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Hi All, I am new here. I have attended a few online meetings and one F2F meeting last week. My A husband was so angry that I went to a F2F meeting. He doesn't know about the online ones.
He has been dry a week. This resulted from an incident in which he drank way too much, embarrassed himself, and embarrassed and upset me. I think that the only reason he took it more seriously this time is that his father was present for all of this and sat him down with me and had a mini-intervention of sorts. I have had this conversation with him time and time again and he has paused drinking for a while, then resumed - the usual cycle. I think he took it a little more seriously because his father was there and talked to him with me. I also told him that if he drinks again I will leave. Now that I have been reading Al-Anon literature I realize we probably should not have talked to him like we did and should have let him manage his own life. But it is done. I am trying to let go of managing him from here on out.
I want to go to Al-Anon again this Friday but have faced so much anger from him. He thinks that because he is not drinking (for 9 days now) that everything should be fine now. I am spending much time thinking about his drinking, past events, what the future holds for us. I want Al-Anon for me. He has not mentioned his drinking/not drinking hardly at all, does not want to go to AA because "they will think he is not bad enough to be there." He has already made jokes about the bad incident he had that caused him to say he will not drink. Shows me he thinks this will all blow over if he minimizes it. Also he is not religious and is close minded to the fact that he can choose his own HP. Not that he wants to go to AA regardless of religiousness or not. He is sullen, angry, negative, sarcastic, anxious, depressed - the same drinking or not drinking, which is why I know he needs a program! He is spending all his time playing video games in the dark basement and planning elaborate home/yard projects that we can't afford because he needs something to focus on since he is not drinking. Just the absence of alcohol is not enough. But it is not my decision to make.
I have tried to tell him Al-Anon is for me but it like talking to a brick wall - an angry brick wall. He replied he was so angry because "It tells me what you think of me." Meaning I think he is an A / has a problem with alcohol - which is true and he already knows I think that! Have for years! He has also told me not to talk to anyone about it. (red flag)
I am going to go anyway.
Thanks for listening.
Edited to add: Please share your experience, strength, and hope! :)
-- Edited by gingerfizz on Tuesday 13th of August 2013 12:23:51 PM
I'm new too gingerfizz
I haven't mentioned alanon to my A at all. I'm going to my first f2f meeting tomorrow and regardless of how it goes, he won't hear about it. One thing I have learnt is that as an active addict, he will use anything and everything I provide him with against me, to justify and feed his addiction. I've always been such a believer in total disclosure and honesty but I'm starting to learn that when living with an addict, this is actually not such a great idea.
I can relate to all that you have written- and my A played computer games in the dark for years- in fact it got so bad he ended up unemployed and drinking and playing for 18+ hours a day and screaming at me or throwing things or even hitting me if I tried to enter the room! He even slept next to his computer, that's how bad it got. I actually ended up here after I joined a site for computer-game addicts/anons and started to learn about not enabling etc. I told him about that group and he was furious and carried on about it all the time (crazy logic like- well, you have your online friends so why can't I have mine- I was on there for maybe an hour a day? Not 18?) So no way I am telling him about alanon.
He is in denial about everything, all the time. He feels his drinking is no big deal because "he just has an addictive personality", so what- as if it's just a lovable trait of his. And yes, sullen, angry, negative, sarcastic, anxious, depressed, all the time and it's always my fault in every way. He drinks a 700ml bottle of whiskey and then beers almost every night and claims he "doesn't get drunk he just has a high tolerance".
I also relate strongly to the planning elaborate projects; good grief we rent a house and have no assets at all in fact he is deeply in debt, and yet last time he "recovered" he was constantly trying to show me houses he thought we should buy- I don't mean living residences, I mean giant multi-million dollar mansions that he thought I could run as a bed and breakfast!! I assume in his fantasy I was going to provide for us while he enjoyed himself. He didn't even have a job. It was mental.
Right now he's embroiled in an online gambling "plan" that he believes will make him a billionaire. It's exhausting and proof that he cannot in any way face the reality of his situation.
So...of to a f2f meeting I go. I hope you go too. And maybe don't mention it to him, let him think you've changed your mind and you have some other appointment to get to. I don't think sharing this with them helps at all.
So happy that both of you have found al anon and this forum. They will help you heal your hearts and your souls IF you stay involved and work your recovery one day at a time. Living with active addicts steals you away from you and sucks you into their sick behaviors. We can never put our trust and sanity into their hands. Keep surrounding yourself with other people in recovery and let go of whatever you have done in the past..you did not know better. Remind yourself often of the 3 c's: we did not cause their addictive behaviors, we cannot control their addictive behaviors and we cannot cure their addictive behaviors. You can replace "addictive behaviors" with alcoholism, sexual addictions, gambling addictions, etc...whatever fits. You are powerless over their addictions (step 1). Al anon will help you to keep the focus and healing on you and your precious life. All the best, we are here for you. (((hugs)))
You already realize that Al-Anon is for you, and that's awesome!
When I first told my AH that I was going to a f2f meeting he was angry too. Then after a few months he started telling his mom that she needed to go. When I don't go he asks me why I'm not there. So for me and what I've experienced the anger and resentment turned into appreciation.
So glad to hear from you! Keep taking care of you!!!! I know how hard it is in the beginning but we can promise you that your life will get so much better in Al-Anon as well as we can promise you that your life will get worse if you choose to allow your AH make your decisions..My husband went through periods that he didn't like me being in Al-Anon but we learn here, when one person changes and gets into recovery...it will affect others..sometimes it does get worse before it gets better but keep coming back! Today my husband is sober and is grateful for Al-anon having saved our marriage! Now, that IS NOT THE TUNE HE WAS SINGING YEARS AGO!! There is so much HOPE here Ginger!! You already feel you can benefit from Al-Anon, listen to your gut, it will not let you down:)
Thank you for sharing! see you in the meeting tonight at 9:00:)
Melly, thank you, you inspired me to look at some online gaming addiction sites and it was validating! Also, I do think I need to think about how I may be enabling the video game playing as well. Good luck at your first F2F meeting!
PP, thank you for the kind words and support. You're right, I didn't know any better in the past! One of my favorite phrases is, "You can't know what you don't know." It definitely applies here.
Jackie, thank you for the encouragement! I certainly hope it turns out that way for me! May I ask if your A is active in AA?
Mimi3, thank you so much for the HOPE! I will try to be there at 9 tonight but I'm not sure. I just realized that if I keep going to online meetings it appears to my husband that I am being as computer addicted as he is - because when he says "what are you doing?" I say surfing the web or reading the news. He may try to use my computer time against me! But oh well, I need to do this for me. What he thinks of me is none of my business! Going to online meetings gives me a nice little reminder/refocus on the steps and slogans, and a jolt of support to get through my day/evening.
I went to one F2F meeting about 2 years ago, and didn't continue. I went to my 2nd one last week! I have been reading about Al-Anon stuff online for a while and have the Courage to Change book, and I have several years of counseling under my belt. Also, I am a self help addict ;) I collect phrases and slogans of any type that can help me in my life!
It's easy for me to say/tell myself that what he thinks of me is none of my business, but I am still working on truly feeling/believing/accepting that in my heart! That's why I need to do this work!
I so wish I had continued going. And that is helpful that you asked me that. Because right now I am feeling a lot of pressure from AH to return to status quo/everything is fine, because he is not drinking right now.
He may not be drinking, but the disease is still progressing. Al-Anon is creating a shift for your relationship already. This is a good thing no matter how many control maneuvers the disease throws onto your path. If it wasn't creating the shift - there wouldn't be the tension. Keep going to Al-Anon and if anger turns threatening - there are steps you can take to keep yourself safe and still go to Al-Anon. Face to face meetings will give you support from others that you will need as you continue to heal from the effects of this disease.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 04:29:25 AM
To answer your question no my A has no recovery program.
One of the things that is said in the meeting greeting is that you can find happiness and contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Every situation is unique, and yet we share the common thread of having to deal with this crazy insane disease.
I love and appreciate the support found in the rooms as well as on this board!
I can relate to your situation very much; it is wonderful that you see Alanon is for you, and it's tough for us to break the pattern of explaining ourselves to our As but it is completely your decision to go to meetings and if your AH has a problem with that, it is solely HIS problem. You will continue to gain strength and wisdom from attending meetings no question about it.
The stronger you get the better things will be and you will be living your life with peacefulness. Keep coming back, reading the literature, and getting to meetings.
He may not be drinking, but the disease is still progressing. Al-Anon is creating a shift for your relationship already. This is a good thing no matter how many control maneuvers the disease throws onto your path. If it wasn't creating the shift - there wouldn't be the tension. Keep going to Al-Anon and if anger turns threatening - there are steps you can take to keep yourself safe and still go to Al-Anon. Face to face meetings will give you support from others that you will need as you continue to heal from the effects of this disease.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 04:29:25 AM
You are right! I am a big believer in creating shifts and changing patterns! And this pattern needs to be changed! Thank you for your insight.
I can relate to your situation very much; it is wonderful that you see Alanon is for you, and it's tough for us to break the pattern of explaining ourselves to our As but it is completely your decision to go to meetings and if your AH has a problem with that, it is solely HIS problem. You will continue to gain strength and wisdom from attending meetings no question about it.
The stronger you get the better things will be and you will be living your life with peacefulness. Keep coming back, reading the literature, and getting to meetings.
wishing you strength
YF
Thank you, I know this in my heart but validation always helps!!
To answer your question no my A has no recovery program.
One of the things that is said in the meeting greeting is that you can find happiness and contentment whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Every situation is unique, and yet we share the common thread of having to deal with this crazy insane disease.
I love and appreciate the support found in the rooms as well as on this board!
Is your A "dry" as well with no program? Thanks for your support. I love this board so far as well and have been welcomed so kindly :)
