When will I feel ok in my own skin again? - Al-Anon Family Group

sad_dog_mommy · Veteran Member

When will I feel ok in my own skin again?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Progress - not perfection. This journey in alanon will be about setting boundaries - getting them crossed, sticking to your boundaries - making new ones when needed...it's all fluid and evolving. It's not a one set rule for every situation.

For some, the answer to "Why do I keep getting sucked into abuse?" is as simple as "Because you are around an abusive person so much." It's pretty hard to deflect all of it.

For some, not saying anything about the drinking and irresponsible behaviors would be a way of detaching. For others that would seem like being fake not living in reality. So for them, making more detached comments and then getting out of the way of the crapstorm of lies and ranting would be a good tool...ie "Whatever. I know what I know. I'm done with this conversation." and walk away. It's about what you need to do for you and to keep you feeling good about yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

After awhile in Al-Anon, I stopped caring about the A's business because I was focused more steadily on my own. I spent a lot of time and energy on my x's disease and behaviors - wearing myself out in the process. When I let go of him and focused on me, I found all sorts of ways to build myself up and change what I could change - me and my life.

Truth be told, I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting one night and realized while listening to the sharing that I had internalized Jiminy Cricket and his words from a song "Let your conscience be your guide" from Pinocchio. Somewhere in my history, I had misapplied that guidance from myself to another human being. My life took on a whole new direction when I became aware of what I had been unconsciously doing - being others' consciences. Too big a burden for me to carry.

Al-Anon helps me practice keeping my side of the street clean. It also helps me practice letting others do whatever they want with their side of the street. Establishing personal boundaries helps me keep other people's dirt off my side of the street, too. Glad you're here and learning with us.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When you finally realize that bad stuff means NOTHING, and ya might as well not listen to it, just say dadeedaaa the disease is opening it's darn mouth again, and walk away.

I mean really who cares what the disease makes our A say? It is like sand coming out of their mouth. Means nothing, we give it NO power. It's a definite, whateva! or ok u might be right! or well hessss (being disease) baaack and go do dishes, your nails, wrestle with the dog. i mean if he is not going to hurt you, take him to the table and arm wrestle him. I walked up and hugged mine once. He was totally stunned! lol

When they are being made to spit out the worst, I have looked at mine and said, OH you are sooo cute, I love you. I meant it too. I ignored the disease as it is not worth playing with and loved him.

I am not kidding honey, if my poor AH did not have a brain surgery that turned him in to a physically abusive monster, I would still be with him. I truly loved him, hated the disease.

Now he is a walking disease.

The trick is not to give this pointless disease any energy or thought! It's like being mad a cement, or a parrot who cusses, or cloths on a clothsline. Addictions evil symptoms do not deserve our attention. So do not engage with them. If you know it does not sound right, its the disease talking.

It's fine to ignore it. We are never going to stop it from yapping and acting out! So why bother, I can't stop a river so why bother trying? I just love the river, not the fact it floods, I cannot control that.

It's totally up to you to work it in your mind! We have A's on here. Rarely but sometimes I see their disease come out. I ignore it and love the person.

I am glad you are here. Believe me if you want it, a miracle can happen for you. IF you love your bf and want to enjoy him, look for his heart, don't give the disease the time of day. It does not care.

hugs!!!! Debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello again,

"when I do not engage with him about his drinking or his irresponsible behavior, it feels like I'm saying, it is ok."

In reality we do not have the power over their drinking, whether they do or don't , "We are powerless" over their drinking.

We need to tend to our own lives.

That's why I encourage you to really delve into the program, the steps of your recovery and the philosophy of Alanon.

There is nothing really you can do about the alcoholic, but you can relieve the angst you are going thru. I know its dissapointing to hear that we cannot cure or do anything to help them, but the truth is there is nothing. In following the Alanon way, we can act in new ways that might make the alcoholic take a look at himself and his behaviors, but there is no guarantee of that.

Keep coming back to our boards, we can help you.

Hugs, Bettina

sadsusie · Senior Member

I'll share with you what I learned at my first Alanon meeting. A man was talking about ACCEPTANCE (of a fact). this wasn't even a story about alchohol. His wife wanted to remodel their porch. He didn't. She was going to do it anyway. SO instead of fight it the entire way...because he knew it was going to happen regardless of what he said or did.. and instead of HATING the new beautiful improved porch...he ACCEPTED that it was going to happen. That didn't mean he liked it, that didn't mean he approved. but it was a fact. So he accepted it and saved himself alot of turmoil.

Your A is going to drink anyway - whether you give him your approval or not...so what do you care? don't beat yourself up over trying to set an example, I am sure it has gone way beyond that=(.

Maybe that will help put things into perspective. Sure I hated it that my AH was cruel to me. Sure I hated that he spent all our money. sure I I'm in alot of pain trying to pick up the pieces and repair my soul to hopefully get to a point where we can repair our marriage (he is 1 day out of rehab). But I accept the fact that these are things I cannot change, and I do my best to get on about my day and make it the best I can. Sometimes I do pretty well, sometimes I break down.

I am also very afraid that I will get sucked back into his manipulations...maybe i will maybe i won't, but If I do..I'll learn better next time. It think it takes time and practice. I lived in crazytown for about 10 years, so I know what you mean by the manipulation and the lies. I read Melanie Beatties "codependency No More", and learned a lot about the complexities of my relationship..although It took me a few months to realize it. I realized that I ignored my innermost thoughts and desires (my GUT) so that my husband would approve/love me. I am now in a place where I can start to trust my GUT again..and its not YOU that is crazy its the things going on around you.

I have decided that there is no such thing a "failure" failure is only recognizing that what you want is more than what you are getting. and if you don't RECOGNIZE the flaw you are stuck. You are brave enough to know you want something different. ALanon can help you change how you relate to the things that are going on around you in a better way - that is SUCCESS!
((Hugs)))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

sad_dog_mommy wrote:
Why does my rational brain get jumbled up my boyfriend's irrational ranting? Why do I get sucked in by his lies? When will I stop 2nd guessing myself when he tries to manipulate me? I guess after years of this kind of emotional abuse I cannot trust my own judgment.
When I do not engage with him about his drinking or his irresponsible behavior, it feels like I am saying it is ok.
Smokey the Bear says "only you can prevent forest fires". I will make that my mantra for the day. Only I can prevent emotional abuse from harming me.

Lots of good ???S.....I found all those answers, working the meetings, reading other peopel's shares here on this board, meetings, working the steps w/a good sponsor or co-recovery mate, I found all those answers and you will too.....Program taught me to "let go" the other and work on me....set boundaries for me, within me, it takes time...work..effort....desire to have a better life.....One thing I did was family of origin work...(step 4) to find out WHY I kept attracting and staying w/dysfunctional people who could not "pull their end of the plow with me"...Who could not be a blessing to me....I had to discover and fall in love with me first...The healthier I become, the less interested I am in relationships that re emotionally unhealthy for me....I had to "learn as I worked..." but I am learning...This is a journey, never a destination....Progress over perfection....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:

For some, not saying anything about the drinking and irresponsible behaviors would be a way of detaching. For others that would seem like being fake not living in reality. So for them, making more detached comments and then getting out of the way of the crapstorm of lies and ranting would be a good tool...ie "Whatever. I know what I know. I'm done with this conversation." and walk away. It's about what you need to do for you and to keep you feeling good about yourself.

I dont' think there is a "cookie cutter" way of detaching....what ever works...whatever is safe...whatever exits me from the abuse, etc.....people are different, so my responses to say #1 would be different from #2.....with my AH #2, I could confront him and have at least a decent conversation w/him, even tho I knew he was NOT gonna get into AA, at least not in the near future....with AH#1....I didn't bother much, unless to say "I wanted to cut my hair so I did" and then I would walk away or disconnect.......he was abusive, liar, blamed me , always....it was no use....so I just disconnected.....it was easier for me to just keep conversation at a minimum and "unhook" and he could say or think what he wanted......

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is a tip I ha e taken from others shares 1 lady said when her active a was going on she tuned out and began to count the panls in the fence as she looked out the window while washing the dishes, another said she sang nursery rhymes to block out the disease. It works 1 day my abc had to go to hospital he was in a mess and going on on and it was crazy I looked up and remembered the shares I began to count the ceiling tiles I blocked him out. Today I listen to what I want to an nothing else I can leave the room if the follow I can leave the building or sing a nursery rhythms ha ha hope this helps you as much as it did me change the things u can hugs Tracy xxx

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My kids helped me learn how to step back from listening to nonsense when they first started school. My son came home one day madder than a wet hen at some kid at school and then at me for not letting him fight in school without consequence at home. Supposedly, the boy had said, "Your Momma sleeps in pay toilets." It yanked my son's chain. I asked him, "Is it true that I sleep in pay toilets?" "No." "Then, why are you letting what this boy said upset you? It isn't true." "But.....he was talking about you, Mom." "No, he wasn't. He doesn't know me. If he knew me, he would know I don't sleep in pay toilets."

My x was abusive in many, many ways. Tearing at my character was one of the ways his disease could trip me up because I didn't know how to step back from it. In trying to guide my son, I realized I needed to ask myself the same thing when my "x" or anybody else said anything about me.
Is it true? If so, then I can work on that with the help of Al-Anon. If not, I have no power over what they think or say about me and therefore, its none of my business.

Letting others define us or throw mud at us and taking it all personally is a symptom of our being affected by alcoholism. Al-Anon helps us find ways to step back into ourselves for appreciation, approval and love and let go of letting another person's disease destroy us and our self-esteem at every turn.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.