On total overload - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

On total overload

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Angie: I didn't think I was in that much danger either - until I divorced him - and later went to Domestic Assault classes for women who had been abused. I was given a checklist to complete. It asked me all the things that had happened. When I finished the list - I didn't really look at it, I just checked the boxes - the counselor looked at me and said, "It is a wonder you are still here. He did everything on this list to you except to point a gun at you. (And that didn't happen, because I insisted when we had my son he get rid of the gun he'd bought). Please go to Al-Anon and seek the assistance of a Domestic Assault Center near you. Tomorrow is a brand new day and you can make brand new decisions. The past is over as soon as it is over. Right now is all that matters and right now you're facing how you're truly thinking and feeling. We can feel better. We can make healthy choices. We can make changes that are better for us and better for our children. (((A))) It took a lot of courage for you to post this. And many of us on this board - whether we all talk about it or not - have been there. You're not alone.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of August 2013 07:51:39 PM

AngieP · Veteran Member

I haven't posted about my situation in quite sometime. I moved out of the cohabitation w/ Afiance Nov 2012 after violent attack (truly the 1st towards me) he had only hurt himself prior. He has gotten sober, worked a good program, but of course the occasional crazy making goes on. I really want to just walk away.. My gut tells me it's the only way. I know I can't live to please others but my family would never understand me returning to him & I'm still unsure if I could ever trust long term that he would never have the capacity to "hurt" me again or be "successful" the next time. I know I have to put me first but I can't seem to bear to hurt him and walk away. So many people have hurt him In Life and I hate to be another on that list. I an tortured by this daily right now. I just dont know what to do. I got a great job back in April and I have sought and local alanon meeting and there is nothing within 10 miles of my job or home! Any advise would be helpful as I can't sink and lower right now. Thanks in advance

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm still unsure if I could ever trust long term that he would never have the capacity to "hurt" me again or be "successful" the next time. I know I have to put me first but I can't seem to bear to hurt him and walk away.

This says it all....Abuse only gets worse...Not better...An abuser is an abuser is an abuser....the "drink" didn't make him do it....alcohol does not cause a cheater...a beater...a thief, etc......its already in them, the drink just erases the inhibitions, but it is THERE

If I were you I would get on line meets if not face to face...work your steps, get a sponsor, work your program HARD..... and you "can't seem to bear to hurt him"????? what did he do to you???? What if you are not so lucky the next time he "hurts" you again........

We are not talking revenge or she said he said or a drunk who passes out on the floor, we are talking PHYSICAL ABUSE....U know ...the kind that puts people in the hospital or the grave.....

You know what to do...If you didn't think it was UNsafe, you never would have reached out to us for validation........Follow your gut instincts.....Your inner voice is saying "no" isn't it??? Dont' fight your best friend which is your inner voice.....that inner voice is that part of the universal power that resides in all of us...Its there for us to listen to, to heed, to be protected by.....I know you know the answer to what you need to do.....the first thing??? meetings...on line if not in person...get working on the steps....find a sponsor to guide you

AND if this guy is bothering you, or harassing you to get back with him, a domestic violence shelter can advise you

here you say "but of course the occasional crazy making goes on. "

Now what do you think that is the precedent to???? ABUSE....This guy if hes hurt you once??? he is unfit and dangerous for you to be in a relationship with....

I can "let slide" a lot, but abuse...adultery....substance abuse.....Deal breakers for me......I value me more to let that kind of danger in my life......

Its your choice...I can only tell you from experience...the first time my Ex#1 got physical it was a "shove" then after that, he threw me up against our car.....it got WORSE....I was not in alanon but even still, I knew to get the hell out before he did something worse to me and it was coming..For sure...abuse never goes down...It goes UP!!!! PLEASE get into on line meets if you can't find fac2fac and please get the alanon literature, pray/meditation on it practice it, and work the steps.........

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it is pretty normal to be upset after having to separate from someone you are committed to. The issue I think with people in a relationship with an alcoholic is we feel we have to act immediately because we do not want to cause them any further pain.

I absolutely could not bear to hear the now ex A in emotional pain. I felt it was totally my job to fix his issues.

I had to learn to take care of myself. That didn't necessarily mean that I had to leave them immediately.

In fact when I came to al anon I really balked when people told me simply that I had to leave him.

What happened for me was that I learned new skills. That doesn't mean I don't have alcoholics in my life any longer. I absolutely do. I do not run when I meet an alcoholic. I have limits though.

None of the issues you have put out on this board have to fixed this minute. Certainly any alcoholic thinks that their issues all have to be fixed by someone else and they regularly demands that. In actuality as an adult we have to fix our own issues. We certainly can get help. I ask for help all the time but I no longer really expect anyone to take care of me in ways I can do for myself.

Al anon is a complex program we take it one day at a time. We go slowly and carefully. We don't rush into decisions. Of course we might but then we learn we can certainly change our minds if necessary.

I hope you will find solace here. I certainly did.

Maresie.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
- the first time somebody acts in a violent manner towards me is the last time they do it. We have all be hurt in life. That is not an excuse for acting violently. Its not even an explanation. Attending meetings can mean the difference of you saving your own life and not trying to save his or take care of his feelings. That's his job. Your gut is talking to you. You really want to walk away. Please don't discount it. That healthy part of you knows what it knows and it knows what you need. Your feelings will catch up with your actions.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of August 2013 06:58:01 PM

Angie, this is really really serious, that is why I am showing you exerpts from Grateful....I have been there....She posted about this on some of her posts........those of us who have been there, we KNOW...This is not in anyway shape or form safe........and again....listen to your gut...That wise part of you that is your survival instinct....that part of you that is part of your higher power.....he/she is telling you to GET OUT....Leave it.....let him go to learn his own lessons and you save your life.....and yes, your feelings will catch up....Sometimes we just have to trust and follow our instincts and let our "oh yea, I was right to do this" catch up......If I had a good meet in 10 miles, I would be going...there is nothing around me, they all broke up and still nothing even close to me..AND I don't have enough work, gotta watch the gas, BUT, I am on line and those meets are a good substitute....post here on the boards....Do the steps.....alanon will show you a whole new and healthy way of life where abuse won't even be a consideration....You won't want guys you have to "fix or repair" Youwill find someone who will love and honour you, someone you will be and feel safe with..someone whom you will feel "evenly yoked" with as You get healthier, the healthier your choices will be...Trust me, I know...I was so messed up and codependent, I picked all the "fixer uppers"....Now??? I leave them to the construction sites and I open me up to someone with whom I can have fun with and be an equal with......

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Often times, alanoners lose the notion of putting self first. For many reasons it gets warped and putting self first seems selfish and wrong. In reality, putting self first is a necessity. It's not selfish or wrong. It is the kindest thing to do and its good self care. Martyrdom is not kind to yourself or others. Staying with an abuser and or addict can also be harmful to them because they need to focus on getting and receiving help not necessarily carrying on in a dysfuntional relationship.

AngieP · Veteran Member

Thank you allot means alot. I guess I feel I have led him on, as so many months have pass an we have stayed in contact. I told him I could not promise anything , that we would ever live together again. I've made it clear several times. But I do talk/text daily more than a healthy amount in my opinion - it leave me no time to do anything else. ( he is on disability due to 4 back surgeries so he doesn't work and had days free) I do spend weekends over at the apt where relived together.. It is a bit scary for me, as that is where the incident happend, but I just try to trust that God will protect me. I know maybe this is foolish in hindsight, sometimes I worry how long I can push my luck, I have 2 daughters... 15 & 19 and I would never want to leave this earth like that for them. He's in the court system due to the last situation, I dropped the protection order and signed some papers allowing him to go thru a diversion program to keep a felany off his record if he completed successfully. I don't think he will bother me if I walk away but I never though he'd try to kill me either. I just troubled, feel emotionally blackmailed and so alone as I'm not supposed to be seeing him at all as I'm living with family to get on my feet. Just feel like I'm betraying myself and everyone right now. Thanks for your wisdom - it means alot, it holds alot of value and I can reread.. I appreciate your time more than you know!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a bit scary for me, as that is where the incident happend, but I just try to trust that God will protect me. I know maybe this is foolish in hindsight, sometimes I worry how long I can push my luck, I have 2 daughters... 15 & 19 and I would never want to leave this earth like that for them.

God or Budha or whomever you wanna worship or look to as your HP is NOT gonna babysit you...Not gonna babysit any of us...we have our good sense and our alanon programs, we have tools to work with to take care of ourselves...We have signs put in front of us, warnings come in various ways, and if we don't heed them, then we pay....

Who do you think is giving you the gut instincts??? and if you go against that???? you expect your god to protect you when you put yourself in harms way??? I am not a bible reader but didn't Jesus say to the devil when he dared him to jump off a cliff or something, it would be "ok" b/c his god would protect him, and Jesus said, he would not do the jump and he said "I will not tempt my God" In other words, the Power most high will give us signs...warnings....lessons....instincts....that inner voice within..and our common sense he/she will even use other people like us in alanon here posting with you.....he/she will give you signs, but if you don't take them, then you put yourself in harms way and you pay the consequences...Jesus didn't take the devil up on his dare b/c he was not about to "tempt his god" or Push his luck...

Not to be mean here, but I have been there....I have had the bruises......you talk about "how long I can push my luck" You have a rattle snake by the head...a bad mood..A misinterpreted word...A trigger of some sorts...Who knows what could set him off the next time...And do you really want to find out??? I used to walk on egg shells and my X STILL got vicious b/c maybe one of those egg shells made a "crack" that he didn't like.....Ohhh I am soooo glad I don't live like that anymore....Alanon showed me a healthy way to live and I wont' let ANYONE scare me or control me like that again...

None of us can tell you what to do...the 12th step for me is to carry the message....You have to do the rest....Angie do you want life??? or do you want the fear of and maybe the reality of death???? the choice is yours......

God bless you and I do hope you hitch yourself up to the al-anon chuck wagon where its all you can eat....you will be fed Good fruits of healthy thinking and healthy living ...Good luck...I will send you energy of courage, wisdom and strength in this road ahead...You are at a fork in the road....there is a left turn and a right turn...Only you can pick which one you want....I can only send you peace and good energy....AND say a prayer that you choose LIFE :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Angie let me tell you something. Non A's and A's do not think alike or feel alike. How you would feel if someone walked away is totally different from how they see it.

We can never gauge anyone elses feelings by our own. He has shown you very well, what he is inside. That does not go away. It has zero to do with being an A. It's just that using lessens the ability to hold their true self back.

I invite you to own your own feelings.You are working on being on your own, being supported by others to do so. Thus this guilt is eating on you. You have two children you love, that are your priority and believe me this time now with them will go away so fast! I would be more concerned about spending my extra time with them. In fact you don't have to say I am leaving him. You can say you need/want to spend more time with your family, that is not a lie.

You are right, texting etc. is leading him on. He depends on you for that. Feeds on it. I would not want to do that at all. It is not fair to him. Plus who are we to stop how they feel about anything. Maybe the reality of people leaving is HIS problem not yours. It may be something you are taking away from him to learn that.

To thine own self be true. Hey I know it is not easy. you must get something out of it, but is it worth the cost? hugs, debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.