The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He is leaving for a week tomorrow and he thought it would be nice to spend some time together before he goes. I've been praying and pleading that I can get over myself and stop being so miserable. He sometimes will call me a sourpuss and he is right, I am. I don't want to be miserable. Anyway, we did go out to spend some time together and with prayer and compassion from my HP I was able to fake enough that I was enjoying myself. It wasn't terrible, it was just-- well, it wasn't terrible.
He has been bragging ever since that we were able to spend some quality time together. Wow! we spent more than one day over the weekend together. Yahoo. I finally said as he was bragging to someone, "do you know ho that sounds? there are a lot of couples that do this every weekend. (usually he is out doing his hobby) He announced to me: its nice to see you smile.
Part of me thinks he knows the why. He knows that I am close to done with all of this. I can't even explain how much alcohol sickens me. I can't stand it. I know people must think I have a "holier than thou" attitude, and I don't feel better than anyone. I never even say anything when people are drinking around me. I just hate it. By the way. there is peer pressure for all ages, not just high school. It is unbelievable how many people try to get me to have "just one drink".
I feel guilty for being sick of this, guilty for sometimes him making me sick (gasp, I said it) I feel guilty as if I am ruining his fun. Guilty because I don't want to be involved in anything that includes drinking. I feel guilty because I am writing about him and talking to other people about this.
It is sickening dealing with alcoholism. No matter if you have it - or live with it. Good awareness. Awareness is what you need to bring to the table so you can hear solutions. I was so bound up that I didn't even know how I was feeling... and I was scared to know. But I had to identify what I was feeling to relate to those around me... and by relating to those around me in the rooms... I was able to find hope - the steps - the fellowship... and heal. Still at it : )
I spent the day with my Dad today. He's essentially just a dry drunk now - and I've been doing extra work in the program for the last few days because I knew it was coming. I still did terribly. I totally gave in to his stuff AGAIN! But it's just one day. I can forgive myself... accept that I have more work to do at being assertive and standing up for myself and what I really feel and want... and keep trying. It wasn't always so. Sometimes I just went down down down... spiraling out of control in various ways. Trying to make myself feel more in control through crazy angry cleaning, or shopping, or nitpicking others - my kids - husband etc. But I don't do any of that today - so it's progress.
Progress not perfection.
We did end on a happy note - and I was calmed down before he even left. So the start and the end were good lol. That is real progress for me!
I have hope because I see the program work for others... so I keep coming back. Hope you do too.
Guilt!! Oh my...I remember that in spades and then someone in the program mentioned and talked about the 3Cees and the guilt went away. It is a disease not a moral issue. I wasn't bad...I was sick and I learned to stay away from the disease to get better and stay better. Love the post. ((((hugs)))) Keep coming back.
I don't hate alcohol, but I do hate what it can do to some people and to entire families. I don't like being around people who drink and it isn't because I feel holier than them. I've got my own issues I'm working on. I don't like being around people who drink because I like to relate to people and when that drunken high hits somebody, they are no longer there. I like being with folks who are present. I don't feel guilty about it. It is just what is true about me and where I feel at home and don't feel at home.
I can relate to you, I think we all can. You are sick and tired. Don't feel guilty, his drinking does play a big part of it.
Thats no reason to deny yourself the pleasure of smiliing, after all don't tell me all your happiness derives from him.
Do things for yourself that you enjoy and if that means not including alcohol then make a new boundary for yourself.
Alanon meetings should be part of the answer also, you won't find any drinking there! lol
Keep practicing, keep in touch with your HP, meditate, read uplifting books, we can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. Its up to us.
"Part of me thinks he knows the why. He knows that I am close to done with all of this. I can't even explain how much alcohol sickens me. I can't stand it. I know people must think I have a "holier than thou" attitude, and I don't feel better than anyone."
Is it possible that your alcoholic husband is trying to deflect attention away from his drinking and put attention on your "sourpuss" attitude? You are not a sourpuss, party pooper, etc. because you don't want to be around someone who is stinking drunk. Spouses, partners, family members in Alanon have shared about finally drinking along with alcoholic loved ones in the hopes of the improving the relationship. Not a good option. You seem to be choosing to be true to yourself and honor your own feelings about the drinking. You can be proud of yourself that.
As far as the guilt ... do you think it might be because of the comment about the smile and the one day of enjoyment you had with him? Do you think you had him all wrong and should lighten up and stop getting in the way of all the pleasure he is having drinking? Maybe that's your husband motive - to have you believe you're making a big deal over it. Maybe he's guilty.
I hope you won't secondguess your own feelings based on the thinking of an active alcoholic. Please continue to trust your gut and continue respecting your feelings. Positive attention and enjoyable time with him shouldn't be based on your condoning his drinking to relieve his guilt about doing it. His love is not a commodity for you to buy. I hope you'll keep coming back to recovery with us. Do your best to separate him as a person from his disease and enjoy the moments but please continue to be true to you. You are worth that! Hugs :) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 07:24:20 AM
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