The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you are aware that your pattern is to swoop in and rescue, then the 1st thing NOT to do when you feel the urge is to rescue. I am also a rescuer - also developed in childhood. Realizing that that is my first thought in any situation - to rescue - I have learned to feel the urge - and wait. I notice that in waiting and sometimes sharing what's happening in me with a sponsor or fellowship member or this board, helps me put distance between my rescuer and the person/situation I am seeing. Then, with distance between me and the other person, and safe sharing, I am returned to peace and have a new idea of what to do in a situation. Often, its just to witness, pray and go on with my life. It is not my job to save people. It is my job to be myself, but my pattern thinks otherwise. On this, we often disagree. :^ )
I let men deal with abusers. There is nothing I can or will do to help them other than to stay out of their way and not confront them.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of August 2013 06:11:25 PM
I will share what I uncovered in doing my inventory. I cannot know the reasons that you do this but I found that I had many hidden motives for rescuing people and appearing as if I was compassionate. First and most important-- I thought that this was the way to be,--- take care of others and then they would take care of me Second, I found that if I took the focus off myself and put it on others I did not have to reveal myself to others or let them know me and my needs, my wants. I could appear strong and powerful without really being that.
Other thoughts that I uncovered when I did my inventory was that I took care of others to be in control, I called the shots, I had the power the money, the ability. They needed me. I could do as I pleased without anyone interfering.
Not too noble but the truth
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 11th of August 2013 07:45:19 PM
Thank you for this post, and greatful.. You have no idea how bennifitual your words have been to me. Just what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. Thanks so much for your share!
To add a little to Betty's share: My reasons for rescuing had more to do with getting in trouble with my parents if I didn't rescue brothers, sisters from trouble they'd gotten themselves into by doing things they were told not to do and from my church upbringing, too. Learning how to ignore that integrated warning within my psyche has been a struggle given my love for my parents and for the Church I was raised in. I've learned to name warts in belief systems, but haven't erased the tapes. I've just learned they have life within me with an automatic on button that I have learned to ignore.
With me...when I was broken, I attracted the same. I thought I was "supporting" when I was really enabling. I never thought I had the power to rescue anyone. I did think I could help and guide others to health when it was me that wanted them to change more than they wanted to.
I identify with this all, thank you. These are things I have seen also about myself - esp taking the focuses off myself to not have to look at the pain of what was really going on with father and mother and family - unfinished business with my father through other abusive men.
So grateful
To have recovery and wonderful fellowship tonight both here and on the phone.
Rescuing for me back fires because when I put that energy into someone else, I expect some of their energy back and it is just unhealthy. When I take care of myself and am around people who take care of themselves the relationship is healthy and just easier. I don't need to be distracted or trying to save anyone except myself. Al-anon has taught me to work my program focusing on me and my side of the street and to give from my overflow and to save my reserve tank for myself. Keep on keeping on. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for this post...really helpful insight!i can identify so well....i think the trick is to take all this energy we invest in rescuing others, and investing that in ourselves....it's a difficult lesson with a character trait, which origin i still don't really know and understand. But this lightens it a bit...
I agree, this is indeed a fantastic thread. In considering all our responses I would like to add that by applying alanon tools and principles ,one day at a time we are each growing and developing true compassion, empathy, love, courage and wisdom.
Yeah I should state I used to try to rescue and thought I had all the answers for everyone else, funny how my own life wasn't so great at the time, ha! Great thread for sure!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I had more of a struggle with rescuing when my life was good than when it wasn't. Learning how to walk a line between rescuing and being present in compassion and understanding is still a lesson I am working on in my life. Always plenty of opportunity to practice being present rather than rescuing for me. That tape within me is a strong one.
I developed a pattern of rescuing ppeople at a fairly young age.
as I got older my patterns became worse. I began to rescue abusive/unsafe guys.
i
when I worked the 4th step on my inventory, I found out MY reason for rescuing unsafe guys, went directly back to my abusive father and my desperate need for him to just love me w/out "horrible conditions" attached to his love....he was a horrible man...I had to verify with the steps that his opinion of me (loser, failure, bitch, lowlife, no good) was his character not mine......step 4 showed me that my "looking for love" in all the wrong places went back to unresolved grief from my childhood....once rooted out and grieved over and understood, I am NO more interested in the "fixer upper" men or anyone else.....I detach now...stay away and the abusers?? something about the way I carry myself and assert myself and my boundaries, they dn't even approach me now.....They know they are not welcome in my life......glad you came here
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP I relate very much to your share. Growing up I was surrounded by this disease and although the youngest in the family i was "trained" to be the "fixer" the one that enabled the rest of my family to go about their addictive ways while I cleaned up behind them. Don't get me wrong, I loved my family dearly, still do. My husband also grew up in an alcoholic home. When our children were young we decided we were going to break the cycle. We moved a couple states away, just to get our children away from the daily drama. We made sure they stayed in touch with all our families, they loved them and were loved by them. But it never occurred to my husband nor I that we had lived so long emeshed in this disease our coping skills, the ones we taught our children were horribly dysfunctional. Our son despite all our efforts turned to drugs and is an addict.
And I was still saving people, trying to control aspects of peoples lives. Truth is I never saved a single soul. It was all just smoke an mirrors. If granted one wish, I would wish for a do-over, so I could learn and pass down healthy coping skills through alanon. But there are no do overs so here in middle age, I work my program and take care of and change me. It's a little scary not knowing who you were meant to be at this stage in life. But it sure is an adventure and most of all it has made me a better person.
I have gladly given up the Throne as CEO of the Universe, and just take care of the things I can control, like me.
Glad you are here!
