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I'm getting married in March. We're doing it in Disney World. Mom hates to travel. She originally said she was okay with going anywhere we wanted; it's our family and choice. Last night, it changed - she didn't think she could come because of complications with her job and am I suuuure about Disney world?
I was up sobbing a lot of the night, and called in sick to work today. I called her later this afternoon to get some solidness to my understanding. It was all so fluid.
I asked her if she was coming and it seemed like she got annoyed. She was like, "you're my only child; "of course I'm going to your wedding. What choice do I have?" Like she's angry that she has to go out of her way to come.
"What choice do I have?" She's usually (don't wanna say always) the victim, powerless. She was a victim of her father, my father, my accident, her job, her uncle, her family. With this, she'll be another victim, and I"m the bad guy.
I want to point out to her that she's always acting the victim, that she has more power than she has ever attributed to herself. I was trying to do that today, and it wasn't coming out in a way she understood. She seemed angrier with me, annoyed I was making such a point about it, I think.
I don't think this is the last of it. I still think another shoe is gonna drop. How am I going to do seven months of this?
In a way, I wish she said she wasn't coming. I would be devastated and so hurt, but it would be done. Now its still going.
I have been through alot on my journey in Al-Anon..one of those things is having a mom that is "always the victim" and is just a martyr....
I learned that I would never be able to please her...today , I am ok with that...so if this were my situation, Plan A would be: I would love to have you at my wedding at
Disney mom! Plan B would be: I'm having MY wedding at Disney anyhow....it is then entirely up to her on what she chooses to do...it is not our job to give up ourselves
for others:) Congrats on your Big Day in March!! Prayers for Peace in your heart with this! TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
"God Mom...all the fun you're gonna miss by not being there". Being disappointed for today and letting it go isn't the same as being disapointed eveyday until March today. Some people get comfortable laying on the coals and scream in pain when you drag them over it. Love her..let her go. March will come later. Thanks so much for the lesson. ((((hugs)))) Keep coming back.
I get why you would be upset and angry. Mom mom used to drive me nuts - not with playing victim, but incessant worry and criticism. Once I just fully accepted that was HER and HER BAGGAGE for whatever reason. I didn't take her actions so personally. I found myself then having less arguments and drama with her just due from not reacting. I also stepped out of the role of being receptive to criticisms from her and that helped too.
It is really hard to QTIP when it's your mom but really - sounds like her issues. My concern is that you cry a whole night away and then continue obsessing and wanting a different mom than the one you have. Once you truly accept and acknowledge she's flawed the way she is - It could help you drop your expectations of her way down and then be less vulnerable to getting hurt and trying to get her to understand and change traits she doesn't want to recognize or believe she has.
I had one last whopping argument with my mom in which I was trying to tell her how her controlling and criticizing behaviors had messed me up and hurt me - She got frustrated, angry, then started crying...(which she rarely does - the crying thing) At that point, I realized how futile it was trying to change mom and it was just hurting me and her.
It helped that I moved 1000 miles a way too lol. My current partner loves her and thinks she's great. I'm like "Are we talking about the same woman?" Of course if he criticized her, I'd be ready to kill him cuz that's my mom right?
Do you know why your mom can push your buttons so easily? Because she installed them.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 23rd of August 2013 07:37:45 AM
When I am feeling very affecting by someone else's behavior, I try to get to more Alanon meetings. Even though it's your wedding and it may be hard to practice detaching with love from your mother, it's possible. YOUR wedding is not about her. Please don't let her shenanegans spoil your enjoyment of planning for your big day. You will need good boundaries during the planning process if she is included. Her behavior really mimics active alcoholism - attention seeking.
The tools of the program including my sponsor, the Serenity Prayer and checking my own behavior and motives are so important when new situations arise.
I bet if you give your mother even a small a role in the wedding planning, she'll be more enthusiastic about it all. Hold tight your boundaries though :) she sounds like a handful.
Congratulations! It sounds like you have a fantastic wedding planned. I would definitely be reading lots of readings on acceptance and gratitude to keep my serenity.
Hugs! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
My experience with my Mom was a push-pull type of relationship most especially in my 20s. On one hand I wanted to please her and live up to her expectations of me. On the other hand, I wanted to live my life as I saw fit. She spent the rest of her life trying to change me/raise me. Even from her death bed when I was 48 years old, was doing what I knew was mine to do, had done what I knew and needed to do to raise and support my kids, and was very healthy - she still felt the need to change me. I did want a much different relationship with her than we had, but as my daughter told me when she saw an interaction between my Mom and me during my Mom's last few months on earth: "Mom, you want a two-way relationship with Grandma. She just wants you to listen to her. She doesn't really care where you're coming from on anything. That won't change. If you want peace with her, you're going to have to accept that about her and let go of what you want with her because you're never going to get it." I knew the truth of my daughter's words and let go - even of wanting a two-way adult relationship with my Mom. I didn't get what I truly desired in relationship to Mom. I did get the peace that letting go of what I wanted with her brought me. It took me a long time to get there, but I did.
I also learned to let go of wanting my daughter to be different than she was sometimes, too. She and I have a growing adult relationship - maybe the one I wanted with my Mom is going to be a reality with my daughter? Of course, my daughter might have a different perspective on this. (Grin)
You received lots of good and helpful E/S/H here. I'm hopeful that you will be able to learn how to let your Mom be who she is and still enjoy being who you are each and every day of your life. Keep coming back and learning and growing with us.
Keep coming back.