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even though I'm aware of many of my mistakes and faults, and even though I've worked through the steps again and again, and even though I have had good days full of hope lately, I'm back at point 0, and sometimes deeper. I feel exhausted again, trying to keep myself on 2 feet.
if i go back and see where I have gone wrong, it seems I have gone wrong all along. in choosing the wrong person to open up to, being with him for the wrong reasons, those of co-dependency, doubting my instincts and my judgments. where i once believed of being a victim, I now believe I am a horrible cold-hearted person. Ex-A is giving me the silent treatment, and instead of letting go, I insisted, old controlling patterns came back fully loaded, I acted completely impulsively, hurting, despairing, pathetically, anxious, and in so much pain, instead of enjoying the peace. What is wrong with me? why can i not keep it together, when I intellectually know what is best for me? I put myself out there, all by myself...I think i know what's best for everyone, but not for myself. Of course, A is right, who would like to surround himself with a person as manipulative and clingy as myself. ??
the thing is , he excluded me in all his activities and life, I felt lonely and neglected, and when I'm in that isolated state, I loose all my good qualities. I'm still living in this foreign land, which I really like, but the whole situation with the A (local) has created a whole hostile atmosphere around me, am in culture shock i guess. I feel not wanted, he says, i don't belong here. Of course he is mean that way, because he too is suffering from a huge inferiority complex towards me and my abilities to adapt and to manage life with responsibility. his whole social system is based on different values, and responsibility is not expected from him. He didn't even manage to live 2 weeks on his own, he is raised as a real spoiled little golden king. Luckily I have friends around that remind me my qualities, local friends and friends from home. But currently I cannot see them or feel them clearly. I know this all has to do with the fact that I tried to get back together with that person...I was actually doing fine. So fine, that all my spirits were up again, that I was full of energy and hope, and though that I could handle it all. well, I CAN'T. I want to love MYSELF again, for the right reasons. Right now i'm struggling with forgiving myself, because I have said some horribly stupid things in the heat of the events.....i didn't even realize how arrogant and judgmental I sound when I'm defending myself...with all that turmoil, changing moods of the A, i didn't take the time to listen to myself. I even apologized to him for that, made my amends, for that's how I really am..... I understand why I reacted that way, he has put me through some real hard core mind games and mental abuse, that's how I experienced it. It has been all about him again, for the past 3 months.... my fault.i am the one giving the focus..... but honestly, MY INTENTIONS DEEP DOWN WERE GOOD. have to repeat that, because his words make me doubt even about that. (but yes, 'going to the carpenter to buy bread' effect or similar!!)
but i'm sick, so sick, co-dependency is a huge illness, and I wonder why I put so much energy in supporting him with his alcoholism, when I clearly have enough troubles on my side. He now claims that he is healthy (dry drunk with secret drinking every 2 weeks) , well he went back living with family, where nobody really cares, and he can consume whenever he feels like, I know his days seem healthy, but nighttimes haunt him, thats where the -ism is fully present. I know that because I've lived with him. His friends will never know these details, his restless nature, his lost thoughts and anxiety in the middle of the night. Me I suffer day and night, because I'm not good in lying, in pretending, I'm feeling all my feelings, am not good in suppressing them.... and I feel affected with his huge mood swings, and my stupid empathy and compassion is such that I take some of suffering on my shoulders. That's where good human social qualities become a burden, when interacting with an addicted mind....
in the next days, weeks and months i will surely try to work on my co-dependent issues. This has to stop. Why do i feel bad if I'm a bit selfish? why do I feel bad when I'm angry, why do i feel guilty when I feel sad and raise my voice to speak up.? I'm tired of complaining....I'm sorry, and I'm tired of apologizing also....DAMN I'M ALSO HUMAN! but i'm so tired of me trying to rescue or save the whole wold, I'm also tired of hoping for a relationship to rescue me, I'm 36now, I want family one day and I still believe that I will not be healthy anytime soon, to be part of a healthy relationship, I believe today that I don't have the necessary talent to be with somebody and staying detached enough to stay myself. But that makes me feel very lonely indeed.
I came here to vent, once again, a huge setback... it seems even my friends are loosing all hope and motivation to help me out of that vicious circle. and I'm ashamed of asking for help also...
hopefully back in serene mood, enthusiastic mood ,inspiring mood....want my hearty smile back and I want to be able to stop missing a person that is OBVIOUSLY not bringing out the best in me, giving me mental abuse, silent treatment, arrogant attitude, and who is just sabotaging or ignoring every single effort I brought in this friendship.
Thanks for being, and I really am asking for some kind of encouragement.... deep deep anger and resentment are about to come up. am scared!
As I read your post I was stuck with the thought that although you acknowledge what you do you are puzzled when you revert back to destructive thoughts and actions. As you have indicated, I have often stated but "My Motives were/ are good". and my sponsor would remind me of the old saying," The road to hell is paved with good intentions ". She would not allow me to justify any of my negative actions. I also had to acknowledge that my compassion, empathy and kindness had swung over and become defects that were hurting me. The reason for this is that I was using them to manipulate the situation and they had hidden strings . My 4Th Step had to list my assets and defects and I had to see where in dealing with this disease I had misused may of my assets and hurt myself .
A true 4th AND 5th step gave me a very clear picture of my relationship and how destructive we both behaved towards each other. By Owning my part and asking HP to lift the destructive use of my precious assets I was set free to see and know deep down how dangerous staying in my relationship was. I had to learn to place myself on the top of my amends list in the 8TH Step and turn all my assets around to helping myself. It worked.
YOU are a kind, loving, independent, intelligent women who only needs the guidance of Hp and alanon to succeed. I pray that you increase your meetings, make a daily asset and gratitude list and keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 18th of August 2013 09:31:32 AM
((((Tortuga))))))) Pick yourself up, brush off your butt, and get busy. Number 1, forgive...because if frees YOUR soul. None of us are perfect, we all have our issues, and you are being very hard on yourself. Start at step 1 and begin again. You know this program and it does work when you work it.
I believe that by the time my AH realized that he was an alcoholic and needed help, that I was sicker than he was... For all the things that you just wrote about. These behaviors develop over time, just like the A progresses in their alcoholism. It is hard to "reprogram" our brain, but with time, we do have the ability. I have been working this program for over 3 years now. I am better, but I still have a lot to work on. I have been married to my A for almost 36 years now And I had LOTS of time to develop all my hang ups. I still struggle over certain things but I also know this and continue to try to get better. Realization is a big step for me....
Hang in there...you are worth it!!! I am sure that more ESH will be coming for you...
I felt that way when I was near your age. It was a hard, hard time. I turned my entire life over to the God of my understanding. I told HP I was tired and needed help. I couldn't go on this way anymore. Circumstances were somewhat different, but feelings and thoughts the same. After turning everything to include myself into God's hands, life changed for me. It changed in big ways and it took time. But, day by day, I got better and my life looked nothing like it had looked before I took that step - that huge step of surrender. I stayed only with folks I trusted who lifted me up. I got a new job. Made a move away from my hometown. Made new friends. Stopped crying over the old boyfriend and made amends to myself by seeing I was fine without him and could enjoy life as a single woman with ambitions and dreams of her own that didn't include a new boyfriend. Each day, I would do the 11th step, and be fascinated by what HP had in mind for me that day. I did meet with skilled folks who could help me look at areas I needed to work on within me. I did meet with people with similar interests as mine. But mostly, I did the 11th step every day and in many ways my life became what I would call miraculous. To me, where you are is exactly where you're meant to be for now. What you're thinking, feeling and doing will change with awareness, acceptance and HP inspired action. Much support for you as you continue with meetings, steps, slogans and MIP. Keep coming back.
Yeah - I do hear codependency but mostly I just feel fear of moving on without him and fear of being by yourself. Those were some of my biggest issues too. You are not a bad person, not a weak person, but it's just time to change.
Tortuga, I only succeeded in taming down those character defects over time. It is only when they got so painful that I couldn't live that way anymore, that I delved into changing. Working the steps doesn't make them sink in either. And if you do a daily 10th step, you would know when you were taking your will back before it progressed so far.
I dunno. It sounds like you have decided more than once (or even more than a few times) that this guy is not good for you. Your thoughts and actions for getting back with him sound just like the thoughts that an alcoholic/addict has when they pick up again. They (we) rationalize how it can be managed...it can be different, we are mature now and can handle it, we have insight so we can drink responsibly...we can have a healthy relationship with the drug/alcohol again. This type of rationalization is common for alcoholic/addicts but it never never never works.
I do know that when I found myself single, I felt so empty and worthless. I didn't always scramble back to the person I broke up with, but typically found a new boyfriend within a month or two and it didn't matter much if they were good for me or not. I hated being alone and being single on a deep level. I'm not sure if this is the case for you or not.
What I did to change: I started investing in me and making myself a higher priority. I went to 12 step meetings daily, made lots of new friends, started working out, (of course quit drinking), quit smoking, and then changed my attitude to NEVER SETTLE AGAIN. I still felt lonely and wanted a boyfriend when I was single but I knew I had choices. I knew I was a catch so I could let go of bad matches. Another guy was right around the corner anyhow lol (true though - plenty of fish in the sea - so stop reeling in the same busted up fish). As a codependent, I never learned to play the dating game, so when I met someone remotely into me, I clung to them like glue.
What about going on multiple dates with different guys? What about having suitors? What about letting yourself get wooed and allowing someone to prove their worth as a partner to you? Those are the ideas that get lost with your self-esteem after trying so hard to make it work with a sick drunk/drug addict. Being single and okay with it is great but for me - it was overwhelming. I did get okay with it eventually and rerouted my thinking about dating and such and it helped a lot.
So yes, you have great insight. You can tell you have worked this program, but changing who you are is painful and it doesn't seem like you can go to alanon meetings and redefining yourself in a new culture is not easy. Prayers are with you. You can do this.
I agree with pinkchip in that we start to recognize the moments where the pain of where we are is greater than the fear of where we might go. That is certainly a turning point, but even coming to that place does not mean the next steps are easy ones. You might not feel it, but I sense a lot of strength in your post; and as we know it takes a lot of strength to have lived w our As and of course if/when we make decision that we can't live with them.
Sending you thoughts of serenity, and that you trust you know what is right for you.
Advice I once read said to give yourself 5 years between any major relationships to reassert yourself and think about what went wrong so that you don't carry the ghosts of past relationships into the future ones. Following that advice helps me to see that I am better alone (so MUCH better) than with the wrong person and being alone doesn't suck once you quiet all those Disney and society voices that tell you something's wrong with you if you are alone.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
This is a vent that shows that you are choosing to be victimized. Everyone here has given the encouragement you need.
But, you have to stop the pity party. If nothing is changing, then it becomes what your choosing.
Whatever you think you have done, excuse yourself and move on. We are only human and the path of living with an alcoholic is not an easy one. You are excusing the behavior of the A if you choose to carry his burden also. He has a big part in it.
Alanon does not work , if you don't work it. You have to take the action every day.
THANK YOU all for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this.
I am indeed a little scared to let it all go. There were some good experiences and memories and dreams attached to that relationship of course. But as pinkchip says, it starts paining so much that I slowly loose my grip... and it doesn't feel so much scary anymore.
hotrod you are right when you say it is dangerous to stay in this kind of setting, using my qualities for a negative purpose, manipulating someone into changing his nature.... But I actually decided 2 weeks ago it was better to leave. I just wanted to leave in a kind way, because i didn't mean any harm. I thought we could separate in an adult way...and that's where i got wrong, because a recovering (if he is....am still doubting that one) A doesn't take things in the adult way. I recognized already some time ago that making a life together would turn out in a huge roller coaster. Sure it was painful to leave, but i was ready to do it, for both our sakes. So now, after yesterdays talk I can see how much he is hurting too, and that he is not ready for a compassionate understanding dialogue. He prefers to turn it all around and go into defense, instead of 'listening'. I understand that the self-pity and blaming and degrading is only his defense mechanism, still it remains abuse.... I just thought by this time he would not go back to those arms. I simply didn't want to end this way. But who am I to control other people's feelings, and to expect that a break-up could be handled in a compassionate understanding, supportive way was probably too much to ask. I'm a dreamer. Oh well. 4th and 5th step, an 8th step with myself on the top of the list (thanks hotrod for this suggestion, this never came to my mind before) then ongoing 10th step and 11th step, yes when I'm completely back with myself, not in re-acting modus.
The good thing is, after all, that I'm slowly gaining more self-worth. i'm just a little bit terrified that this had to happen throughout several relationships that were really harmful. Learning the hard way.... I wonder if I will ever be that much balanced as to let people closer that are good to me. That would be a whole new experience. That's a question I don't get about myself. Why do i rather go for the hard/difficult ways in everything i do?
It is goos reading your posts, as you know I can't attend meetings here, so this board is the 'only' direct support system I have, and your love and support is so straight and honest, I can really work with that and reflect more. thanks a lot.
practice, practice, practice.
Glad you're feeling more at peace with yourself in the confines of your circumstances. Didn't realize you couldn't go to meetings since I don't know where you are. Good there are on-line meetings here for you then. I like to attend them, too.
Thanks Bettina, for that soft 'kick' yes, no more excuses, also working on that. I don't like the victim role either, it's boring and monotonous indeed.
I'll come back, Hugs.
I think if you had a strong f2f alanon home group, it could make a huge difference. I don't know if that is available where you live. I could not have changed without a sponsor, meetings, and the fellowship. You might have to get creative to get that experience. Otherwise, you are relying on a broken thinker to fix a broken thinker.
Dear (((Tortuga))), I feel so blessed that you and I have walked the same path for so long. Your wisdom has always been so good for me and it just sounds like you're having a rough time.
As it says in the AlAnon introduction (paraphrased), "We too, were lonely and frustrated, but we learn here that there is no pain that can't be lessened and no joy that can't be greatened. Without help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted, we try to force solutions and become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."
What you're feeling is a symptom of stretching your wings - stretching your comfort zone. Being insecure about where your future will lead, feeling like even though the past was bad, at least you KNEW what was going to happen.
I have been where you are, dear sister. It comes and goes. Soon enough it will be going more than coming :)
Hang in there, do good things for yourself and be patient with yourself, live just for today, and we're all rooting for you!
Love, Blondie
yes, no more excuses, also working on that. I don't like the victim role either, it's boring and monotonous indeed.