I had a phone conversation last night with my AH, who is working 900 miles away.  I made some very brief, neutral, non-inflammatory statements that related back to a horrible, awful fight we had on the phone the night before.  I was very proud of myself for the way I stated my boundaries (I do not always actively state them...usually I just establish and enforce them myself without fanfare), and refused to be baited.  That pride led me to think about how, even though I get frustrated with myself that I regress and make mistakes and still torture myself with co-dependency, in the nearly 3 years since I found Al Anon in general and MIP in particular, I have come a loooong way.  So in that spirit, let's share how we've grown, and how our growth shows itself in our victories, large and small.

 

1.  The set up:  "You have ruined the lives of your daughters, and now you are ruining our son's life too!"

Before Al Anon:  "How dare you have the nerve to criticize me!  What kind of an example do you set?  I work full time and do 90% of the housework!  I have not slept in in 3 years!  Not on my birthday!  Not on Mother's Day!  Who do you think keeps this whole family together and running smoothly?!?"  Followed by hysterical crying, slamming doors, mutual name-calling, etc.

Today: I just hang up the phone, or walk away.  

2.  The set up:  There is my AH's cell phone, sitting tantalizingly on the counter plugged into the charger.

Before Al Anon:  I go through every text message and every item in the call history, writing down unfamiliar numbers, googling them, calling them (but not without blocking my number first) to see who answers.  I feel physically sick every time.  My heart races and my stomach does flip flops.  If I find nothing, I am angry at myself for being suspicious.  If I find something, I feel vindicated that I will now be able to "prove" to my AH that I am "right."

Today:  Although this has been a long struggle for me, today I just walk right on by that phone.  Same with the urge to check his bank account info online, his credit card statement online, his email, etc.  This is one of the hardest things for me, and it makes me think, sometimes, about a recovering A friend I had many years ago who described that even after 15 years of sobriety he STILL couldn't walk through the liquor aisle without his mouth watering.  Fortunately, even though I still have the temptation to snoop, I am usually able to remember how bad snooping has been for my own emotional health.

3.  The set up:  A holiday is approaching--a holiday that generally requires husband and wife to exchange cards and/or gifts.

Before Al Anon:  I spend hours...HOURS...agonizing over the best possible gift, looking at dozens of different cards searching for just the right sentiment.  I spend more money than I can afford.  I write long, drippy, emotional messages in the cards, all because I think if I can say just the right thing and demonstrate my love in just the right way, he will behave the way I want him to behave and things will go back to being the way they were before he relapsed.  Of course, I also want to be able to say, during a future fight, that I put all that time/energy/money into his card and gift, while I received something substandard/not heartfelt/whatever.

Today:  I go to the dollar store and card I like best after looking for 10 minutes.  I write something nice, but DO NOT SHED TEARS while writing it, and just say what I'm feeling at the moment instead of trying to dig back 4-5 years to when things were good for something "meaningful" to say.  If I can afford it, I also pick up a $25 gift card, or a book or magazine subscription.  But only if I can afford it.  And I don't waste one moment feeling guilty if I can't.

 

How is your life, and your behaviors, better with Al Anon?

Wow stephaniej such a great share and topic! I was a hot mess and thought I had all the answers for everyone's life, except my life was in shambles. I would constantly complain to all my friends, but never take their advice. I was obsessed with my AH and couldn't focus on myself because I was just an extension of him in my mind. I was judgmental and thrived on others drama. I held in everything with my A's then got very resentful and eventually exploded. I was merely surviving from day to day and was very sick growing up in the disease and marrying into it.

I learned with my recovery program I got out of it what I put into it, hence It works when you work it slogan. My perspective has changed from a victim to survivor. Life is good, hard, but good. After a few years in this program I am a full time student heading towards a good career I always wanted. I am a much calmer Mom and having fun with my two kids. I no longer live in the past or blame my parents. I know they did the best they could everyday. I know my exAH did the best he could and I learned lots from them all. I am a very grateful member of al-anon!