The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Beachwife, Welcome to the Alanon and MIP board....
I was married to the alcoholic for 26 years. I eventually separated and thru some legal mishaps was never really divorced even though I filed. But thats another story.
Alanon is about US and learning the tools to cope with a devastating disease, that if not stopped, it can cause insanity and death. The X A just passed away two weeks ago from organ failure from his years of drinking. He was only 58. He was also the love of my life, so right now I am experiencing the grief of that. Even though he made that choice, it doesnt make it easier.
You must be thinking, I didnt come here for all this doom and gloom . I thank the universe for Alanon, because thru Alanon and my HP those 26 years of course had its low's, but it had lots of high's, lots of fun, traveling, sorrow, joy. Alcoholic always worked, I worked, we made a good living together. 26 years is a long run. As the disease progressed, even though he did join AA, there are no guarantees. He did try for my sake. But just like anything, we have to do it for ourselves and nobody else.
We had 26 years because I wanted the marriage and us to work, because there was love , I probably stayed too long , but I have no regrets.
Can a marriage to an alcoholic work, I can't assess your life, only you know what your boundaries are.
If you follow the philosophy of the program, if you are loyal to meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor, there is hope. If you are interested in Alanon because you think it will stop the Alcoholic from drinking, it won't.
But you can find serenity and happiness for yourself and still live with the A, Its up to you.
Keep coming back. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 9th of August 2013 06:42:23 PM
Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am glad that you reached out and shared your heart wth such honesty and clarity To answer your question: the Welcome read at all alanon meetings states: that we can he be happy if the alcoholic is still drinking or not- We urge you to try our program.
Meetings, Steps, Slogans, a Sponser all helped me to grow and stay in an alcoholic marriage that i was about to abandon when I arrived n alanon.
Please keep coming back.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 9th of August 2013 11:23:49 PM
First timer here. I'm not even sure what I want to say. I guess I can start with a little introduction about myself. I have been with my AH for 6 years. (lived together for 5 and married almost one year now.) I knew what I was getting into I suppose. But...ahem...I adore and love him.
AH is a good man. He goes to work every day. He is not abusive to me. But his drinking is getting worse. And he has distanced himself from me. And...I have become resentful towards him. I feel alone in the marriage. So, we both decided to start seeing our counselor again recently. She was the one who suggested I visit an online Al Anon based board, and perhaps attend some meetings. AH is not interested in AA or trying to curb his drinking at this point. (He had tried AA in the past)
I've been reading through many of your posts today. I can relate to much of what is said. And so many inspirational people! WOW!
This may be a dumb question, but is it possible to have a successful, fulfilling, happy marriage with an alcoholic?
Thank you all so much for this board...I'm happy I found it!
This may be a dumb question, but is it possible to have a successful, fulfilling, happy marriage with an alcoholic?
Thank you all so much for this board...I'm happy I found it!
BW
Hey Beachwife.....Like the name :) and NO ?? is dumb...Not ever so please don't ever feel like you cannot ask.....We were all new at one time....I repeat....NO question is ever dumb......
To answer your ???s statistics show and my experience being in alanon 11 years after 2 failed marriages with alkies who refused the program, the answer is "NO" there is no chance...why??? why such a negative answer????? IF he is not in AA and stopping drinking, in AA working on his problems and doing all AA suggests for him, then his drinking for sure will get worse and worse....how far he has to hit bottom, who knows....but he will crash..And if he goes untreated , he will eventually die.....the disease is progressive, and it takes out their minds as well as their bodies.....Alcohol is a toxin that will ravage the mind and body over time........
So to answer your ?? IF things stay the way they are w/him not in recovery, there is NO chance
However YOU can get into alanon and work on you...this alanon is for US...not them......I hope u can get into meetings, work on you, get a sponsor, work the steps, and post on the boards here and detach from him....You gotta take your hands off b/c no amount of threats, begging, crying will get him into recovery if he does not want to , so its up to you to let him go in your head...Let him keep paying the consequences for his drinking and they wlll come as the disease progresses, but that is not your control...not your power to do anything about....not your problem......Your problem is to keep YOU from the insanity of this disease by working on YOUR program.....so I urge you to find some alanon meetings, on line, too, and get books on the steps so you can go through the steps to help you understand you and how to take care of you, also get some literature, and learn , starting now...to Focus on YOU...also, a nice lady named BreakingFree wrote a nice post on slogans....If I were you would would open that post and print it out...the slogans are wonderful
also on top of these posts, I think there is stuff about the steps, so you can get your feet in the water just surfing this board...but the MAIN thing......You gotta take care of YOU.....this disease can take you down with him, if you dn't get to work on you....You can do it....I feel you really want to help yourself...and your councellor was absolutely right to tell you to come here.....Alanon saved my life and my sanity......
So you did the right thing, coming here....this works.....I am not even close to being the same sicky , codependent person I once was...Thanks to al-anon........I am glad you showed up.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think there is some small chance that if his disease progression was very slow and if you had great detachment skills and low expectation for what you might do as a couple...then yeah. It's possible.
I know a happy marriage is part of your happiness as a person and I hate to hang the odds of that on anything he does or does not do. The doom and gloom may be offset by the idea that he may eventually get into AA and choose recovery. He's already shown some willingness with going to a counselor. HOWEVER, you are powerless over his alcoholism and it is a beast. It may feel like he is choosing alcohol over you, but in reality, alcohol just has a very firm grip.
None of us are guaranteed happily ever after with another person. We have today. So in alanon you can be happy with you and yes - happy with him today. I don't know what the future hold for him and his recovery, but with alanon, I would think you will be better equipped to make choices and to pattern your thinking so as to maintain your own happiness rather than hinging all of it on things out of your control (what he does or doesn't do). So Alanon may very well save you a lot of personal grief - because it can help you be a happier and more serene person regardless of his recovery status.
In the event that things do not work out, if you keep up with alanon, you will not be so dragged down by his sickness that you forget how to take care of yourself. What I have found of partners that stick around for years and years of living with an alcoholic with no alanon program of their own is that they often become so worn down that they also forget self-care and how to enjoy life and feel grateful for blessings we all have. They become isolated, ashamed, and stop reaching out so that when they are really miserable, they keep trying to get their needs met by the person who is least able to support them: the alcoholic. And that is a really bad merry go round. So yeah...the support from others in alanon is also crucial.
Aloha Beachwife and welcome to the board...Hotrod gave you the simple of it and Keep it simple is one of our slogans. There is a lot of ESH here and in the program of Al-Anon and all of it will be coming while you participate with us. There is a lot to learn and I'm reminded of that by reading your post. Actually the reason you came looking for us outside of the suggestion from the counselor is because you are being abuse by the disease and your alcoholic has mentioned he has no intention of stopping so therefore the abuse is almost guaranteeing it will continue. When one or both of you stop participating in the insanity the abuse will stop and for now that seems to be you.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease. That doesn't mean fatal only to the drinker. One of the other consequences is insanity and I think you already know that doesn't mean insane to only the drinker.
You got hooked into MIP and I hope you keep coming back often. We have pointed you toward Al-Anon face to face meetings from our own experiences and I hope that you follow thru on that suggestion. The meetings and meeting times where and when we meeting in your area can be found by calling the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon. Support and Prayers. (((((hugs)))))
I know alanon guides against you pinning your happiness and serenity on him but I did want to add that seeing the 12 step working for you could attract him back to it. The best way to attract recovery is to model it. Also most folks work at AA for a while before achieving sobriety. Aside from all that...it is something that wii save you sanity regardless of what he does.
Keep coming back. We have on-line meetings twice a day and a chatroom, too. This board and its offerings can help supplement face to face meetings and Conference Approved literature.
