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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Lost all hope
Post Info TOPIC: Lost all hope
Debilyn


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Lost all hope
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If it were not for hp, our creator, and my son I would not be here.

I really put myself out there, gave my all. Learned to believe in someone, trust, depend. He was great, still is.

Never, ever thought this would happen, neither did he. He has to raise his grandkids. Parents are not coming back. Plus his own two almost grown sons are so emotionally messed up from their drunk addict mother. He has to stay for them. One almost killed himself, my guy stopped it thank God.

I would do the same thing. So it is completely over. The limbo is done, I am devistated, he is a mess. He feels so guilty, a fool for hurting me. is tortured by the fact we were best friends but he came onto me, and made me choose to open up, let walls down, trust and depend on him. Now he does what all men do, goes away. I made him promise he would never do that. I am so fragile since my first husband died, then second basically died from the brain surgery.

Now this. I thought I had a mate, I shared everything. let it all out.But the stupid addicts in the family left a mess of children for the only non addict in the family to raise and help. And I am throw away.

I came back home from the cabin and made my life believing we were going to share ours. Adopted some rescues, kept things so I could move to La. Now alone again, naturally, and in love with someone who is no one anymore for me.

I am venting. It's ok. I don't need to hear it will get better, there are lotsa other guys around. i have had too much experience in my life. I went eighteen years alone after first husband died, now eleven after i lost second husband. My ex guy had to work hard to get me to believe in him. treated me perfectly. He is a gentleman, such a good man. Neither of us ever considered this would tear us apart. But it has, thank you disease of addiction.

Sometimes people just cannot hang in there anymore, sometimes they cannot heal anymore. this is the truth. I hit a point where I have nothing i want or want to do, or want to see. We are not meant to be alone, or never touched. that was not the plan.

I have been waiting on some money. I won't say from what. I know if I got it, I would give some away, and do my best to figure out a way to make a way for me to help others.

I know giving is the only way out of this. I think about making this one nice room into a counseling office. But I don't know if I can come back from this one. Not sure I care enough to. Same old thing.

I have a friend who said on my fb. well I know you will be ok, you always are, and I responded and this is why I suffer from lonliness. she never, ever calls. never. none of them do. i am the one who's husband died. they all still have each other. I have been embarrassed of my life forever. now I am even moreso as I was stupid to believe someone was going to love me, be with me, and promised to never throw me away.What made me think that? It has never happened. they all die, turn into a monster, throw me away.

People say here you want to die, and there are so many who want to live. well if I could give my spark of life to someone I would. I just want to be with ed. wake up to our new earth the way it was suppose to be.  the struggle here in this world is hard enough on families, to be one alone in it for so many years, to believing in a wonderful change from hp, to basically being  cut thru my heart....guess I just have to exist for hp and my son.



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PP


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I hear you Debilyn and I am sorry.  We are here and listening. (((hugs)))



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Paula
Sweet Stanley


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((((Debilyn))))  I am so sorry for your pain. Sometimes life just isn't fair. I love reading your posts and sharing in your life via the internet.... I wish I was there to give you a hug in person.



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Sweet Stanley
Pushka


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Hugs deb, .. sending love and prayers your way. You are a very special person to so many. Hang in there. Hugs p

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


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You are such a light in the dark to me so many times and I have learned to love you and even your animals through your eyes! You have many gifts to share and although you are in the heat of it right now, know that so many here and other places love you and are rooting for you. You are a gift and worthy of so much, don't forget who your are and what you are made of, you have made such a great purpose in this life with your love for people and animals. Sending you prayers, love and support always!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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grateful2be


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Debilyn: You've been through so much in your lifetime. I admire your plunk. I learn from your wisdom. I have felt like you've been the shade of an oak tree for me when I've felt burned by the love for my son. I notice - through all the painful for you share that you've offered to us here - that you'd like to help others if you had money. In spite of what you've been through - even this - you still want to be of service in some way to others.
This truth about you and your HP is beautiful to me.

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stephaniej


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Debilyn....((HUGS)). If I had your number, I would call. I would text. If I lived near you, I would be in my car right now, driving to give you a hug and cook you some dinner and hang out with you and your animals.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right...it is NOT fair, and that sucks.

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neshema2


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((((Debilyn)))))    HUGS and support to you....I know how U feel.....life sucks and isn't fair, I guess we have to make our own fairness by taking care of us

Yea, being alone isn't natural, we females are "hard wired" to be matched up w/someone, but sometimes it just does not happen.....I have accepted that I wll be alone b/c I won't be with anyone that is not healthy..and at my age???  Yea, right!!!...your situation made me sad to read it....I am soo soo sorry this happend to you.....I don't even know what ESH I can give to you...being thrown away has happened to me as well...I just figure what is REALLY mine, will not leave.....doesn't help the pain tho, hey????

Your posts reflect such a loving soul...I hope U draw someone in your life who hangs in there for the long haul........Peace, my dear lady  



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yanksfan51


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Debilyn:

I hope you are feeling the hugs and support coming to you from this MIP community.  Know that your strength and beauty has come through to all of us here and we are with you.

((((((((Debilyn))))))))

 

YF



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rehprof


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You have offered me such valuable perspective...I thank you for that. I think you are one of those natural healer types...it really comes through in your posts...

I suspect there have been many people who "lurk" as guests on this board who have benefited from your wisdom too...

whatever happens, you are valued here.

RP

 



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Highlyfavored


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Hugs!!  I know it get hard sometime, but you know God promised never to leave you or forsake you, this too, shall pass.  We care about you here and feel your pain.  Hugs again!!

Gettingitright!!



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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time.  And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers

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Melly1248


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Hugz from here too Debilyn.

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bud


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(((((Big Hug)))))

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain! Sending warm, prayers for your strength an wisdom and to feel the love from your Alanon family.

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John


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Dear Debilyn,

I can so relate to your pain at this time.  I am so sorry that you are having to experience it at all.  I went through a absolutely terrible heart break after 3 years of marriage.  Now it is almost 3 years later and the wound is still there, it just doesn't sting as intensely.  My heart no longer feels like its been pulled out, thrown on the floor and stumped on.  I didn't think that day was ever going to come, the internal pain was so bad.  I wish I could say some magic words that would make you feel better, even if only for a moment.

Forever... til the end of time.... infinity.  That is what love is suppose to inspire in our hearts and spirit.  Then a life change takes place, sometimes suddenly without warning... and we feel left, abandoned, kicked to the curb, crushed.   Scared to ever open my heart up to another woman.  But as a little time went by, I came to understand that I am a person with a great capacity to love, deeply and fully.  That an inability to be intimate on an emotional level was not one of my shortcomings or character defects.  It was one of my best qualities.  I also came to realize that I truly am a domesticated kind of man.  I don't want to grow old, live alone and die alone.  I want someone to share life with.  To go to bed with, to wake up with, to come home to, to enjoy recreational things, to take on projects together....

So, here I am... three years later... open to the possibilities that love will inspire my heart and spirit again, and I am willing to let it when it materializes. I didn't think I would ever say these words.. not so long ago.

I am giving you a safe, warm hug.  I know it hurts like hell.

John 

 



-- Edited by John on Thursday 22nd of August 2013 10:04:57 PM

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slogan_jim


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Debilyn, I feel you. Humans are not meant to be alone and we aren't meant to not be touched. I am going through a bit of a dryspell in my life and know how you feel. You are right that there are a million men out there. Think of these poor kids? All they have is their grandpa. I know what it's like to not have parents to count on. They need him more than you do. You're allowed to be upset but this is where God needs him to be. This is where God needs you to be. Answers will come in time.

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Cathyinaz


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(((( BIG BIG HUG ))))

I'm so sorry....I wish I could take your hurt away but I can't. I will pray you find some happiness with someone someday.



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pinkchip


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Deb...tis better to have loved and lost...it truly is. I am glad you cared about another person and let them in. I know how you feel. It's a giant let down but there is much love laughter and life left for you. I know it.

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wornoutmrsfixit


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Thinking about you. We can't see the future. Who knows how this will all turn out but the pain will get better and we you and are here 24/7.

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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
cwya


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Debilyn-I dont really know you since I've not been online much but my heart goes out to you in your immense grief. It is strange that today my ongoing grief was my focus. I know only too well that devastation when someone I have loved, trusted, shared my spirit with, is taken from me. No we are not built to be solitary. WE are pack animals and just dont feel ok when there is no one to share ourselves with. I have lost everyone I've ever loved and will never be done with the grief but with the help of my Alanon friends and a daily program that teaches me to still strive to love others and give of myself, I have survived almost total solitude for many, many years. Nothing hurts more than to feel we dont matter to anyone. But we do matter and no one else needs to love me for me to be loveable, to be a child of God worth of respect and compassion, worthy of a miracle happening, without need of explanation, in my mind, soul, body and life. Rest in the arms of your Higher Power and know there are always people here who care.

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Jerry F


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Debber from my own experience I know that I have never been loved so much and ask much than HP.  You know that you have never been alone.  You also know about expectations are future resentments...it comes out that way either because someone else doesn't fulfill our expectations or because our expectations were not realistic.   We have never been alone.  HP abides even when we deny HP or blame HP for the sorrows which drag on our emotions.   I remember commiserating about the lost of my Alcoholic/Addict wife one night in my home group and some one gave me a winner of a poem.   "If you love something let it go...If it never comes back it wasn't meant to be...If it does come back...love it forever".   To this day that is one of the large balance weights regarding my relationships and it unlearned me from clutching so tightly that I would follow a loss into hell just to have it with me.  I changed Higher Powers...there is no human being in my life today great enough to be a higher power...I cannot compete with God and no one else is one.  Another gift I got was the lesson about true relationships which was about a man separated from his wife because of marriage troubles and his longing to return home.  His wife described the relationship to him from within her own understanding and told him,  I love you and like having you here...and I don't need you.  He was free to go home or?   Can you imagine a relationship with those conditions?  I can because that is my wife and my relationship today.  Whenever she disappears...I live my life because I know how to and have learned how to and there are many people in my life that I can ask for help at anyone time without "needing a special one" and I know that I participate with all of them in their lives.  My wife is my love and special...so special.  She is here because of her choice and not so much mine.  Her earliest and longest complaint was "you haven't asked me to marry you"  LOL...I told her it was her choice to come, to stay, to leave...She has made the choice to do that and none of the coming, staying or leaving has been because there was something wrong or deficient in our relationship...We do those things because we can or want to alone or with each other and not always.  She is my only wife and the most influential woman in my life...she is not my sponsor...she is not my Higher Power.  Hope for us is a rational behavior...we cannot give what we do not have.  It's important to you to have a special male in your life...that seems apparent...maybe your HP is male?   Thanks for all of the love and care and compassion you have offered me in the past.  (((((hugs))))) smile



-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 23rd of August 2013 07:06:20 PM

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