The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not been on here in awhile. I posted last that I had broken up with my boyfriend a month ago, and only saw him 2x for aa meetings to accompany him. Two weeks ago he got black out drunk at a girl's apartment we have had major trust issues with in the past, and he actually scared her in his blackout and then ran home at 3 am and screamed at me on the phone while I was across the country at a meditation retreat. lol. I had asked where he was that night casually. I am laughing because it is just crazy!! He shouldn't be at her house if he wants me back and is that desperate to fix this. But hey, when you are fighting alcoholism you lie and cant control ANY aspect of your life.
I guess it was expected. It hurt me so much though that I just told him at this point --he lost me completely and never to call me again, and I screamed a few ugly things that I would never say to anyone. I actually never felt guilty for it and realized he knew how much he hurt me, and I knew my anger and pain were warranted. I called his parents for the first time in 3 years, to tell them that he has a problem, admitted to suicidal thoughts last week, and is now scaring people when he blacks out. They already knew and were figuring that's why we broke up even though they live 3,000 miles away.
My heart was broken from the girl issue more than the blackout, and I needed to just ache and be alone with it all. I came home to my parents, and have been here for a while.. whew. laying in bed, healing, sleeping, just reflecting and knowing that I truly have to let him go because I hit my limit with wondering if he will cheat on me and if he will kill himself one night from getting hit by a car or just over drinking.. Although that day he defended that she is just a friend that he slept with ten years ago and it was just a silly blackout.. over time of me not answering his calls his arrogance has died down into sheer desperation this week ..calling me 7x a night, begging me to answer. I am not angry, I am just truly mourning the loss of him, and realize that he is sick and nothing he has to say is important anymore unless it's, "I am going to rehab, can you drive me there." I realized we are through because I am unable to live like we were before, and my life is more peaceful now even though I am sad. This is the first time he has lost me and I am not just "detaching as a girlfriend." So he is panicking. I was so angry when he did this, I thought I could make it an eternity. But when I see him hurting for me like this, My heart is aching for him tonight, and no matter how much they hurt us, in the end we love them unconditionally and we never derive pleasure from having to do tough love. It is tough on US TOO. : (
Tonight I was trying to talk to my dad on the phone and he kept calling me and I just had panic that he would hurt himself. I am trying to remind myself that every time I feel the need to save him from the pain he is feeling, or the consequences of his drinking on us, then within a week he is back at treating me horrible and all the while killing himself with a smile. So I am trying to stay strong, I miss and love him so much and am really allowing God to come into my life and bring me into a peaceful, stable, place where I do it one day at a time. Forming a life for myself, and pray for him to reach to AA for help in his pain and desperation right now instead of me :( I do realize he may or may not get sober from the pain of losing me ... but either way I win if I can just stay strong and move forward with this. just wanted to share. I am really down.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 19th of August 2013 12:44:22 AM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 19th of August 2013 12:52:11 AM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 19th of August 2013 12:55:15 AM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
My X A had an off again on again affair with a woman, I didnt know about it, until she got pregnant and had twins. Because she threatened him with it . She said she was going to tell me.
Well, the A sat me down and told me. I was in shock, I knew that he possibly could have been having affairs. I'm not that naive. But children, and two....he was a busy boy. After 25 years of marriage. I didnt throw him out right away and when we did split up, it wasnt because of the other woman or the children. We never had kids because he didnt want to bring alcoholics into the world. That was how he felt in his sober moments. He was barely functioning sexually and I found out, as I found the bag of viagra myself in his truck and dumped out all the little blue pills, it was hysterical to watch as I dumped the bag on the ground.
At that time he was suppose to be going to AA meetings, he would come home from AA meetings so stinking drunk. I couldnt figure it out. He was also having black outs, he never knew where he was and where he was going. One nite the police found him passed out in the middle of a busy hi way, the police beat him up and they broke a few ribs and sent him to the hospital. He was suppose to be looking for an apartment to move into.
Anyway, we still stayed together for two more years after that, he didnt want anything to do with her or the kids, he just would send money every month. I insisted on a DNA test, it said they were his. He had told her to get rid of them over the phone when she told him she was pregnant, He never saw her during that time, and then she showed up at his work and said, there yours.
It wasnt the woman that broke us up, it was that he got a DUI that cost 30 thousand dollars, had mandatory AA and still continued to drink. I saw my future at that time.
What I'm trying to say is to try and not be broken apart by another woman, the disease of Alcohol is much bigger than that. Booze is their lover and preferred poison, its not about the other woman. I'm not trying to talk you into feeling sympathy for the A or tryng to make you go easy on him. This is about you.
You have made your decision and I hope you stick with it. As long as he is drinking there will always be chaos in your life. My X A passed away last month, all his organs shut down and he died of liver failure. When I say Booze is their lover, believe me. She was a real Beast. This disease is bigger than you can imagine.
Thats why we need to be armed with the tools of Alanon and our HP. I'm wishing you strength and hope and wisdom as you journey your path of recovery. Keep coming back Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 19th of August 2013 12:56:17 AM
Thank you for sharing that story. I'm sorry to hear that and it must have been devastating to deal with. I realize no one has him. Just the bottle. In the end I am so scared for his life which is why I just walked away, and the issue with the other woman was the last push to just make me cut the cord completely. I needed peace in my mind, and if he is not in my life I don't have that vulnerability. So I did what worked for me. But as I am finding out, I am a bit scared he will commit suicide before he dies of drinking. The chaos has died down so much, and I like this quiet time. I don't know, it is really nice and I missed it the last 3 years.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
It sounds like you are taking care of you and letting him have the chance to take care of himself. You sound strong and like you are working a great program. I am sorry you are hurting and in the thick of it, keep your head up and keep making the next right decision for your health. Sending you lots of love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I know calling parents is a very controversial thing, but that was a personal decision on my part that I knew at the time was the right thing to do. I have not regretted it and it lifted a huge burden off me. This process comes in steps, and when we come to the next one , we know what it is. The best advice my counselor ever gave me was: don't make pronouncements of what you " will have to do". Just take it a day at a time, and the healing and moving on comes in layers, like an onion. These layers, tiny steps, are each instrumental in propelling us forward. I now understand what she means. I could not be where I am today if I had not gone to those two meetings with him, and called his parents. I did what I could and that brought me peace to move forward. And I have to remind myself that it is normal to feel this sadness and sorrow for someone as you let go. This disease forces us to let go of people we are still in love with, family members we love, friends we adore, Just because of the disease and so in their desperation for us, our love for them is still there and it hurts to go through this and cut them off. Like she told me, " we are humans. Not faucets..And we must do our best, one day at a time, rid ourself of any guilt, and know that this is not going to happen over night and every step we take that helps us, helps them. If its good for you, its good for the alcoholic." I know that this is truly what is best for the both of us right now, and I have prayed to my Higher Power every step of the way and felt guided. Thank God for people though, because reading this really helps. I have made great friends in al-anon and am so grateful for this program and board!
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Monday 19th of August 2013 11:32:51 AM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I applaud your effort to disengage yourself from a relationship that helped get you here but is no longer healthy for you - or for him. It's not easy to do this. It takes courage to do this. It takes willingness to stand the emotional turmoil and not give in to returning to what was. It takes faith to believe that you are going to be just fine without him. Much support for you as you live your life for you and not for him.
(((giraffe13))) i am standing on the exact same spot where you are standing right now. you're explaining and describing this so well...great awareness!
Thank you, for sharing your strength. I wish I had more of it.
in support
(((G13))) Relationships are messy. They aren't sterile. They aren't linear. There is no one size fits all program member. I am really glad to see that you are doing what you discern is best for you at this time with prayer and your HP's guidance. Only HP knows what is best in your situation and from what I've read, you're trying very hard to listen.
Keep on keeping on through all this as you are doing, one day at a time. Keep coming back. It is working as you work it. I'm glad you're on this board, too.
Breaking up is tough...Even a bad relationship, to end it is tough...feelings and time and efforts, maybe financial stuff was invested in it...not to mention the hard lesson that came with that relationship, but the fact is that you SEE...you accepted....you took care of you....you did the best thing for you and by you...
I applaud that courage and also I applaud admitting that something hurts...to admit it is to accept and to accept will give forth, the grieving and the peace over the "good bye"......I always work through my feelings now....I never stuff them, deny them or sabotage them or demean them....my feelings and emotions are mine and MY right to feel as long as I am not harming another creature.....
Hang in there and keep coming back.....get to meetings, work the steps, and read the literature....it is a life saver...I know....I was about as sick as one can get and still be alive...
even with all my "dings and dents" I have hope that I can better me and feel better, think healthier, and bring better karma to me by the way I treat me.....Your post showed a lot of guts....U will be OK...I know it
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Giraffe...sorry for being harsh earlier.
I have string feelings around this because I did not let go and I got abused.
I just don't want that to happen to anyone else.
Sending you love and support tonight.
