The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can share my own experience with Step 4 to some degree. I began having flashbacks of things that had happened to me as a child that I had repressed. These memories were so powerful that there were times I'd have to get up and leave my desk at work to take a walk and walk off the energy that accompanied these memories. I couldn't predict when they'd happen or where they'd happen. They just happened. I couldn't talk to others about them, they were too painful and too hard to express. I also wanted to protect the people I saw in my memories and so I kept a lot of what I saw to myself. On the other hand, I also saw things I had done and repressed. So, it was like a double whammy all happening within a course of a few months. The best thing folks could do was not to ask me questions or press me to talk. I worked it out within myself and had to do that for myself. I can't say this is what your bf is experiencing, but it could be. As you know from AA, it is suggested that this step be done with a sponsor.
One thing I learned in a pastoral care and counseling class I took was this: "The thing that is driving you most crazy about another person may be the very thing that is helping them stay sane." Patience, letting him be where he is, not asking questions and keeping things light while you attend AA and Al-Anon meetings might be the best thing and most loving thing you can do for both you and him? I hope he has a sponsor to help him through this step or an Al-Anon buddy? If not, I guess I'd just let him be unless he invites me to offer some experience with my own Step 4?
Others will respond to you with more wisdom to share in this area than I, but I did want to share my own experience with you when it came to that Step. Whatever is going on with him right now probably is due only to him and his issues, so perhaps not taking his behavior personally - unless of course it is abuse - might help you release some of your own negative feelings? Easy Does It comes to mind as I type this, too. Much support for you. It's not easy to see a loved one suffering and to be powerless over their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 12th of August 2013 06:36:58 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 12th of August 2013 08:04:06 PM
Hi everyone. I am a double dipper of both AA and Al Anon and I have completed the 12 steps in AA. My lover and I have been together for 3 years.
He has recently gone to Al Anon, gotten a sponsor and begun the 12 steps. His father is in AA, his step father was a rage-a-holic and I am in AA (he is surrounded!).
He recently mentioned that he was at step 4.
He told me about two weeks ago that he would be starting step 4. I prepared myself to be gentle, because I remember what it was like for me. He has been very depressive, aloof, hard to reach and distracted. When I asked him how things were going he said he had not started his 4th step.
That was another week ago. I really want to support him and be there in a kind and loving manner. I continue to do my own self care, 10th, 11th and 12th steps. Even thought I want to be there, I have noticed myself getting resentful, sad and distant from him, it feels like he is so different. I want to be there in the best way possible, but I find myself worrying about him and getting frustrated with his behavior. I have been keeping it to myself for the most part, because I know how hard it can be, but recently I find myself concocting ways to manipulate the situation, overly encouraging him to start the step, pushing him to go to meetings and asking all the time what is wrong, or if there is anything I can do.
Does anyone have any experience, suggestions or hope on how to be there for someone during hard times of recovery?
I would really appreciate any help. Thank you so much for listening.
Just enjoy the fun times you share and steer clear of his recovery. Keeping it simple and having those boundaries will keep you sane. That's my best suggestion. I love my partner but there are just some things he has to do on his own. I'm there to support him when I can but it's really just enjoying each other's company. I overcomplicated relationships before.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Congratulations on your continued sobriety . I see that you are a "double dipper" a member of both alanon and AA. and have worked the Steps in AA and are maintaining Steps 10, 11 and 12. That is great
Being a member of alanon I suggest that you take the focus off your friend and their work in program and begin to work the Steps for yourself from the alanon viewpoint.
In alanon we acknowledge that we are powerless over people, places and things, begin to trust a higher power for guidance and then do a searching moral inventory . It is in this inventory I found out my destructive behaviors in relationships, and friendships I saw how I manipulated, tried to control, acted one way and believed something else. . Looking at myself in this manner gave me enough to do so that I could not worry about my partner.
You are re both worth it so please keep showing up and working the Steps
Hi "double dipper" I would leave his recovery alone...Recovery is intense...personal....something that a person just has to do on their own, in their own way...your job is to work on your program and your recovery......You can be a couple, do stuff to have fun, hang out, be together, but some stuff needs a "hands off" and another person's recovery is one of those "hands off" things....If you meddle in his recovery, it will do two things.....irritate him and possibly cause friction.... and derail the work you need to do on you.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha Recovery...welcome to the board. Your post brings back some very toxic memories for me. My then wife, and alcoholic/addict was active in AA and I wasn't active at all. She came home one night and asked me if I thought she was alcoholic and I said no...She went out on another 5 year run which almost killed her. I learned in hindsight, later on, that the enabler (anyone can be one) was often the excuse and the doorway for the addicted to manipulate a relapse. The point is that addictive relationships are toxic and very negatively involved unless each person can self focus with the intent of staying out of the other persons business. I didn't do that and I participated in the relapse. Body language is 70%+ of all communications. There wasn't and isn't anyway for me to hid that I am and how I am affected in my relationships. Others react to body language and often if it is negative the outcomes are non-supportive. Your partner has a sponsor and it is not you...your partner also hopefully has a higher power and that isn't you either...Leave him to his program, his higher power and his sponsor and take care of what you are supposed to do for your recovery. By the way I am also a double and that can be doubly dangerous when I think some how or ever I am doubly blessed...I'm not. I still have a higher power and sponsor also. We still get to stay in our own sandbox and we still get to keep our ownside of the street clean. Um and also another hint...don't compare programs and/or how they are worked and keep anonymity alive. I have never ever shared what has been shared personally in either program with my spouse or anyone else by name. Steps and Traditions.
I feel what you feel on this... not today... but I have. I remember it well. It's powerful. This is the person you love. You know the joy they could have.
Taking away from their learning process would be like taking away a kids training wheels too soon. I have wanted to do it. But if they want those training wheels... they get to have them as long as they want. They get to learn from their own 'mistakes' or character defects on THEIR HP's watch - not yours. It's so painful to watch. But you don't have to look. You just want to. You think you're being loving because your forgetting that being loving is blessing them with the freedom you want - and the acceptance to be exactly who we are at every moment.
What else can you do to show him love?
Hmmmmm... there is only one thing... my FAVORITE alanon slogan: Let it begin with me.
You GET TO be an example of recovery. That's what you get to do. That's THE ONLY thing you get to do. We might end up in the door because of someone else... but from there... we must make it our own.
I thought it was me who got my husband into recovery, and my husband who got me into recovery... but we each walked through the door, stayed through the meeting, listened and kept going back. It's a program of attraction. Both Alanon and AA are the same in this way - so just like in AA, you really can't do anything to keep people sober or make them drink... here in this program, you can't really do anything to make people recover, or fall away... we learn we can not control people places or things.... BUT YOU CAN... stay in the program(s) yourself. Be an example of recovery... and keep the light on.
Here we learn about loving ourselves so we can better love others. What about you now Love? What can you do to love yourself through this time? How can you ensure that your lovetank is on full? What are some things you can do to be gentle with yourself... that will give you the strength you need to live with a sick and suffering person?
Remember above all - when you feel yourself getting mad - that you are mad at the disease of alcoholism... not at him. Treat him as a sick friend... read that part again in the BB maybe? Whatever you do... never give up on you.
-- Edited by Tasha on Tuesday 13th of August 2013 02:14:48 PM
Your right step 4 is when we are at our most vulnerable . same answer for me this is his stuff leave him to work it out himself . A quick hug to reassure him that you understand . For me the hardest part of any situation is minding my own business . MYOB. Just my opinion here but the last person I would share my 4th step with is the alcoholic in my life , mainly because I would not want to hurt him/or her .a trusted Al-Anon member is the solution for me . Louise
Wow. Thank you everyone for all of your words. It is really helping me to see your words. I never thought about many of the things that you have all shared and your experience is truly helpful.
Thank you so much! I feel amazing and full of Gratitude :)
I remember when it was time for me to do Step 4 in alanon. I was excited at first because i was slowly but surely progressing, I even got the Blue Print for Progress work book. I flipped through it really quick and all of a sudden I was terrified. I just wasn't ready to own up to my character defects, and I hadn't even thought about adding in all my good qualities which it very important. That little workbook sat next to me on the table almost a year before I could face my demons. No one pushed or urged me to do it before I was ready, which was good because I had much to learn before I could do an honest assessment of myself. When I finally finished it and it was time for me to share it with another person, I was horrified to even think about that. For sure I would be rejected by my sponsor, or other people. I had made a very good friend in the group, she and I are much alike. She also couldn't bring herself to share her step 4 with her sponsor. So we shared it with each other. We had developed such a close relationship we were sure we wouldn't judge one another. And we didn't. After sharing it with her it finally gave me the freedom to speak of some of these things in meetings. Again no rejection, but the fear was still right there.
I guess what I am trying to say is everyone works at their own pace, no one could have encouraged me or made me do my 4th step before I was ready without it causing a resentment.
So work your program to the best of your ability and let your partner have the dignity and freedom to work his to the best of his ability. For some of us we are late bloomers but we get there eventually get to where we are going
God Bless
Thank you so much. This is really helping me. In fact listening to everyone over the last few days had allowed me to detach with love and refocus. Thank you all so much for your inspiration and honesty.
