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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need encouragement to follow my program
Post Info TOPIC: Need encouragement to follow my program
grateful2be


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Need encouragement to follow my program
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Deb: To some degree, my son has been enabled by my parents, too, and they didn't like my way of dealing with anything. My Mom once said "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO!!!! SOMETHING!!!!" "What Mom? What do you think I can do?" She had no answers because she didn't have answers. She thought I should have them because I was my son's Mom. I didn't. It was his life. Not mine. I just wasn't going to enable.
My Dad would just give him money and send him on his way. Although my Mom is dead, my Dad is alive. It took him years to see that there was nothing he could do and giving my son money didn't help any. My son went on to other enablers after he ran out of family members - and our family is large as is his Dad's family.

We just don't have control over the A or the untreated codependents who come in the form of siblings, neighbors, church folks, counselors and on and on the list grows. Just like others have said - you are completely powerless over other people, places and things. As far as what your Dad has said to you - well, do you think he really means it or is he trying to grasp at straws to help your son, is frantic and just as out of his mind with fear as we get without Al-Anon - and sometimes with it, too? We can apply what we learn to our parents as well as our As: Watch what they do.

Lots of support. You'll get through this one day at a time.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 17th of August 2013 05:50:19 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 18th of August 2013 03:42:17 PM

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debhud


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Hi all,  I am having trouble with my relationship with my parents who are enablers to my AS.  They choose to pay all of his bills and watch his son because he is too hung over to watch him.  He is addicted to alcohol and they are addicted to him.  I on the other hand try to stay on course with my alanon principles.

today my father confronted me regarding "abandoning" my son.  He says I am not there for him and that despite all of the mistakes I made growing up, he never abandoned me.  I tried to explain to him about alanon and how I need it to keep me sane.  And that I cannot be physically around my poor son often because I can't bear to see him shake at 1pm because he is in alcohol withdrawal.  I can't see him on a daily basis drink himself to death.  My dad, god bless him is ignorant regarding alcoholism.  Says, we have got to get him better....blah,blah,blah.  Both of my parents choose not to go to alanon or read the literature provided.

dad gave me an ultimatum if you will...says he will "write me off if I don't attempt son help my son.  I am crying.  My dad and I are so close.  I realize he just doesn't know what to do.  But he laid so much guilt on me.  I need to understand that they are frustrated.  And I can't force them to get help anymore than I can force my son.  

My son is dying from this disease.  He doesn't eat and his weight is down so much.  He at this point has to drink or he would have seizures.  My parents see this every day.  And my dear 37 year old son refuses help.

please need encouragement to stay on course....thanks



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debbie huddle
PP


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Oh Debbie, not only are you dealing with the pain of watching your son wither away, hearing what you have heard from your father goes right to the heart.  I am sorry.  Do what you know to do....remember the 3 a's and the 3 c's.  It helps me to go into my pain, accept it, then creep out of it beginning with a gratitude list.   I do my very best, whatever that looks like at the time, to hold my al anon principles close, envision myself lying in my HP's arms and find support from those who know recovery, which is what you did here.  I am sure others will add support for you as the post gets read.  (((hugs)))



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Paula
Cathyinaz


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Debbie

I would try to get some sense into your parents. What is you call AA and asked for someone else to talk to them. They have got to realize they are killing him with their enabling...they just got to. Have to asked them about them sending him to rehab if they are so convinced they can help him? They have got to realize the only way your son might seek help is if he is in pain....terrible pain.

You know I would tell my parents that they will be the killers of my son if they don't quit and leave MY SON ALONE I will disown them.

You need to stay strong here and whatever happens happens...

I'm so so sorry....you and your son are in my prayers and prayers for your parents that they will see their way to your side of the street.

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ClearTheFog


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I have no ESH on this, but plenty of hugs and prayers for you and your son, and for you to keep working your program.

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Bettina


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Deb,

As we are powerless over the A, we are also powerless over other people, especially those who are ignorant of Alcoholism.

Your parents are loving their grandson to death. This is the time to turn it over to your HP.....

Remember Deb, your son is equipped with his own HP and has his path to Journey. Step back and watch the miracles, if
you turn it over and let go and let God. Whatever your understanding of God is.

Have faith that the plan is working for you and your son, stay close to Alanon and don't forget your meetings and literature.

Keep coming back,
Bettina

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Bettina
Jerry F


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((((Debbie))))..."Alcoholism affects everyone it comes in to contact with..."  That was part of the definition of alcoholism which we use to read at the start over every meeting when I first got thru the doors of Al-Anon.  Still there were many then and are many now who will not open themselves up to more awareness preferring to react with fear to this hopeless condition.   Your Dad and Mom are struggling with powerlessness and like in the disease are scrambling for more power...yours again and not open to listening to your ESH.  Maybe this might help.  It is the American Medical Associations definition of alcoholism and not your. http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/alcoholism.  Might your Dad want to hear it from someone else rather than you?.  Some people are like that...they discount and diminish the ESH of others in favor of it from someone or where else.   Who knows maybe their HP will help them make the connection.  AA central offices do have the ability and facility to connect a suffering alcoholic up with a recoverying one.  I have been on "wet" calls and the success of them has always been; as first told, dependant upon the willingness of the sick alcoholic to get and receive help.   Stay powerless and turn the entire thing over to HP.    "God can and will if...He is sought".   (((((hugs))))) smile



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hotrod


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I have no words Debbie  I so understand and will hold you and your dear family in my prayers



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Turris


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Dear Debbie,

 

I'm so glad you're here with us and hope you're getting all the support you need.

 

 

I also got a lot of "surely there must be something you can do?" from family and friends,

when I was battling my moms addiction. And it made me feel awful every time! They weren't

there, they didn't know what was going on! 

 

In the end, there was nothing I could do to make it better for mom, couldn't control her, or force her to meetings,

or force her to get friends (believe me, I tried). I could help myself though, and that's what I opted to do.

 

I don't really have any advice, but it didn't sound like there is anything you could do to make the situation better.

On the other hand, there are probably many things you could do that would make the situation *worse*; enabling,

hiding his alcohol abuse, etc.

 

It's difficult when the disease tears up the family, but at least there shouldn't be such problems in al-anon. The steps are consistent

and that's why you'll always have the strength from that unity, no one's going to blame you or guilt you into anything, and we don't

judge you for looking out for yourself. 

I couldn't really find the words, but I'm going to post this anyways. We're here for you. :)   



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