The material presented
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Hi. We don't give advice. We do share our experience. If it were me and I didn't trust my A to care for our child while I was at work, I'd trust my gut. It doesn't matter if he says he isn't drinking or he is drinking as much as it matters you do not trust him right now to care for the child. As a Mom, I would honor that intuitive sense over my AH's anger or disappointment. Maybe others would do it differently. Not me. I'd also keep on going to Al-Anon for my sake and for my child's sake. If your AH is suffering from liver disease, it appears he might have been drinking for a long time? He isn't going to be able to cure or control this disease that neither of you have caused and you aren't going to be able to control or cure it either. All we can do as Al-Anon people is get the help we need to deal with this baffling, cunning and powerful disease over which we don't have control. Best of care and support to you. It will take your husband time to recover if he works AA in earnest. Right now, it sounds like he's just getting his feet wet in the program? IF he's getting his feet wet in the program. Nobody knows for sure except him in my experience with my As.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 20th of August 2013 11:26:21 AM
I found out my husband was an alcoholic while I was pregnant and now we have an 8 month old son. My husband put himself through detox and has gone back and forth from sobriety to drinking since then. In March he put himself in the hospital and his liver isn't doing too well. Since his last breakdown he has agreed he needs help and I believe he is going to AA meetings and counseling. I found out he has told many lies, all to make me feel like he was doing fine so trust is out the window right now. I do not feel comfortable leaving my husband and son alone so while I am out working, I hire a nanny to watch our son. This does make my husband angry but he understands. I know through alanon meetings that I am not supposed to look for alcohol however I feel like I need to know if he is drinking or not. When he does drink it's always hidden and not very obvious - he is a functional alcoholic I guess you would say. But I feel like I need to know if the habit is controlled or not to make decisions for my sons and my future. Should I just leave him alone and see what happens?
I can only ditto what grate2be has said. Follow your gut. It either feels right or it doesn't. If not, keep the nanny, if so, give your AH a chance. If you don't give someone trust at some level, they can never get the opportunity to show their worthiness of it, or lack there of.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
It is ok not to trust him until you are comfortable you can trust him, and I know from experience, it is hard to know when it is ok to trust. He has behaved in ways that have told you he is not trustworthy and, he may never be trustworthy. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this, yet here you are having to clean up his messes. And you have to make choices that put the safety of your child above the needs of you or your husband. Since you are asking, I am going to stick my neck out and say you KNOW your son is not safe in your husband's care. Keep him safe, his life is way to precious to be part of a guessing game.
he is a functional alcoholic I guess you would say. But I feel like I need to know if the habit is controlled or not to make decisions for my sons and my future. Should I just leave him alone and see what happens?
I learned that there is no such thing as a "Functional" alcoholic...an alcoholic not in recovery, actively drinking has only one way to go if they don't reach out to AA...that is a worsening life, job loss, health loss....things can only go from bad to worse and he will die if it is not arrested NOW...as to "controlled" that too is a fantasy we all want to believe...they CANT control it...it will get him in the end...alcoholism is a progressive condition that ends in death if he does not reach out to AA for help.....I wold detach and "cut him loose" in my head, emotions, et al and focus on MY program, MY health, MY sanity and you need to do this for your children....they need one parent above ground and sane....Hate to put it this way, but untreated, he has his own death staring down at him..Its only a matter of time, if he goes untreated
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Also, alanon never says "go or stay" re: being with him, that is something You will need to follow your instincts on....If it were my babies and their safety, I would keep the nanny...I remember my A mother setting the kitchen on fire b/c of her drinking...My baby brothers could have died, had it not been for me there at the house to put out the fire...I grabbed the dish sprayer on the sink and it was powerful enough to put the fire out....She could have wiped out my little brothers...I was a teenager at the time, but I always had a cool head in crisis....I was used to crisis so yea, experiencing drunks taught me how to follow my instincts and take care of me...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Now trust is lost even more, my husband starting drinking again yesterday and I also found out he isn't even registered for school which starts next week. He only has 1 year left and has lost all motivation to do anything. I feel like my supporting him and letting him sit around here is hurting him even more. I am very tempted to ask him to leave with the option to come back in the future once he pulls his life together.
Lvcluny: How is your supporting him while he sits around hurting you? I really couldn't make changes I needed to make for myself until I started putting my focus on how I was thinking, feeling and what I was doing that hurt me. When I did that, my life improved and I could see better what I needed to do to free myself from behaviors I was employing that weren't in my best interest. I learned that it didn't really matter what he was doing or not doing as much as it mattered what I was doing to complicate my own life and to take on burdens (my husband's issues) that weren't mine to carry. I'm glad you're here, L. Please keep coming back and going to Al-Anon meetings. You're on your way to making your life more secure and less burdensome.
I am working so hard to pay for all of our bills and take care of our son. And he is not contributing and spending the money I am earning on alcohol. It's really hard to keep on sitting back and watching it happen.
That sure wouldn't feel good to me at all. We learn in Al-Anon - first: awareness second: acceptance third: action
Lots of support for you as you grow through each step towards change for you. Hope you can get to Al Anon meetings. Considering you have a job and a baby you want to care for - you can also go to on-line meetings here between face to face meetings for you, too. The more Al-Anon recovery work and support you get, the more options you will see that you have and the better choices you can make for yourself and the child. Keep coming back. Much support and understanding, too. I've been there.
My husband is now in inpatient rehab for the first time, scared as could be. I think this is a positive step towards his recovery yet one of the hardest things we have had to do. Thank you for all of your help!
