Hey all  just stopping in to update

Had a REAL good work w/AA friend/coo-sponsor on my step 4.....I had to go on R&R to do this and feel the pain of yet more Crap to clean up on me....I discovered that

(no surprise) that I am still fear based..especially my needs being met and my AA friend and I went over that big time...it goes waaay back to the days of having to steal food and eat dry dog food...myself and my younger siblings and ya know???  BOTH my younger A brothers have  "fear of lack" issues...they stash food...afraid they will not "make it"  not even at the lowest level.....my sponsor and I agreed that I just had to be willing to "cast this burden"   onto my HP within me and keep freeing me of it in my meditations

Also, I am obsessive /compulsive and have NO sense of balance....normal people can get on something and put balance on it.....Me??? I get a new Iphone and I gotta work it till I know the thing in 3 days instead of  "easy does it"....getting on the boards...gotta check in all the time b/c I get "adicted" to reading and posting and instead of just putting balance on my time here, I over do it and burn out.....so I have to practice balance....make "rules"    1 hour on this....1 hour on that

also, the financial stress...I lose stuff...mis place things......so RULES where I put my keys...where I put my gadgets for Iphone......a rule for where my stuff is put .....Narrate to me what I am doing and pay attention to my hands and where /what I am doing with something.....Practice being MINDFUL

more work needed on meditation and my sponsor liked the idea of me playing my tunes...now this time add to it  excercise and instead of fanticizing or "mind chatter"   FOCUS on my feet hitting the trampolene....my arms lifting my weights....FEEL my body during exercise.....

more practice on meditating concentrating on my breath....my body.....letting go of negative thoughts/emotions....don't fight them....note them for step work, then work to calmly let the pass through me

while meditating, say  "may I be peaceful, happy, safe, may i live my life in ease"  repeat and also visualize or think of the others in my life and say  "xxx may you be............................"  exact same visual....

Also she noted that I still don't "like me"  I am in conflict...my doing better w/boundaries, re: other people, I am not setting loving boundaries on me  (rules, balance, giving over fears, etc) so I love me on one sense and do not like me on the other.....so do meditations letting go the self dislike.....AND, she told me to get out old pics of me and LOOK at that child.....and ask myself....HOW could this child defend against the evil....HOW cold it be her fault??? (as blamed by older, out of my life, sister)  how could that be my fault???  and look at that pic and ask myself would I blame another child for his/her being attacked????

also "act as if"  I love me....just treat me nice....4get affirmations, they don't work on me...so ACT as IF I love me.....

AND she told me I could borrow her love for me to love me with

May I borrow some of you all's love for me??????

THIS is what I gotta work on......and this is why I took a short break....to calm down....to stop the racing thoughts....to reach out and get 1 on 1 help to kinda level me out so I could come to terms

MOST of this I figured out myself, but its nice to have an old AA who is also perhaps my closest friend next to my sisters..maybe AS close.....work with me..............

Anyway....Gonna Read....post....not today....today I want to just practice....and meditate, but will be posting

Maybe some of you disagreed w/my need to STOP and back up....that is ok....I learned what I needed to learn...I just gotta put it in practice......Balance....internal boundaries on me......and ACT as if I love me.....

Like I said...I need to "borrow" some love and hugs....................PEACEFUL Sunday to you all.....

PS...this is kinda the highlights...We found other stuff, but these are the biggest....and to THINK...I was actually WORSE LOL