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Hello. My name is Stephanie, and my husband is an alcoholic.... thought I would use the old stand by intro! My attempt at levity.
We have been married four years. I always knew he drank a lot. I should, of course, have seen the signs.
But I ignored them, and my inner voice.
He is trying to stay sober now, has been off and on for about 6 months.
And for the first couple months, he did incredibly well. Not a drop, he was open with me about it, we talked about it, found so many positive aspects to focus on.
But he has had a few serious slips. The most recent one nearly cost us our job. We manage a ranch together, so if one of us goes, we both go.
He also has significant communication issues... aka, he sucks at communicating.
Anyhow... I have been thinking about ALANON for a long time. We live quite a ways out of town, so meetings are not easy to attend, so I thought perhaps I would start here and see where I end up.
The problem just now, or the most immediate one, is while I am here he can manage to abstain. But when I leave, he drinks, and does things he would never do sober. Endless list.
I guess you would say I am his crutch, or we, or he, or I, have become co-dependant.
I suggested AA online, as he steadfastly refuses to go to an AA meeting. I went on myself and spoke to a few of the members.
That was yesterday. I think he threw out the paper I put the info on.
I really do not want to end our marriage, but I am near the end of my tether. It is no longer tears and anger, it is a calm sort of process. That, to me, is signalling the end is near. I have tried to explain this to him, but he is very resistant.
I have no doubt many of you can relate to this.
So, here I am, hat in hand, not sure where to go. I know he has to make the choice himself, but I don't think he has ever had to truly deal with the consequences of his drinking. He would always just walk away and start new somewhere, with all the same habits.
I hope, of course I hope. But I do not believe this is something he can do on his own. He has proven that by drinking whenever I leave for a day.
I am willing to stand by him, but only if he makes some sort of true effort. I cannot babysit him for my entire life, and that is what it feels like now.
There is no trust left. But a great weariness.
-- Edited by Stevens on Sunday 18th of August 2013 10:12:27 AM
-- Edited by Stevens on Sunday 18th of August 2013 10:13:49 AM
Do you think AA might be a good resource for you, too? And I don't need an answer to that question. I just find that AA (and I'm not a drinker) can be incredibly grounding and I can't explain why. I just know it when I attend open AA meetings. There is something healing for me when I listen to As tell their stories and offer their wisdom. I did drink many, many moons ago - but, it just didn't really fit me. I didn't have that disease, but my disease - codependency - was the other side of that coin. Both programs have been a help to me in different ways. Much support for you, Stevens. Thanks for your candid share. I do think the A tries to hide it from himself/herself, too. Its scary to see what the disease can do to us and to others. Probably feels incredibly overwhelming to realize one has that particular affliction? It took me awhile to admit I was suffering from the disease of codependency, too. I wanted to be one of those few people who aren't affected either way by either issue. Finally had to accept what I couldn't change so I could change what I could with HP's guidance and support.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 18th of August 2013 11:42:39 AM
My husband also drinks the most when I am not around or when he is with his family. He definitely drinks at other times but those are the 2 situations when it seems to get most out of control. I certainly don't feel any responsibility when he chooses to get drunk if I'm not home. I know it is not my fault. But, it has had a huge impact on my life. I hate being away from the house for long periods of time. It is not due to any responsibility I feel to stay home and keep him from drinking. I just HATE the way I feel when I come home and he has changed into a different person. Like your husband my husband also has very telling signs that he has been drinking. I can tell just from the expression on his face and the way he carries himself. I HATE the feeling of coming home to this "stranger".
We got married in a private ceremony and then had a celebration with our families at a later date. Right before the family celebration I spent the day with a friend shopping for a dress. I was so excited to come home and tell him about my day. Instead what I came home to was him being totally wasted. He had tripped in the house and busted his chin open. His father was there trying to convince him to go to the emergency room and he was incapable of holding a conversation by far having any interest in how my day had been. Wow! That was so scary and sad and upsetting. It gave me huge anxiety about leaving the house for an extended period of time. It really messed with my head.
I know that is not a healthy way to live. I am trying really hard to detach and do things that are healthy for me. I joined a committee at work that I knew would be very time consuming and keep me from home for long hours. I had been interested in doing this for several years but became very hesitant about the extended time away. I finally decided to join the committee this summer. It was a big step on my part because I had a lot of anxiety about it. So far things have gone well. I keep trying to remind myself that he is going to drink if he wants to drink and I can't control it. And, if I am away from home at least I don't have to be around it. I don't like being around the stranger he becomes. I think that change in demeanor is what I hate the most about the drinking.
-- Edited by In The Forest on Sunday 18th of August 2013 02:53:05 PM
Hi, Stevens: Welcome to MIP. We have on-line meetings twice a day and we encourage face to face meetings, too. We don't suggest that you stay, leave or separate from your spouse. We do suggest attending meetings and waiting before you make a major decision for about 6 months.
We also suggest that you try at least 6 meetings before you decide whether or not Al-Anon is for you.
Having had multiple qualifiers in my life, without him working a program, I do question his drinking only when you're gone. He might be expert at hiding his drinking when you're there. As can be like squirrels secreting their stash in places they can forget in hopes we'll never find them. They can also drink a lot before it shows up as they are drunk. That's been my experience.
How much he drinks, when he drinks, whether you are there or not when he drinks really doesn't matter. That's all his business to take care of or not. What does matter is how much his drinking is affecting you. Al-Anon helps us learn ways to live that help to counterbalance the affect of the disease on our lives. We learn to separate ourselves from the qualifier's disease and the consequences of that disease in ways that fit us and not necessarily anybody else. It is our life and our responsibility to accept the consequences of our own choices which ultimately help us find better solutions to the challenges in our lives - whether or not our loved one stops drinking and gains sobriety in AA.
Lots of encouragement and support. Please keep coming back. You are not alone. Many of us have been there or are still there in varying degrees.
There are so many physical and verbal signs when he drinks, he really cannot hide it. He cannot disguise the droopy eyes, the redness around them, the puffiness, the smell.. and his walk and movements change almost immediately, his speech, even the way he words things. He just... changes in every way. I have become highly attuned to it. And as he has no off switch, of course it is never just one or two. He has slipped a time or two when I am home, and you are totally right when you say he hides it. I have found bottles and mickeys all over the place, empty and tucked away. Not as much now, though, I will admit. I think he is trying not to drink for ME, when he needs to work on not drinking for HIM. Know what I mean?
I used to drink with him, fooling myself that it was "just a few after work." But I quit drinking totally about a year ago, in hopes of encouraging him.
Hi Stevens-I tried relentlessly to change my A. For close to 8 years I was trying to control her drinking, her activities, who she was with, figure out when she was lying, and at one point I even bought alcohol test strips online so I could test her myself. Know where this got me? Depressed, anxious, miserable, sleepless, and I just kept sinking into a big hole. Now I'm climbing out. I'm taking care of me. She did start recovery also but her track record stinks. When she goes out I enjoy my time with me, oh and two cute dogs. Join any recovery program and start working on yourself. In my F2f meeting at the end, we say "Let it Begin With Me." Lyne
Welcome to MIP, As I have learned in 26 years of Alanon that their drinking has nothing to do with us.
We are not that powerful.
He is playing the same game as my X A, if he is drinking when your gone, he is drinking while your there, just to a different degree.
I would let go and let the chips fall where they may, he has you thinking that you control his drinking. Its a way of not taking responsibility for his drinking and manipulating you. You need to put it back on him and get to the point where you are free to come and go whether he is drinking or not.
I needed to take long trips away from the A, just to be away from it. And I did, even went to Italy a few times . Came back and the house was not in shambles, he was in his fake sobriety, drinking enough just to maintain.
I know for a fact that the A's are busy people, busier than we know, they can get themselves into messes with or without us.
Step one in Alanon, "We are powerless over Alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable" . I believe the most important to really learn and implement. Its very important that you stay with our forum, you will learn a lot and use the tools of this program so you can achieve your own serenity and not feel uncomfortable everytime you walk out the door.
Actually I went to the AA site first! And you are totally correct. It is giving me a different perspective. Deep down I KNOW this is not in my control. But I have admit, the changes in both our lives that will occur if/when I leave are a bit overwhelming right now. I think I saw in myself the potential for letting alcohol take over my life as well as his, and for a little while, the first couple of years we were married and I just drank with him, I thought it might. That is when I stopped. And in every way I feel better.
Thanks Bettina... and that is where I need to get. I worry a lot about leaving, because he does the dumbest (and some dangerous, and some very hurtful) crap when he is drunk.
But I have to let go at some point. Either live with it, or leave it and live my own life. It has to be his choice. Ugh. SO much easier to say than do. On day at a time, right?
One day at a time with Al-Anon or 12-step program that works for you will help you get to wherever it is you want to be living the life you want to live. Without help, one day at a time is just the same old-same old in my experience adding up to one month, one year, 12 years and nothing has changed except I've gotten older and my A has, too. (((S)))
Just a thought, you don't have to leave your marriage to live your life freely. Only with Alanon's tools you can live with it and still be at peace, no matter what he is doing. You can not allow his disease to paralize your life.
Understanding that first step with my life made the change in me.
So he messes up the house some, He is going to be the one to clean it. His personality changes, so , don't react to it.
I can only reiterate Grateful2be. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. These alcoholics will act like little God's if you allow it.
I agree with Bettina...I would let go...let the chips fall where they may AS YOU get into alanon...meetings....step work.....literature and practice what you learn that works out for you....Its a never ending struggle to deal with the emotional and mental issues we got, either in our childhoods or getting into it in a marriage...
We have to learn that the only person / place/ thing we can change is ourselves.....I would just let it go (him and his drinking) and begin work on me...he will have to walk his own path...you cannot walk it for him....Some stuff is our own and only our own....recovery is one of them...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
