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One of my first boundaries was to allow myself to say no to doing things that didn't feel right or comfortable to me because I doubted the reason a request was being made by somebody close or not close to me - and not explain it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 19th of August 2013 10:28:44 AM
My boundary still exists today, since I have no A's in my life, is to never get in the vehicle of a drunk driver.
Also Alanon has taught me to say no, listen to my instincts and gut and say no, like grateful, tired of feeling uncomfortable after I have said yes to something I didnt want to agree with in the first place. Today I do not falter.
I have to set boundaries every day taking care of my Mother, my health and my sanity are first. Thats why I have reached my limit and she will be living with my brother in November.
I will never harm myself intentionally again, like I did after having the living experience with an alcoholic or anyone who acts like an alcoholic. If I have to stay single all the rest of my days, I would rather not harm myself than to enter into any kind of relationship with issues. Us women know, we have that intiuition, but we ignore the voice. I will listen to my inner voice.
My other boundary is to know when I am acting obsessive about anything. I have always been obsessed with Leonardo Di Caprio. I have to go on the website and look at him every week, it is diminishing however, lol... its a work in progress.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 18th of August 2013 05:00:57 PM
One of my boundaries is to not let people, places and things trigger me into doing something unhealthy and un-acceptable to me. It was a good lesson...difficult at first and then easier and paying off dividends mind, body, spirit and emotions. My sponsor warned me ahead of time that the alcoholic/addict would try to get me to tear it down and that warning helped me stay with it.
My alcoholic/addict wife said she was going to a meeting and went. Ten or fifteen minutes passed and the liquor store called to tell me that they found our check book and where it would be when I came and picked it up. I told him that my wife would come and pick it up and turned on a good TV show. Just over an hour passed and my wife bounced in the front door and started to take off her coat. I said, "Before you take off your coat you need to go to the liquor story and pick up the check book...they call and it will be at the register". She says "Oh I must have dropped it coming out of the market. I bought some chips cause we had a chip and dip meeting at this guys appartment". (LOL!!) ....I say "Oh okay, well its at the liquor store and you have to go pick it up". I'm not moving from the sofa at this time. She hesitates a moment and say, "Okay well...get in the car, come with me." I say "I'm going to keep watching my show". She pouts and says, "But you've always done it this way". (predicted by my sponsor) and I respond, "I understand and not now". I felt like a rocket scientist when she left to go get the checkbook. No over acting, no drama, trauma, tantrums...calm, reasonable, respectful..."not now". It works when you work it. ((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 18th of August 2013 09:09:35 PM
Some of my favorite things to read here are stories about people who have been able to find their strength and set some boundaries to help them to deal with the alcohol in their lives. When I read these stories it helps me find strength, encouragement, words and ideas for how I can do this for myself. I struggle trying to figure out what boundaries are appropriate to set. And then I struggle finding the right words to set them. Then I have to find enough strength to overcome the fear I have about sticking up for myself. Reading here has helped me figure this out so much.
Because of things I've read here I found the courage to set a boundary for myself today. My husband and I were supposed to have lunch with his parents at a winery. I agreed to this because the focus would be eating and then I planned to leave. But, there was a scheduling conflict, my husband got delayed this morning and we couldn't make it in time for lunch. So, my husband wanted to go hang out with them for about an hour after lunch at the winery so we could see them. I had already been thinking about this possibly happening in the future. I decided I CAN NOT be with him and his family hanging out at a winery where the whole focus is drinking and act like this is all just A-OK. So, I told him he could go if he wanted but I wouldn't go to hang out and drink. I told him I was happy to go have a meal but not to hang out and drink. So, I sit hear reading and typing and hoping to gain more skills that will help me get stronger and he is at the winery. I am feeling good about myself for not allowing myself to be put in a situation that makes me so extremely uncomfortable.
I started this thread because I would like to hear more stories from you about a time that you have set boundaries. These stories have helped me so much I figured why not gather a bunch of them in one place. What was the boundary you set? How did you do it? What were the words you used? What was the result?? Thanks for sharing!!
My boundaries usually have something to do with going in 2 cars so that I am not stuck with his schedule and giving up on my own schedule. He has been in AA for 13 years and has had a major cancer that he beat, so I'm not worrying about his drinking. He is just very controlling and manipulating with my life. If he ever did show up drunk he would live somewhere else immediately. I have to set boundaries that he not manipulate and control me.
I have been in Alanon a long while- and I am almost in the maintenance zone. I suppose I have learned to think on my feet, take in new information- so sometimes I can change my mind either way. I am always learning new boundaries inside of Alanon. These are mostly routine, non-threatening. So over timer I get to be flexible and I don't get hurt and let down nearly so much...
My very very first ever boundary is one of my proudest moments and I've managed to maintain and defend it for almost a year now. It's my baby
Basically, my A (who does not financially support me or have any reason to demand that I provide him with "wifely" duties) used to expect me to get up in the morning while he slept and make him coffee and a gourmet lunch (I started doing this out of love but it soon became a demand), bring him clean clothes and have a hot meal waiting for him at night.
And he was as rude as hell about it, complaining and demanding and horrible. So one morning he did his usual trick- elbowing me in the back while I slept and saying "I've only got 10 minutes, shouldn't you be making lunch"
I had been reading about boundaries and I sat up in bed and said "I will no longer do nice things for assholes". And I went back to sleep. Excuse the language but you asked how it was worded lol.
Well a few lunchless and dinnerless days later he awoke me gently with a kiss and said "I'm really sorry but I've overslept and I'm rushing to find my paperwork, please could you make me some lunch?"
And that's how it is now. I'll make him lunch or dinner if he's being nice and I feel like it. But it isn't expected and if I do make him food or wash his clothes, I get pleases and thank-you's. If he's being rude, he gets nothing. If he makes no effort to do nice things for me, he gets nothing.
I love boundaries
And well done on not going to the winery. I've set a similar one about visiting his family for Christmas this year; it's always an excuse for him to get horribly drunk and then I have to listen to his mum go on and on about her poor baby boy and how I shouldn't let him drink while he stumbles around and rants. So this year, I'm just not going.
This is a great topic!! My first boundary was no alcohol in my house. It was going to be a sober healthy house. That was tough but it worked. I have set other boundaries like taking two cars or having a plan b for someone to pick me up if I wanted to leave. I also set boundaries with my siblings like if they were going to smoke pot in the garage when me and my kids were there I wouldn't go there. I would meet them for a meal or see them at my house or at my Mom's where I knew my boundary would not be crossed. Al anon really helped me set boundaries and made it ok for me to take care of me and I am so grateful.
My boundaries include not buying alcohol for him and not riding in the car with him if he's drinking. I have been married 45 years. I have been in alanon over 20 years. He drinks less today, but still drinks. He was only sober 2 of those 45 years. So I set boundaries and stick to them.
Your post touches on something BIG I have to work on to set boundaries within me, yes, but directed at me, as well
yea, I can take care of myself with others pretty good, but I havn't done a good job setting boundaries on me and putting balance and structure, rules for me in my life
All my life, growing up, it was either abuse or abandonment and almost reckless disregard for giving us children rules and structure and boundaries....it was helter skelter, almost anything goes, then at other times we were so constricted, we never knew "which is it??? Prison or open do what you want day???"
So know I am having to teach me rules, and boundaries, and structure for my own life...healthy going to bed at a decent time...getting up at a decent time on off days, not overdoing it on stuff....the whole ball of wax
I hope this post made sense.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You set boundaries that you were not okay with having a big drinking event and stuck to it, Good job! I have set boundaries with many of my friends and family when dealing with drugs and alcohol and I basically don't want to be around it, I will not hang out with my A's while they are drinking or using and I detach when they do and do my own thing. If something makes me feel uncomfortable I change my plans and do what feels right for me. I do not argue or fight about my boundaries I set them and stick to them, I don't have a big discussion about it, I say what I mean, mean what I say and I don't say it mean. It sounds like you are well on your way. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It's been a long day and I'm on my phone so it's hard to type a lot right now. But, I've been reading and wanted to thank everyone for sharing. Melly, I love seeing the words you used! Thank you! Sometimes it seems so hard to find the right words to keep it simple, direct, and to the point.
My favorite boundary was when I had asked a very popular woman in AA to sponsor me...she used my request to control and shame me on the phone...after she was done abusing me she said No, she would not sponsor me...it was insanity and very harmful.
About 6 months later I saw her at a meeting...I was doing better at that time and was chairing and spoke very clearly and confidently on the steps...after the meeting she ran over to me and offered sponsorship to me. Lol.
I knew she was manipulating me...she had no intention of sponsoring me at all...she wanted to try to suck the self-esteem out of me again becsuse i was doing well...she wanted me to helplessly be dependent on her, maybe I'd say, "oh yes! I need your help!" *rolls eyes*
I said, "No, I've got something going that's working."
because she couldn't manipulate me, whenever Id see her after that she would would walk by me and snub me in meetings...she wanted it to be clear that I had "done something wrong" and she was pissed...
What people will do is claim theyre the victim when really they were the predator. Boundaries are essential. Reject the blame Or any flack you get.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 19th of August 2013 08:24:01 AM
I noticed that at first you said the focus would be lunch.
later in your thread you said the focus would be drinking.
boundaries need to be set at the beginning.
when you first heard these plans, that the lunch would be at a winery, wasn't there an uncomfortable feeling that pinched you, knowing it didn't sound good? That is the Voice to listen to, that is the time to say, "You know, I think I won't." At the beginning.
boundaries can be set a little later too, but then there is more chance for chaos or for us to be blamed.
Speaking up and stop engaging when someone becomes manipulative, acknowledging it for what it is. It takes effort for me to assert myself and tell someone that their actions are not acceptable, even when it becomes clear that the other person would rather end the relationship than to stop bad behavior or try to work things out. However, it's positive reinforcement for me when I realize that I am not so compromised that people can treat me however they want... it becomes easier and easier for me to walk away from unhealthy (there is a lot of unhealthy). Another positive reinforcement from this boundary is that I don't carry someone else's "stuff"; I leave it with them, where it belongs. It's interesting to observe how they process that they weren't able to dump on my side of the street and I'm grateful that it's not something else I volunteered to weigh me down instead.
Being mindful of positive affirmations and no negative self talk. (because falling down the rabbit hole happens so much more quickly than pulling myself out)
Being mindful of speaking from my heart from a place of love. This is a way of helping me mean what I say, say what I mean, but not saying things meanly. At first I felt overly vulnerable, but with practice, I feel more true to myself - when done authentically, I don't ruminate about other things I coulda woulda shoulda said.
A few milestone boundaries for me were: stopping taking the blame externally or internally for other people's anger or hissy fits, and simply exiting any conversation that to me starts to sound unreasonable, cross-examining, nosier than is reasonable, contentious or anger-filled. I simply leave those conversations physically if at all possible. This means I have learned the habit of always having an exit strategy with certain people, just in case.
boundaries.... Don't take ownership of someone else's emotional condition, they were doing emotional well or not so well, regardless of my almighty presence.
Reserve the right to be wrong. This allows me to be simply another human being with human characteristics.
Reserve the right to change my mind. This keeps me from getting stuck in old thoughts and behaviors when new information comes to the surface that should be considered.
When a woman is attracted to me, I must acknowledge that she must still be pretty sick and run!! LMAO!
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
boundaries.... Don't take ownership of someone else's emotional condition, they were doing emotional well or not so well, regardless of my almighty presence.
Reserve the right to be wrong. This allows me to be simply another human being with human characteristics.
Reserve the right to change my mind. This keeps me from getting stuck in old thoughts and behaviors when new information comes to the surface that should be considered.
When a woman is attracted to me, I must acknowledge that she must still be pretty sick and run!! LMAO!
John
Oh, my, John. Thanks for the afternoon laugh. Funny - especially 1 and 4.
Thanks Bettina. It was not easy...that's for sure! Once I got into the marriage and realized he was an alcoholic I was not about to let my family kow they had been right or they could tell me I TOLD YOU SO! So I made the best of things and stick it put!
But all humor aside, John - would you like to maybe go out to dinner sometime?
Sure, dinner sounds good, however, if I point out something behind you that doesn't really exist, to get you to turn your head, so I can pull your hair to show you I am attracted to you and trying to get your attention, I'm not being mean... it's just the 12 yr in me that wants to be loved. hehehehe
I would understand, John...been there, done it, seen it!!!
John wrote:
WorkingThroughIt wrote:
It IS funny!
But all humor aside, John - would you like to maybe go out to dinner sometime?
Sure, dinner sounds good, however, if I point out something behind you that doesn't really exist, to get you to turn your head, so I can pull your hair to show you I am attracted to you and trying to get your attention, I'm not being mean... it's just the 12 yr in me that wants to be loved. hehehehe
Jerry... love the ck book story.....actually this whole post is awesome to me.. I so struggle with boundaries being broken etc... I am working HARD on this .. and Im better than I use to be about "doing my own thing" and "not coming to the rescue"
Ive never been one to accept excuses or blaming others .. but I was "Mrs Fix it" now I just let my AH and his Afamily deal with themselves. When it crosses me, I dont feel the need to accept apologies for drunk behaviour and I move on.... Its not MY problem and I dont allow it in my life.
funny how at holidays they ask why my family doesnt invite them to join in. i simply say .. we dont beleive children should think "any" get together is a reason to drink... We have fun with out it. So when I take my child to their stuff when the drinking starts i leave with my child..
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I noticed that at first you said the focus would be lunch.
later in your thread you said the focus would be drinking.
boundaries need to be set at the beginning.
when you first heard these plans, that the lunch would be at a winery, wasn't there an uncomfortable feeling that pinched you, knowing it didn't sound good? That is the Voice to listen to, that is the time to say, "You know, I think I won't." At the beginning.
boundaries can be set a little later too, but then there is more chance for chaos or for us to be blamed.
I have been super busy with the start of the school year and haven't had time to comment back but I have been enjoying reading everyone's comments quickly before bed. WorkingThroughIt, we were originally supposed to meet the in-laws for lunch. I didn't have an uncomfortable feeling because I knew we would leave after lunch because my husband had a friend visiting from out of town and they had plans for the afternoon. I got that uncomfortable pinch when we didn't make it in time for lunch but they still wanted to meet for a drink. I was afraid one drink could turn into an afternoon of drinking so I didn't go. It actually turned out that my husband and his friend met my in-laws at the winery without me. They truly had just one drink and came home!
This is when I start to feel like a crazy person. Can a person who has a problem with alcohol really go to a winery and have just one drink? Maybe it's not my place to decide that. My husband's heavy drinking bouts come so far and few between that it is very easy for me to start feeling like I am just some boring stick in the mud who can't tolerate a little fun. I have made the boundary that I will leave if his drinking gets beyond the point I am comfortable with when we are with his parents. We had a bit of a blow up the other night because he accused me of always putting his family second to mine and not wanting to spend time with them.
I tried to explain to him that (as I have told him before and try not to nag about) I have huge anxiety about spending time with his parents because of my fear that he will drink so much he will not even remember our conversations even though this happens less often than the number of times it doesn't happen. I make a point to not nag about his drinking but I feel like I need to be honest about it in a situation like this when he is sober and confronts me. He spun it back on me and said everything seems to give me anxiety and started rattling off a list of all the stressors in my life. So, I again start feeling like I'm the crazy one which I know is something so many other people here describe. And, I tell myself that if he didn't have a problem he wouldn't allow this to cause me so much anxiety because I know he loves. And, he also wouldn't make a choice that makes me not want to attend family events if it is so important to him if he could control it.
I have posted here before about how to handle these family issues. I got lots of great advice about setting boundaries and not feeling like I need to be around people who drink. I have been told that often the family members are too into their own drinking to realize if the sober person is not there. Apparently that is not true in my situation because it seems to be a big deal to my husband now that I am starting to stick to some boundaries. Though I am sure some of the big deal is probably an attempt to deflect his issues on to me. It is hard for me to practice maintaining these boundaries because he doesn't drink every day or even every week.
I am really struggling right now with how to handle this. I want to make healthy choices. I have not attended any face to face meetings yet because the only meetings here are on the weekend when we spend time together which would be a very obvious hole in our schedule. I so wish they were right after work when I could more discreetly attend without it being such an intrusion on both of our schedules. If I go on the weekend I will need to tell him that I am going to do this which I think will freak him out a bit. (It seems like anytime I bring up his drinking, which is rare, he gets very quiet and acts like a whipped puppuppy.) I thought this incident might be an opportunity to do that since he spun it on me and made it into me having the problem. I now have the opening to say I am going to a meeting to address my problems! I don't nag him about drinking or lash out at him. But, we do talk about it in general terms (especially in relationship to the rest of the family) when he is sober. Many of these conversations are spent with him comparing his behavior to the others and declaring it's not as extreme and then I make a statement such as he would point out someone at a restaurant who ordered 6 cokes, 12 pieces of cake or a mile high stack of pancakes. I see drinking alcohol in excess to not be anymore normal than those behaviors.
I read on here recently "Sometimes When the people you love hurt you the most, Its better to stay quiet... Because, If your love wasn't enough...Do you think your words will matter ??" This really struck me! It makes sense and I need to think about it in my own life. My husband and I have a very honest open relationship. I struggle with the realization that some of my thoughts and feelings I need to keep from him. It makes me sad. Someone on here also said recently "But did it ever occur to you that your tantrums and harsh words are like whipping a sick dog? Remember, he's lashing himself-all the time. If you apply more lashes, you're inviting him to transfer some of his guilt to you. This can keep him from reaching his "bottom" and realizing how much he needs help to find sobriety." This also struck me. It all makes so much sense. Yet I am having such a hard time not wanting to express me fear, anger and sadness. I don't know how to just sit by and watch. I feel like I am at a critical point where things are not nearly as extreme as what many people here deal with and I need to get good habits in place now.
I feel like I have rambled in this post. I have had these things floating around my head for several weeks but just haven't had time to post. I feel like I need some support with how to stay strong and not give into the craziness. How to not let myself feel crazy and not feel bad for making other people upset with my choices. And, how to not feel full or fear and anxiety about all of the what ifs.
-- Edited by In The Forest on Friday 6th of September 2013 10:42:39 PM
