The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought my "detachment" was working pretty well for a while there while AB was reacting to it and trying to get my attention. And then, he managed to push my buttons, I got angry and upset and suddenly- he's a calm and happy AB, aloof and rude and quite smug, accusing me of things like "hassling him constantly" and "screaming at him all the time" when I've barely spoken to him for weeks. And I've been feeling angry. Because how dare he be all smug and rude and think he has the upper hand? He's quite happy that he made me snap...oh dear. He threatened to leave and I got all scared and sad. I've been making with the sarcastic comments, jumping into the game. Feeling worse and worse every time I react.
So, I can see that internally, I'm still playing a game of sorts. Because I'm much less calm now, when he isn't noticing or worrying about my detachment...oops. Was I enjoying the fact that my detachment was worrying him? Yes, I think I was.
But that's OK. I see the mistake. I see the part I am still playing in the codependant/addict dance. And I'm not mad at myself, 'cause I can't expect myself to undo 37 years of crazy in a few short weeks. I'm not supposed to suddenly be perfect, I'm just supposed to make progress!
So back to step 1 for me, I think.
This is about me, not about punishing him. I don't even feel as though I like him anymore, yet I want him to feel sad and regretful that I am distancing myself from him? And I'm angry that he isn't seeming to feel that way right now? And do I really not like him anymore? Because I was pretty damn upset when he slept in another room and locked me out.
I won't get through this by deciding that I don't have feelings. It was nice to take a break from them but they're still there. So, time to start again. Once more-with feeling! lol.
We all snap sometimes ... and remember ALL the times you didnt snap- concentrate on those times! your still working on you.. he's not working on him .. just get back on track and forgive yourself .... Ive been there many times and my MIP family tells me be easy on yourself and forgive yourself and keep working on you !
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
You are doing great, just keep repeating, this is about me, not about him.
I can understand wanting to make him feel bad but it only feeds into the game. Whenever they see us react after they have pushed our buttons, they feel they are in control, big deal, they have control over this one little human for one moment. Its so dysfunctional, don't play into it.
This is all a process, it takes time, you can say anything you want Melly, just say it in a calm voice. It takes practice and you have come so far in a short period. Some days you just don't feel like practicing, but even if you have to be an actress, do it.
This is all about your growth and gaining strength and confidence, so your able to go to the next level in your life. You don't want to be doing this for the rest of your life with a man who is not doing anything for his own growth.
Melly, we really did post on the same topic at the same time! Great minds think alike!
But I DO think that it shows how committed to our recovery we are that we are both aware of all this and thinking about it! A pat on the back for both of us!!
I can relate to each and every word you typed! Thank you for sharing - it helps to know I'm not the only one fumbling my way through this and feeling these doubts.
Omg! I remember when I first became aware of that. The more hysterical I became the calmer he got until I was standing over him screaming like a lunatic while he looked concerned for my sanity. LOL!! Now you know and believe me it won't happen as often now that you do.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Omg! I remember when I first became aware of that. The more hysterical I became the calmer he got until I was standing over him screaming like a lunatic while he looked concerned for my sanity. LOL!! Now you know and believe me it won't happen as often now that you do.
hahaha I totally get that look you are talking about!! Veins popping out of my neck, spit coming from my mouth as I yell and my AH " Are you okay?"""
