The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Many of us justify our actions by telling ourselves that we're good people who love others, care about them, and do what we do for their own good. When we first hear about detachment, we might think it requires us to stop loving and stop caring. But detachment with love doesn't mean that we cease to care about another person. It doesn't even mean that we care about ourselves more than another person. It simply means that we let go of our attempts to change what is beyond our power to change. There is great love in accepting ourselves for who we are. There is also great love in accepting the alcoholic as a person trapped in an overpowering illness. Trying to change what we can't control is like banging our head against a wall. It's painful, but it doesn't improve the situation. It doesn't really show that we care. It just shows that we're not behaving rationally anymore. It serves no purpose, and only gives us pain without any possible positive result. We somehow imagine that banging our head against the wall will lead us to a solution, and that it demonstrates how much we love the wall. We have yet to accept Step One." (Discovering Choices (CAL) pg. 149-150)
"Learning to detach from other people with love allows us to place a healthy emotional distance between ourselves and our loved ones without abandoning them. In the simplest terms, it means we find out where we leave off and others begin. It may come as a surprise to discover we are not responsible and thus need not be embarrassed because of someone else's behavior." (From Survival to Recovery, CAL. pg 143)
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For me, Detaching with love does not impede my ability to be present and available to others, but instead allows me to be present and available in healthier ways, utilizing better methods that work. It also allows me to take a step back and refocus on my recovery and practice self care. Being present and available to any one 24/7 only encouraged my enabling actions and behaviors, and created chaos and resentment towards those I love. Detaching with love allows me to be more effective in my life and in the lives of others, without smothering either of us with actions designed to control and manipulate situations, people, circumstances or events. It allows me to separate myself so that I'm not glued hip to hip with another person that is drowning in the disease of alcoholism, allowing myself to be taken down with them. I can detach with love by simply calling my sponsor and talking for a few minutes, reading some Al-Anon literature, taking a few minutes to take care of a small chore or responsibility that I have put off for too long, or simply going for a walk to the stop sign just down the road and reading it. "Stop". A very powerful word, when I am too glued to someone else's crisis, drama, or problems. It allows me to be me, and the other person to be them, and thus moves me to a healthier place of acceptance.
Hope you enjoyed reading this.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Yes, I really enjoyed that share, John. When i was a kid I really wanted to join things. {and I did once join the local brass band.]
But as i got older I got more and more isolated. Its great now to have joined something I can give my heart and soul to.
Long ago people were saying 'its a selfish programme'. I could understand why, but I did not go with that, [Being a smart-arse again...]
So I decided that I didn't want to be self-centred, but centred on self.
I held onto that goal and that dream. I guess at the time my hopes and dreams were more important than getting things exactly right.
So self becomes a balance, in my mind between going and getting. I started giving at a young age because I felt I had to. Then I found it hard to let others in.
nice post, John, and yep...my sweet A brothers were and still are my lesson in this...used to be awful challenges for me, but now I have my peace about detachment re: them.....One of them was behind in his rent...facing the auctioning off of his stuff...his expensive tools....needing some $$$....I have a bit of savings..not much, but some....he does not know that...I didn't volunteer b/c I had no intentions of doing HIS clean up job on his life....I love him, don't want to lose him or the other younger brother, but I "get out of the way" when they have to face the karma for their deeds...I can love them, cheer them on, listen w/empathy, give loving ESH to them, but I get out of the way when it comes to clean up of their messes....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
From the CAL pamphlet "detachment is neither kind nor unkind" which tells me Love is NOT a requirement for detachment. (We all know love IS kind)
Detachment is merely the separating of emotions from situations so they may be accurately assessed and decisions can be made based on the data available to us at the time.
The military, law enforcement, medical, legal and other high stress professions employ the skill of detachment on a daily basis (some even teach classes on techniques) in order to assess information and make decisions for themselves and others that benefit the whole even in the face of discomfort for a few.
The heart's job is to pump blood to the brain so that it may do it's job which is to discern, ascertain and decide. The brain will consider the condition of the heart, but the heart rarely consults the brain which is why it often ends up broken
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IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
Loved this share. Thank you, John. Detachment is a very powerful tool in my Al-Anon tool box. It has taken me a while to understand how this tool works, but HEY...
It works when you work it!!
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Thank you for bringing this share up to the top - it is so useful to read it, especially now.
I like the feeling that I get when I can accept someone as they are and not feel the need to change them. I like the feeling that I get when I can be myself and not feel a need to change because of someone else has a point of view that I am uncomfortable with.
I got a mini picture of what detach looked like for me this weekend. As many of you know we have had a new guest in our home, a large marmaduke sort of dog who has claimed one of our love seats as his....when there is something he deems interesting, he pops up and sits still with his ears perked ready to jump down in a nano second. We have two cats that, after 4 months, are beginning to venture out to let me know they are hungry, from the back of the house, making themselves visible to the dog who knows he cannot chase them or the big people will yell. So, the other morning, the cats got brave and wakened the sleeping giant. I looked over at him and could feel him so wanting to engage in a little action, yet, not wanting to risk the wrath of the big people. He knew to let the cats do what they do. Later that day I had the same sort of experience with a loved one....the old voices were saying "go get nosy", yet, like the dog I just watched.
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