My AH is getting out of Rehab today after about 20 days. He has participated wholeheartedly in groups, has participated in the outside AA meetings, and found a sponsor, he told me today that he is going to try to put as many obstacles between him and alcohol as he can. I moved out about 2 months ago...so he has a couple friends living in our house. (I have a hard time trusting his friends..but so far it seems like they are trying very very hard to help keep him sober and they are fixing up the house..painting, and pressure washing so they are not total losers) My point was that he has people living in the house so that he is not alone..which may lead to boredom..which generally leads to drink. (I often wonder if he "can't" live alone...if it is a codependency issue on his part - but that is a whole other can of worms). He is happy and terrified to leave rehab. And It breaks my heart that there isn't anything I can do for him. But I can't and I won't. It is his responsibility, and I refuse to put myself into that position. I already carried  enough. 

Like I said, I moved out. Found a fabulous furnished 1bed 1 bath roomy house. I found a fun part time job at a clothing store. I am getting back into church...I became a believer in college and quickly gave that up after falling madly in love with my husband. I have meetings with a priest every week for catechism to get baptized. I have found a loving and genuine community in that church, and they support me but let me alone. I can sit and cry during the service and I get winks and silent support when its over.  I talk to a couple of close friends every day. I passed a real estate class haha with a 93!. I read Codependency no more..and I AM codependent! (was in denial for a while) I am going to start going to CODA meetings too. I am in a peaceful place, I don't have to answer to anyone. But I love and miss my husband. There is just no getting around it. 

I saw a therapist yesterday...and unfortunately she dominated the conversation (even though interrupted her a few times), and she talked about the alcohol most of the time. DUH I have been to family day and I am not here to talk about HIM or Alcohol. I want to know what I need to do to get my head back on! I did at least get ONE valuable nugget of information. That is...that What I think LOGICALLY is not the same as what I FEEL. For example...He was awful to me..but I love him and want to go back. So I am NOT crazy for thinking that, it is normal these two things to contradict each other. After reading Melanie Beattie's book I have started to learn how to identify that icky feeling and take a pause and back it up a bit. For example...My husband a few weeks ago said to me that I shouldn't stay gone for long because he doesn't feel close to me and it is bad for my marriage. (talk about manipulation!). And honestly I am not even sure If I SAID it but I felt it - I decided that I am willing to take the consequences by staying away. *I* need to be away for a while, and if you stop loving me for that than so-be-it. He also said to me "be SWEET!" why are you so Serious." What? Really? What am I supposed to even say to a situation like that!...I told him..that I was serious because I took our conversations *seriously*. So I am learning...but its awfully frustrating and gut wrentching. 

My husband is much nicer, sweeter, caring now that he is sober. [ or is he? he is still manipulative and still has the bad habits of an addict and codependent ] But I am a mess of emotions when I talk to him. It is almost physical - these emotions are so strong. We have been married 13 years (since I was 24) and he has been a problem drinker since day 1, and an alcoholic for 10years. I don't even know how to relate to him as a "safe" place. He has never been a safe place for me. I thought he was, but now I realize I was wrong. I was in constant anxiety - worried I would displease him. even to the point that I would change the channel (incase he would make fun of the show i was watching) if I thought he would come in The bedroom..cause that's where I spent ALL of my time. 

I just got off the phone with his therapist..and I realize that he has a lot lot lot more work to do besides staying sober. and so do I. This is so flipping hard! I feel like I need to know HOW he is doing in his therapy and WHAT he is doing in his therapy (his progress). And I don't mean because I want to control it or guide it, but I want to know so that I can feel hopeful that we will get better.  To what degree do I "detach"...? Do I just cut that (his) part out of the picture? Hmm, I guess I just need to do more ME work...Work on the CoDep issues. ?and when I get stronger will it be easier to interact with him? 

I love you guys and your support! I know I can be my true self and not be afraid of you judging me for my feelings OR my run on sentences lol! Thank you!

GOD is watching out for me. I am quite a mess today, and I don't have one single thing that I HAVE to do today...and I am blessed to have the Family support meeting tonight at the rehab place as well as an Alanon meeting right afterwards. 

Hugs to all of you!