The material presented
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Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and have been talking a lot about marriage recently. Although I am very excited about our future together, I'm very concerned about his mother, her addictions, and her affect on our relationship. She drank throughout my boyfriend's first 20 years of life and we think has also been addicted to pills. For the past 10 years she has been sober and went to AA meetings. Recently, she has been drinking again because she has had many stresses financially and emotionally with her family. She also is on cholesterol medication as well as antidepressants and sleeping pills.
To be honest, there is always something in her life that is stressing her out whether that be at her job, her family, money, relationships with others etc., that I'm starting to think that she has a mental illness as well b/c she is so combative, aggressive, and in the end lonely b/c she has shut most people out of her life out of her uncontrollable anger issues.
The past two times we have been over her house, she has been plastered and eventually blacked out on her couch. When that happens, we leave being very uncomfortable and sneak out the door. She then will leave her son a message with a very weird apology blaming things on her stresses w/o ever saying that she is drinking again. She has a husband who says that she is going to AA, but we really don't know for sure b/c he doesn't live with her. He showed us 3-4 empty wine bottles in her cabinet, so there is proof of what she is doing along with us literally witnessing her drunken self.
Now, it is very uncomfortable for me to one witness her like that and two, see her again and pretend that everything is fine. Neither my boyfriend or his step-dad is actively talking about it with her, but tip toeing around it b/c they are afraid that she might drink more if they confront her, or that she might have a tantrum. I want to add that she is presently going to a psychiatrist, but we are certain that she is only talking about stress from work in her sessions. My boyfriend has suggested they go to therapy together, but she presented a long laundry list of things she had to do and is avoiding it.
Witnessing her behavior as an addict is very new and I must admit, scary for me. What is going to happen once I marry her son? I'm most concerned about her health, especially since she is taking so many other drugs. She is also 60 years old with financial problems and expects her son to bail her out time and time again.
I've prompted my boyfriend to have an intervention with her, but I really don't know if he would do that. What can we do in this situation?
-- Edited by brendastarr on Tuesday 20th of August 2013 03:49:49 PM
We are always looking for a quick or magical solution, but in most cases, the honest answer is that it takes time, education, and a commitment to YOUR recovery in all this. I would encourage you and your b/f to start going to Al-Anon meetings, and reading/learning up on what alcoholism is all about. A wonderful book to start with is entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
I have never been a big fan of them, but interventions are for trained professionals, and I would highly discourage you two, as relative 'newbies', to take on such a task at this time.
Just my two cents
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with Canadianguy here about getting to al-anon face to face meetings to help you both gain tools to better help you deal with your A. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was one of the best books I could have read in my early recovery. Please read all things al-anon and make it to the meetings and it will greatly improve your perspective. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
We are always looking for a quick or magical solution, but in most cases, the honest answer is that it takes time, education, and a commitment to YOUR recovery in all this. I would encourage you and your b/f to start going to Al-Anon meetings, and reading/learning up on what alcoholism is all about. A wonderful book to start with is entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
I have never been a big fan of them, but interventions are for trained professionals, and I would highly discourage you two, as relative 'newbies', to take on such a task at this time.
Just my two cents
Tom
I absolutely agree with Tom...You two need to focus on your programs...you on yours...his on his...and detach detach detach from MIL...Nobody can save her but her...Sad but true...I would just "cut her loose" to face the consequences of her using and drinking and MAYBE if everyone gets out of the way, she will hit her bottom and ask for help...its her life and her choice...You two need to focus on your alanon meets and literature, and also working the steps, get sponsors to guide you...go to meetings....keep the focus on you and your b.f. needs to focus on him....however that is not within your power either....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP. Lots of good wisdom previously shared with you. I just want to encourage you to keep coming back to MIP while you also attend Al-Anon meetings for friends and family members who are bothered by a loved one's drinking. The program is for you and you will find help.
