The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems the better I get at detaching from my A/A's (daughter and her son), I feel spiritually disconnected from them, I know I still love them, but I mostly feel sadness/fear when I think of them, sad because of their bad choices/circumstances they are in and fear they will try to con/manipulate me in some way.
My grandson told me his mom got a 3 day pay or quit notice on the 8th. I'm learning how to let go and let Got, but I feel like they are being thrown out in the dirty dish water. That's the only way I know how to do it, I know I need to feel this now because I know it wont be a pretty sight seeing her homeless again.
A member in my f/f meeting said her husband who had a good business, a good family had to lose everything due to his addiction to meth. including his teeth, she emphasized losing his teeth, saying it a couple of times. It reminded me of my beautiful daughter who has also lost most of her teeth to this terrible drug, it's really clear to me that I can't do anything to fix or save her or her few belongings she has left. I'm thinking she will lose her sec 8 housing certificate with this eviction.
My granddaughter went back to her dad's on Tues. and I haven't spoken to my daughter or her son since then. I do want to talk to her, because I did enjoy seeing my granddaughter and her enjoying each other, we all spent some time together, including her son and my great granddaughter and great grandson.
Now I'm afraid to call her because I don't want to get involed in any way with what is going on with the eviction. I feel so sorry for her. I don't know what she will do, how she will move her belongings, where she will store them, because she has no money. All I know is I can't help her, she can't store her belonging at my house, I'm not giving her money for a moving van etc. I've been there done this several times in the past. Now that she doesn't have any income it's even worst (her income had been her youngest son's ss check, she had put him out a few months before he turned 18, but she wanted to continue getting his check, he applied to be his own payee 2 months after he turned 18 and now get his check.) He is living with me and is doing well.
I broke up with my male friend, a few months ago, due to his issue of alcohol (beer) 4-6 cans during week-end and marijuana use (for medical) he claimed. I was able to deal with it because I only saw him 1-2 weeks-ends a month and his life was "normal" maintained his own home, had car, truck and didn't ask me for anything. Anyway, long story about why I decided I didn't want to be with him anymore, no abuse, just mostly spiritual disconnection and inability to connect emotionally at times. Which I felt had to do with his addiction. I think I continued in the relationship as long as I did because it was a distraction from my A/A's. Now I feel so lost, empty and lonely, I'm tempted to reconnect with him, even though I know nothing has changed, because he didn't understand what our problems were.
I know I can't rush a healthy relationship and it will happen in God's own time, but I hate being loney. I do have friends, church, al-anon, hobbies, but I miss my daughter so much and feel the emptiness is due to our spiritual disconnection. I'm working hard at being happy joyous and free.
Thank you for your prayers!
Gettingitright!!
-- Edited by Highlyfavored on Friday 16th of August 2013 12:49:07 PM
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
I know what your going through. I sometimes have those feelings but they do pass. My son was evicted, had lots of furniture, electronics and many things he had to take care of. I don't know what is happening but now that it's done I don't worry as much. There was nothing I could do to help him this time. He made his choice and I'm not going to make it easy for him ever again. Something John said to me.......let it happen and then see how you feel. So You can always step in but let it happen. A/A's usually find a way to get by.....they are very good at it.....like they are good at manipulation of us. My son I think always wanted to take the easy way out...but guess what...it didn't happen this time. He still has his phone and he's playing words with friends with me so I'm guess he's not too bad off. When he's playing I know he's sober......no money no booze.
I am powerless so I proved it to myself......I let go let God. Now peace is truly setting in because what I feared most happened and now it's over and done with. Practice Practice Practice to get ready for the next lesson.
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 16th of August 2013 11:32:04 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
When I am feeling like going to meet the crazy train I get busy, up meetings, read more al-anon and read here at MIP. I hope you can find healthy hobbies to keep you heading in the direction that is best for you! Take care of you whether it be exercise, relaxation or just getting with some girlfriends and get out. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Sounds like you're grieving to me, HF. Those are the feelings we experience as we let go of what was to accept what is. It is good you have established boundaries for yourself in the no helping with all of this category because it sounds as if you wouldn't be giving from a place of peace and desire to do so in this case. Going against our own integrity makes grief work much harder. Al-Anon also offers a book that I think is called Discovering Choices that is all dedicated to grief work. Your group might have it or might order it for you? You could probably purchase it through our Al-Anon Headquarters, too? It was very helpful to me when I read it several years ago. One thing I've learned in the letting go process with my own children and grandson is that what happens on one day can change dramatically on another day. Working to stay focused on myself one day at a time, allowing my grief to issue forth, reaching out to friends to let them know I need some company, and even writing letters that I never mail
to my kids have all helped to get me through these challenging times in better shape than if I didn't use any of them as tools to help me deal with my life as it is, my fears, my regrets in addition to Al-Anon meetings and fellowship. I am really sorry things feel so painful and challenging to you right now. This all will also pass and you will make it through the hard times with the help of people who care about you. (((HF)))
I do so understand the feeling "of lost and empty". When I experienced this I also upped my meetings, increased my prayer, meditations and exercise. Took Yoga classes and went swimming at the gym every day. It helped to keep the focus on myself.
Please try to Let go and Let God handle this impossible situation
((((Highly Favored)))) as I started growing in my own recovery I came to hear the fellowship talk about the "God shaped hole" which I came to understand was the hole created by the absense of love and loved ones. I came to understand my grief and anxiety and anger which was because I was trying to fill the God shaped hole with people who didn't fit and wouldn't qualify because they just couldn't. Only God can fit in the God shaped hole and in order to do that I had to build a relationship with my Higher Power; God; Akua thru living steps 2 - 3 10 - 12 on a daily basis from the moment I wake up and swing my feet to the floor until the moment I sit at the edge of my bed and swing my feet under the covers. For me God fits nicely, easily within the hole and there isn't any room for any other kind of Higher Power...I am the watcher of that front gate...none is allowed. Live your steps work your sponsor and program....practice, practice, practice...you are powerless and therefore free. Keep coming back...you're doing good. ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for your helpful responses and prayers. I do get lazy about doing some of the things I know I should do, like exercising, volunteering in community services etc. I'll get busy and Jerry I love the tip about the God hole, you are so right on about that.
Love you all!
Gettingitright!!
P.S. grateful, I have that book, I remember how helpful it was, I will start reading it again.
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
(((HF))) I see awareness, acceptance and getting ready for action in your post. I'm going to get up and start doing some stuff today, too. Glad you already have the book. I looked around last night and for some reason couldn't find mine. I'm glad you can find yours. I hope your day is peaceful and filled with gentleness today.
