they'll never learn to do it for themselves, but I'm just wondering about the schizophrenia. Just looking for some other perspectives. Thanks!
I try and see it from this point of view .. if I am doing something and it's hurting me (anger, resentments) or the other person (I'm supporting their addiction) then I'm enabling and allowing resentments to tarnish the true spirit of my giving. Pretty much .. I'm in control mode. If I give because it's just what I want to do and my motive is pure and clear then it doesn't matter if someone else thinks I'm enabling or not .. that is between me and my higher power. Whatever is going on with your brother and mom is between them. If she chooses to help for whatever her reasons that is her HP guiding her as you have mentioned she has a program. If she helps and complains then that's still her issue still and if it were my mom, I don't have to play a part. It sounds to me as if she is doing what SHE wants to do in the spirit of her HP. I kind of go to the whole is this my business or not and try to keep the focus on me. She sounds like she knows her boundaries and what is and is not ok .. I'd say she's working a very good program. Now it's back to you .. how are you doing in your own program?
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I worked with Chronically mentally ill folks for a while. I would suggest the help of some mental health agency with a housing continuum. He would either need a group home or supported independent living. I do not know what the finances are. Nowadays kids stay on their parents' insurance until they are 26, so this could be preventing him from being medicaid/SSDI elligible for such services....these places usually take the majority of someones 600 dollar disability check and that is their food and rent and medicaid covers the rest of the treatment. This would allow your mom to detach more, let him be more financially on his own (at least getting his own benefits). It's a difficult step to take though because that is really basically declaring him somewhat incompetent, if not fully. He will definitely qualify for disability with a psychotic (schizoaffective) diagnosis. I could see the validity of waiting to see how much his mental health improves in the next couple of months. If by 6 months sober, he is still psychotic and having severe mood swings, then it's the real deal and not just substance induced for sure.
Hi, Sam. Welcome back to the board. Glad you're in Al-Anon. Glad your Mom is in Al-Anon. Glad your brother is getting help, too.
As a Mom with a son who has this disease and other issues, too, it was important for me to do what I intuited my HP and my Al-Anon experience led me to do. Oftentimes, I felt judged and criticized by family members to include my daughter and my grandson who had a different relationship to my son than I had. No matter what I did or didn't do, to include letting him struggle with homelessness or letting him live with me, have contact or no contact with him, help him or not help him, attend Al-Anon or not attend Al-Anon, a family member would disagree with what was a uniquely personal choice that was very difficult for me to make and stand by, but I did it. As a sister to non-recovering siblings -two with diagnosed mental health issues that may or may not be alcohol or substance induced, my relationship is different than that of being a Mom to an adult child with this disease. I am the oldest in a family of 10 children who also has a unique relationship to my non-recovering co-dependent and aging father. I'm also a professional who works with folks affected by this disease and have responsibilities to them that includes letting them do what they can do for themselves and assisting them with what they cannot do for themselves.
As a member of Al-Anon, I've learned to focus mostly on what I need to do to take care of myself as I work my program. As a Mom, a grandmom, a sister, a daughter and as a professional, I'd love to have the ability and/or power to help folks get clean and sober, improve the quality of their lives, and control what other people do in my loved ones lives, but I'm just an ordinary woman who has the power only to take good care of myself and practice the steps myself. Al-Anon has helped me make decisions that go against my natural inclination to want to protect and make things easier for my son. It has also helped me stand back and let him struggle without me when the time seemed right to do that. I must also live with the choices I have thoughtfully made and those results.
All of us in a family (immediate or extended) affected by alcoholism need support and understanding as we grow in this program or suffer needlessly without it. Our relationships to each other are uniquely our own. I have learned to simplify my life by staying focused on myself and my individual relationship to family members. By doing this, I have more energy to do what I need to do for me.
Lots of encouragement for you as you continue with your recovery in Al-Anon. Keep coming back. Glad you're here.
I remember a wonderful share a while ago about a sign in a wildlife preserve that said "Please don't feed the animals, you will destroy their natural instincts for survival." But if you come across a raccoon with a tumor, it's OK for a veterinarian to treat the tumor, because there is no way the raccoon could do that for itself.
I think with mentally ill people (my own qualifier is schizophrenic) the important thing is to not do for them the things that they CAN do for themselves -- but if he's not stabilized on meds (that can take a while to find the right combo, and it may change over time) then working and paying for an apartment is NOT something he can do for himself right now, and it's OK to help him out with things as long as:
A) He is, through no fault of his own, not capable of doing those things for himself right now
and
B) He is trying to get better (working with a psychiatrist, taking meds, etc.)
Suppose he was unable to work due to an injury -- as long as he was going to physical therapy and trying to get better, you'd probably help him out. But if he took it as an excuse to sit around watching TV all day and didn't even try to go to physical therapy, then you'd want to stop helping because you'd be supporting/enabling that decision. But if he's trying to get better and legitimately needs help along the way, there is no harm in giving that help. It's the same way with mentally ill people -- when they're making an effort, it's OK to help them, as long as that help isn't preventing them from doing things they CAN do for themselves, or shielding them from the consequences of bad choices.
Under the very same circumstances, as a parent i would be inclined to help my adult child with such a diagnosis. Sounds like they both are doing what they can to live comfortably in their own skin. Him, being active in his recovery and getting much needed therapy and mom doing what she needs to so she can sleep at night restfully as a loving parent.
I agree with Pinkchip that there are resources available regarding disability income, public housing assistance, etc. These things might have to come into play eventually, but right now, that process could be way too overwhelming for either of them to undertake at this stage of the process towards stabilization. I have worked and still work with many severely mentally disabled people and having a psychosis does not get a disability application rubber stamped with approval that much faster than any other just cause/illness. It's very time consuming. And here in the Wilmington area, public housing assistance, (section 8 and HUD) are unable to assist any one with any immediate need for housing. HUD has a 2 year waiting list and Section 8 stopped taking applications all together for the next 18 months. The demand for housing assistance is much higher than thee availability of adequate subsidized housing. So, from my prospective it sounds like Mom and brother are on the right track... each doing their part. When it starts to become uncomfortable to either of them, change will come into play.
Take care of you, and try to be supportive of them. This is a very sad, hard, but very real, part of life sometimes.
John
-- Edited by John on Saturday 24th of August 2013 08:21:14 PM
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Well , I feel your pain for sure. Actually I have just been on here for 3 days myself. So far I have only talked about my AH. But I also have the son. My son is 39, was diagonised 10 years ago with paranoid schizophrenia. It is typical of the mentally ill to self medicate with drinking and drugs. He has been in jail 70+ times, most for drug and alcohol charges. Most of the rest of the last 10 years homeless. He refuses to take meds. He could be anywhere in the US. Sometimes it's 2 years till I hear from him again. I can usually find out if he is still alive by googling his name, and he will most times pop up on a jail roster somewhere. Pretty bed for a mom to be glad their son is on jail, but he's alive and has food and is out of the elements. We have gotten him off the streets a few times. And it always ends the same, one way or another he has to leave. The last time was just 2 weeks ago. I got him on SS and medicade. But when he gets his money, he drinks it away, and the rest of the month he pan handles, if not in jail. He has been hit by a car, and his leg was broken so badly that now he walks with a bad limp and uses a cane. Most rescently he was beat up, his jaw was broken and he had 5 fractures in his face. We got a call from a hospital in Montama, to say he was there with his jaw wired shut, in the mental unit. I used to worry myself sick especially at night. I HAD to stop it. I don't share this info with most people, but the few that know about him say, how can you stand it? I don't know , how I stand it. I tried, and tried to help him. I can't help him. Being his mother you want to help more cause that's your job. And then there's the AH that is no help at all. I could sure use some support. When we do get him off the street trying to help him, those two always get into it. It's a great time to be had by all. Right now he is in the mental unit in the hospital near here. I had to just leave him in the grocery store parking lot last week, he went off on me, cussed me horribly. so I left him there. 8 hrs later he was locked up for being drunk.
I don't know if your mom is doing the right thing or not. There is a group called NAMI that have been a lot of help to me. I wish you and your mom well.
