The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And it is an environment you don't HAVE to live in nor does your daughter. Melly, I am glad you are going to Al-Anon. I'm also glad you have developed a sense of humor to help you through some of this. You are a strong woman and your strength can be applied to your recovering from the effects of this disease. You have so much going for you that comes through your writing. What isn't going for you is this relationship. Glad you see that. Glad you see you need help moving out of this situation into a brand new way of life that doesn't include a drunken, naked man vomiting on himself. Keep on, keeping on. You've gotten this far without Al-Anon. You're going to get so much further on in ways you're really going to like. Welcome to the family at MIP.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of August 2013 11:49:31 PM
'Scuse me posting a bit but it's really helping me stay focused to speak this stuff "out loud" and make myself face it. It's all much less confusing and stressful when I share it here because there's a clear path that I need to follow and I can't get caught up in emotion or self-deception or pretending it's "not that bad".
I wont go overboard on the details but my daughter woke me early this morning and whispered that when she had gotten up, A had walked out of the loungeroom naked and "completely covered" in vomit and told her to "look away". Obviously feeling worried (sober he's very prudish) he came out again (this time wrapped in a towel) and gave her a couple of dollars for the canteen. Yup, that will erase the childhood memory of mums boyfriend naked and covered in his own spew. Thankfully she went to school and didn't have to endure any more of it. He continued to sit in his chair periodically vomiting on himself and then drinking more until about an hour ago when he decided he wanted to get Jiggy with me. Good lord. Then went on and on about how I don't believe in him (I wont listen to him rant about his latest gambling system that is going to make us all rich) and I've ruined our sex life (I wont get intimate with him when he's drunk anymore). He's just called in sick at work. Again. He's going to get fired very soon.
He's not ever been this bad before so my daughter had endured a lot of yelling and unpleasantness over the years but not this level of disgusting, I wouldn't put her through that and if this is how he's going to be now, then I guess I have to make some big decisions very quickly. Actually, that's not quite accurate; he's been terrible many times but not with the nakedness, vomiting and general animal behaviour. I predict he'll bottom out soon though, and then it's time for me to be really tested- because I can't buy into another bull^%&$ "recovery" where he decides we are going to be a "family" and then starts dictating to everyone what they should do every minute of every day (including my bed-time), throws daily wobblies when we don't toe the line of his new "routine" and then resumes drinking and tells me it's my fault because he "tried" but I wouldn't support him. And really, knowing what my daughter saw this morning, I think a line has been well and truly crossed (somehow I didn't think that back when he was being physically abusive to me?)
So, I'm full of second-guesses and trying to silence the niggling voice that wonders if this is MY fault for just ignoring his behaviour (because he really seems to be trying to get my attention). One foot in front of the other, focus on me, child, study, keep a decent home, start planning to make a change. His ridiculous behaviour shouldn't even get a mention.
Somehow, when he's really not functioning, I feel very awake, purposeful and serene. Why is that I wonder? Isn't this when I should be stressed and upset? I seem to be much more worried when things are "semi-functional" than when they are just plain unmanagable. Weird.
((((Melly)))) That is an appropriate title for your post and I'm asking if you have an Al-Anon group that you are hooked up with; as home group? Are you attending face to face meetings. It was the Family Groups that camed to my rescue when stuff like that was going on in my life with my alcoholic/addict spouse. Could never have done it alone and your post screams of insanity. Are there meetings and groups available to you? ((((hugs))))
Yeppers!!! oh sister in need!! You go...run, haul ass...get there as fast as you can and leave your fear somewhere else. If they have a literature table...browse, browse, browse and get as much as you can. They may have a "starter" pack...we have that here and we always make sure that the newbies get one which includes a meeting schedule of all meetings in the area and phone numbers too that can be called at anytime of the night or day. We know...and know that we know (now)...how cunning, powerful and baffling this disease is...We also know how fatal and insane it is so we stand up and stand by our fellowship. Wednesday Night is also my home group night and I will be taking thoughts of you and your family with me to the group. I will not tell your story or otherwise break your anonymity...I will just take you in my heart and let the spirits pass twix your island and ours. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks Jerry I know things are different somehow because I don't intend telling him about it...no desire to "wake him up" or change his behaviour...I just want to strengthen me, make myself able to make the best decisions I am capable of....I feel "ready". It's a good feeling in spite of this deranged environment I'm living in.
Yes I believe as a single Mom your bf more than crossed a line, I have red flags for you, her seeing him naked and him trying to buy her off! I am sorry you have lived with abuse for yourself and for your daughter to have been around. Please take care of yourself and get to as many al-anon face to face meetings as you possibly can. I am glad you found us and keep coming back! Sending you much love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Melly - your words, "I just want to strengthen me, make myself able to make the best decisions I am capable of" I like them. I hadn't thought of it that way, that THAT is what I got from Al-anon, my own strength, my personal power - I recovered it!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Feel serene in the crisis because it's fight or flight mode - you go on autopilot and don't have time to think about what a quagmire it is. Anyhow, I can't fathom how you could think this was your fault but then again, I can cuz that is the piece that the A takes advantage of the most. None of this is your fault and it sounds like you are very cued into the routine and insanity of being with an addict. I sense you are pretty close to making some big decisions already.
I made a comment to her after school- just wanted to test the water and see if she was upset. She didn't register that he was drunk, she just thought he was sick. She says he had thrown up all over his clothes and was making a dash to the laundry so he didn't "get it everywhere" and that he was holding the pile of clothes to cover himself and got a fright when he saw her. I think she felt sorry for him. Lucky she was at school and didn't see the rest of the disgraceful morning. So I'm relieved that she wasn't upset and her innocent mind just thought he was ill and having a bad time of it. I think she's had enough cold hard reality over the years so I don't feel any need to set her straight on this one.
So he slept all day and got up acting like he didn't have a care in the world. He spent the evening showing her cool science videos and the 2 of them laughed and chatted away like old friends. Usually he just grumbles and barks at her. Really challenging my idea of detatchment here. I was glad to see her happy and not upset and that really overrides everything else but it's irritating that he just gets away with such a revolting display.
It's my policy now to say nothing and just get on with life and stay as far away from any drunken bull^&%* as I can, but at what point is this just enabling again? If I just go about my business and be civil am I giving him the message that his behaviour is just dandy? Or do I not even need to worry about sending him messages? Not mentioning it feels like I am saying "all is forgiven, hey, everyone gets drunk and ends up naked and covered in spew once in a while. Don't stress over it!"But I learnt a while ago that arguing with an addict or even trying to point out the error of their ways is just another form of enabling; giving them ammunition and excuses (of course I need to escape, look how much you hassle me!).
Really need to rethink my boundaries here. Also, it's silly that I'm thinking this through as if it's an isolated incident that needs to be analysed. That's how I have lived for years- from one "incident" to the next. All I need to do is read over what I have posted since I joined here a week ago; it's one big long unpleasant incident really and I must stay aware of the big picture instead of getting hurt and angry and upset about each one and then needing the relief of "forgive and forget".
I think that makes sense.
Also he's been saying that he's going to move his computer into a separate room so he wont be interrupted during his "trading" (new online gambling scheme) and I've felt unhappy at the idea- because I'm isolated here and when he sat in a separate room playing computer games 24-7 and sleeping in there I was lonely, omg so lonely I almost went mad. But really, that's the best thing for all of us and if I'm truly ready to move forward without him, then it's a logical first step. He begins his wonderful new life as an online entrepeneur on wednesday when he gets paid (he's guaranteed success, he's been watching you-tube videos about it). He's going to be making $20,000 a week! Goodness. So I guess it's best to let him move into a room without argument, and he can close the door, and drink and piss away his pay in private, and I can really learn how to be just ok as just me.
Sorry, that was a bit of a babble but I worked out quite a lot just by writing it
<- love this one, it's just perfect for today.
