The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son offered to help my mom with jobs around the house. He'd been clean about a week. After helping her he forgot to put the ladder back in the garage. I had moved the ladder and out of site out of mind. My mom offered to pay him. He said he didn't want money, he just wanted to help her. Later when she realized he forgot to put the ladder back there was criticism. Then she and my husband talked. He told her how my son did sloppy yard work a few years ago.
I am furious. No mention if it was a Favor. Just shame and judgement. Now I'm so mad at them both. He is trying....and I diesel so alone in my hope. In my fears. Alone and it sucks.
My husband has called me every name in the book because I was mad at him. He disagrees that they did anything bad. I take up for him too much, always have. DOESN'T ANYONE SEE HE OFFERED TO DO A FAVOR? I am so very angry and scared i need to forgive them, but right now cannot! Help
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Momma Bear! I know her well. She always comes to protect her cub. Are you angry with them for this incident? Or are you angry because of many, many incidents that have involved both your Mom and your husband criticizing you, too? Do you feel like criticism of your child's behavior is also criticism of you? I've experienced some pretty deep anger in my lifetime. I've also experienced not just fear but terror. Both those feelings woke me up to making some changes in my lifetime. As far as forgiveness goes, it is a process. Forgiving too soon, before we've worked things out for ourselves to include strong feelings of anger and fear, resolves nothing. I can't remember if you've posted that you are attending Al-Anon meetings or our on-line meetings, so I'd like to suggest doing that soon. If you are in Al-Anon, upping the meetings, finding topics, slogans, or steps that might apply to your situation, and applying HALT to your life on a daily basis will help. You Mom, your husband and your son are not going to change because your son has been clean a week. Could be you're afraid he'll go back to using if they criticize him? Al-Anon will help you change and it will help you deal with some of what you're experiencing in relationship to your family. Much understanding and support for you.
Keep coming back.
Thank you. They have always criticized him, even when he was young. Yes, they have criticized me too. i grew up in that shame and hate it.
It would have been better had I not reacted. It gets old. I'm angry and feel very alone.
Thank you for sharing. Halt is a good idea. Things had been pretty good, this three me back. I need to get to meetings and find support because its silly for me to expect it from them.
I am happy that my son offered. I'm happy he is trying to choose a better life vi have to let this go and focus on the good. But the truth is I have a river of anger below the surface.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
(((K))) If it were me, I'd make sure my son knew how I appreciated the loving way he treated his grandmother. There is so much honesty and wisdom in your share. Yes, getting to meetings and finding support in Al-Anon is a simple and effective way to help you find the solutions and courage to change what you can in this situation. Most of us get to Al-Anon feeling as angry, frustrated and not supported, too. That all changes as we listen, learn to work our program, and hear the shares of others who are there or who have been there. Keep coming back here, too. We understand the ways this disease affects us and we learn ways to arrest its power to hurt us.
Katy, keep coming back...Hanging with the MIP board and your meetings will bring you peace of mind and serenity and indirectly improve your relationship with you mom and spouse. The end of our meetings speak about "no gossip and no criticism" of one another...That's an Al-Anon tool and behavioral practice and then it's only yours. Alcoholism and addiction touches everyone it comes into contact with and some of those it touches gives them the opportunity to criticize often because they feel of more value by devaluing someone else. Part of the Power and Control syndrome. Two important people in your life ...your Mom and your Husband gossiping and criticizing...Oh Well!! There are indexes in our daily readers which give us topics that when we read up on and think long on will quiet the anxiety we get when others are allowed to mess with our stuff. Keep coming back...It's good to have you hear. Also it is good to give the clean user strokes for good behavior as long as our motives and intentions are in the right place. You go girl. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all. It helps to think I could get to the place where I don't react. A place of understanding and peace! Thank you. I love this place and appreciate you all taking the time to share. My mom and husband do good things too, and they have their own stuff with themselves and with others. I want to allow them that without the anger. God help me!
I'm grateful for the ways they try to support and need to remember those times too. I also need to get into a support group and hang on!!!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
I see you've moved from feeling very angry to feeling more at peace and committed to your recovery and understanding of your family and how the disease has affected them. Keeping an open mind helped you find the help that Al-Anon promises. I agree with Jerry that if your motives and intentions are in the right place, positive strokes for the clean one is a good thing. I think positive strokes for you are in order, too.
You're made progress, Katy. Keep on, keeping on. (((K)))
