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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Going to be seeing my family this weekend -need strength
Post Info TOPIC: Going to be seeing my family this weekend -need strength
grateful2be


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Going to be seeing my family this weekend -need strength
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I feel anxious when I am going to spend any time with some of my siblings. They drink to excess and can be mean drunks. They know exactly what to do and what to say that can be deeply injurious to me. I've had to spend time with them sometimes when my Dad has been hospitalized and we've all gone to look after him. I'd take their abuse because I didn't want to upset my Dad. One day, my brother unloaded on me AGAIN, and it was in my Dad's hospital room. For some reason, I chose to feed back to him in mirror form everything he was saying to me. I didn't sit quietly crying as he hammered away at me. My Dad was quiet through all of this and surprised most especially at me. I'd always kept quiet about the mental and emotional abuse I'd taken from siblings - again in an effort to protect my Dad from upset. I can still remember his blue eyes shooting open and looking at me as if he'd never seen me before. My brother left the room - probably taken aback by my handing him his stuff right back to him.

I said to my Dad what was true. "Dad. I know you love us. I know you like peace. I'm sorry P____ chose this room to unload on me in front of you, but he felt safe to do it. This is how he and some of the others treat me. I've taken it for years in an effort to protect you from upset and to keep our stuff away from you and Mom. I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm not going to let them abuse me any more. I'm not going to try to protect you. I know you don't want us to argue. I know you want me as the eldest to look out for them. Well, they aren't kids anymore. The youngest is 47. I know you're disappointed in me right now. I'm sorry about that. But, I'm also a person who has reached her limit. Its not my job to accept abuse from their hands because I am the oldest."

My Dad said to me: "I want you to respect each other." I apologized for using the same curse words my brother did, but that was all. Then, Dad said, "You are my daughter. I don't care what the others think about you. I love you. I'm proud of you. That's all that matters."

My anxiety stopped that day. It did because I stood up for myself in a way I knew my brother would understand. He wouldn't like it. He'd cold shoulder me even more. But, he would no longer mentally and emotionally abuse me. This I knew. I also lost the anxiety because I no longer cared what my Dad would think or how he would react. He'd raised 10 kids without my help. He could stand seeing me let my brother receive a taste of his own medicine. It wasn't my job to protect my Dad's feelings either.

I can't tell you to spend time with your parents or not. I can say that anxiety isn't always helped by avoiding an encounter with a reality that might need to be addressed. I didn't handle the situation perfectly. I was ashamed of myself for cursing. But, I also reclaimed my own personhood that day and stood up for myself in a way nobody else could or would do for me. I let everybody else own their own. Lots of support for you as you decide what is in your best interest in relationship to yourself and to your parents.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 12th of August 2013 08:15:11 PM

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willowtree


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I am going to be seeing my parents this weekend and camping with them.  I feel so terrible physically because of the stress.  I always try and be nice and invite others and now I wish I didn't because my anxiety leading up to it is so bad.  I can barely clean my house and my body is hurting all over.  I honestly feel like being around my mom is toxic but I also am glad her and I have somewhat of a relationship now.  But I got excited and invited them to our cabin and they will be next to us.  Usually we go every year and have a wonderful time just my husband and our kids (not my parents).  I have tried to use the alanon tools for my anxiety with this and it isnt helping.  I have been praying and everything and trying to let go and let God.  But sometimes I believe that the alanon program does not allow for the internal trauma that happened to us and I feel that my body is telling me that I should not put myself in a situation like this with my mom. I sometimes feel like alanon needs to focus more on feeling pieces too and not just logical analytical stuff because this is so hard for me right now.  Have any of you experienced your body physically telling you that a situation coming up was not good for you?  The thing is that I am still going to go because the cabin is booked but being around my mom is so hard for me because of all of the abuse I suffered and my dad just sat back passivley and did nothing.  To this day he is like a walking zombie and hardly talks...sometimes I just wish he would come up to me and hug me and tell me he loves me....it was just never safe to hug him growing up - he didn't want to be touched and I know that it isn't all his fault but it doesn't take away from the fact that I deserved and deserve to have parents who love me and embrace me.  I feel like a freaking orphan and other people have moms and dads to go to and I have myself and my husband and a few alanon members but I just don't have anyone close yet.  I don't even have any energy to pack right now or clean anything in my house.  I am a mess.  Sorry for this negative post but I am hurting and need some support.  Glad I have you all.



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Bettina


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Hi Willowtree,

So my question to you is, if its that bad to be around your Mom, then why are you going to be around your Mom? I fully understand what your talking about and I empathize with you.

I know how its feels to put yourself in a situation and then wonder, why the hell did I do this. Its like sabotaging yourself. Its like the insanity that Alanon talks about, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You made the decision and now your wondering why Alanon doesnt take care of you in these difficult moments. Do you believe in a HP that you can turn too. Turn it over Willow and keep practicing and you will understand that being around your Mother is not good for you and you will change it, because if your not changing it, your choosing it.

One of the lessons of life is facing our realities and accepting what is. I understand what that is , having a difficult relationship with my own Mother. I know now that she just doesnt have the capacity. Your parents , don't have the capacity.

So I say to you, Stop hurting yourself. Keep with the program and keep enjoying what there is to enjoy , your kids your husband, focus on that.

BUT keep coming back.

Hugs, Bettina

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Bettina
Mimi3


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Willow~

Glad you are here and reaching out! Stick close to the program:)

One thing is for sure...when we make a decision, to only find out that it is not good for us, we will get the opportunity later down the road to make a new decision..

We do get to do the same things over and over until we get it figured out...It sounds like you know your mom is not good for you...mine was not good for me for a time either. I chose to walk away for a period of time to work this program and to heal..to learn that if I forgive, its for me and not the other person and I can be set free..but most importantly is good healthy boundaries that keep YOU HEALTHY AND SAFE:) we do not have to people please but when I do choose to do that, yes indeed my body lets me know!! Everything goes crazy inside me...I used to always be told, "YOU have good instincts, listen to your gut" it won't mislead you. I found that to be very true in my life and recovery:) If you continue to keep coming back, Al-Anon really does have the answer to all of your questions and when we learn to practice these principles in ALL OF OUR AFFAIRS, we stand a chance at a wonderful healthy, happy, joyous & free life!

Prayers & strength being sent to (((YOU)))



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Debilyn


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You know I can relate to those feelings, just not about the same thing. For me one thing was I went back to college as an adult. This one algebra porfessor was Asian. I could not understand him, class was noisy too. I got behind, frustrated stressed did not know what to do etc. worried it would ruin my grants etc if I dropped it etc. Finally it hurt so much, I dropped it, felt instantly relieved and it was all ok. whew.

I know now that if something stresses me that badly, I have a right to say no, I am not going to do this.

Maybe for you having your parents there is too much. you are not ready for that. So if it were me, I would call them and tell them you guys have decided to just take the kids to the cabin. But maybe invite them to go out to dinner with You guys sometime.

It would be honest to say you are not feeling that great, and need to actually rest and nap.  Honey I love the,"To Thine Own Self Be True." When we are true to our self, we honestly feel better. My first A went to parties and out to listen to our friend play music with out me all the time. I chose this. I did not want to leave my kids. Also would not allow them at the parties he went to in the day time as they would be drinking, smoking and smoking pot.

Other people had kids there. I just was not having my kids around that.

I will put my foot down for me. I accept the consequences. I do not celebrate man made holidays. So I did not go to my husbands moms place. I did not care what any of them thought. She was mean to me, a liar, two faced.

I don't know what happened or what your relationship with mom was. If you look at you, and ask you what do you want to do to feel better? You will know, then do it.

You are worth more than how you are treating you. I want you to think of you more than you do! (c: Don't be hard on you!

I know I know the whole thing comes down to you want to be loved by your parents. I wish it had of been different for you. Now you are an adult and do not have to allow their "stuff" to ruin your cabin week end..

How would it feel if mom called and told you we decided not to come....It won't kill anyone for you to say you are not into it.

hugs and loving strength, debilyn



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neshema2


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I kept letting this abusive sister back in my "Good graces"  allowed her back on my facebook, unblocked her cell.....u know, letting her back in to my life to "jab me again"  this woman enjoyed jabbing at my triggers...jabbing me anyway she could

I kept saying to me  "WHAT am I doing to me????"  Why the need to sabotage me?????  Deep inside of me, I kept figuring that  well maybe THIS time I'll "get it right"  yea, like it is in my power to cause another to treat me good when they are incapable of it...also she would use her battling w/cancer to get to me and break down my resolve....this last time I "reconcilled" with her was a disaster...I won't go into it but she really stuck the pitch fork in me

I unfriended her , blocked her cell  and I blocked her email...No explaination this time....I would "explain" before when I would cut her off, but this time???? I walked away....she gets on her daughters computer and uses her email or her cell to text me and I delete it and no response...This time it is done...I am over it...No feelings of hate, love, or anything...its DONE...I am DONE with her...I say God bless her and I have moved on......AND I do not have to justify or defend or explain my actions to take care of me.....she just does not exist in my life...Period....

some people we keep trying with b/c of an old sense of "loyalty"  or maybe its a "oh they are family, you are supposed to forgive and forget"   well i am not creator and I don't have alzheimer's so that disqualifies me right there

some folks are just too toxic and their negative opinions of me are maybe a reflection of THEIR character and not mine this time???? I am the one in recovery...none of those bio relatives are...I am working on improving me...they are not....maybe its NOT about me....maybe the person is just too toxic and I need to put some distance...

If i keep letting a person "jab" me, then I go from victim to volunteer....nothing changes until I change ME........



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