I think my whining has turned some people off - Al-Anon Family Group

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I think my whining has turned some people off

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Not here of course :) but over time I am getting the impression that many who just 'havn't liked me' and I've done nothing wrong to, is because of my constant whining and just lack of positivity. I am starting to notice this now. In life, I am definite late bloomer and felt like I sat back and watched as everyone around wasn't dealing with what I was. That lead to a lot of complaining, envy, which can just be a huge turn off. I am also now slightly embarassed. The relationships I should have been building in my youth were not able to be crafted because of my constant focus on the alcoholic. This was all pre-program.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I can identify - but I had a psychic shift at age 36 and that was the one that also got me sober. Prior to that - my mentality was one of complaining and being victim all the time (not saying that's you either). Anyhow, I'm definitely a late bloomer. In my late 20s I was well on my way to being a hot mess and in my early 30s I was a worse hot mess. Instead of focusing on the things I was supposed to be and building the career and relationships I was supposed to - I focused on drinking and dysfunction (and another alcoholic too). So, yeah - I am a late bloomer but the good part of that is I feel reborn now (not in a Christian sense) and it rules. I like feeling 41 and confident cuz 28 and feeling like a loser SUCKED. You are awesome Jim. Start feeling it and living it. It's work to change but I'm confindent you will do. For me, the answer lied in doing the steps and really practicing them in my life. I desperately needed a program for living ciz I was only suffering before....not living.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

PP~

Good morning!

I love what you had posted on here, which book were you reading from if you don't mind my asking?

Thank you & have a Grand Day!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the share, SJ. What you're seeing now is just an echo of your past beliefs. It's fun to watch you grow one day at a time in this program.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt that way too and found as I worked my program I not only caught up, I outgrew a lot of people, not anyone's fault just the natural progression for me. I now have friends that are mostly older and I am okay with that, because I want quality friends these days not quantity. I went from a complaining victim to a more serene overcomer of my past. I had a very rough childhood, but instead of being so focused on then, I am now much more focused on the present. I am making decisions daily to look back, but not stare. My past helped shape me to become who and how I am, but now I make decisions to sand down the rough edges and make the changes I can. I am now a full grown adult to own my life and to take control of myself. I am really trying to be more disciplined where I was lacking and as I progress I am feeling so much more comfortable in my own skin and really have less to complain about. Sending you love and support on your journey!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

slogan_jim wrote:
. In life, I am definite late bloomer and felt like I sat back and watched as everyone around wasn't dealing with what I was. That lead to a lot of complaining, envy, which can just be a huge turn off. I am also now slightly embarassed. The relationships I should have been building in my youth were not able to be crafted because of my constant focus on the alcoholic. This was all pre-program.

OMG....this was sooo me.....While I was so mentally sick, I sat and watched my cousins be provided for by their parents, being supported sent to college, encouraged...they were provided for when their parents passed on, they had all the help they needed to get a good start in life....Me?? i was shattered, sabotaged, held back, set up for failure, PROGRAMMED for it, even, and when he died, he left us nothing but bad memories and mental illness.....you bet I was envious.....it was't that I wanted the same hell for my cousins or friends, oh no....I just felt like "why not ME too????" Why so much thrown at me and why not an even chance in life for me???

WEll I got into alanon and the "whys" I figured out....Now its "WHAT can I do for me NOW????" the past is gone....never to return...I look at my cousins and old past friends now and I see me as healthy , physically and more and more mentally...I see those same cousins having health issues, waaay over weight, I see that THEY have struggles tooo and some, even tho they got money, some of their struggles I do not want....My problems of lack and limitation, in the financial dept. don't seem so bad

the abusive older sister who was treated "ok" by them, who stole 58k from her husbands bank security vault, using her own daughter to do it and this causing the X to write the daughter out of her will, I see that same sister failing to keep her promise to that daughter that she would share in the furniture store she was setting up w/her stolen funds....Promising "T" a partnerships when she helped her steal that money, I see that same sister who prospered ALL these years, having the good life, cheating this one and that one to do it, and I again, sat by where I was lower middle class at best, lost good job opportunities b/c of my PTSD.....I was also envious of her too....."why not ME????" I cried

My whole life was one of envy, jealousy and bitterness at the unfairness thrown at me and how "uneven" the cards were dealt out to the folks I was "comparing" my life too....My life was so "uneven" as to so many people, it caused me to become Agnostic about any god being involved in my life....Prayers unanswered, I just figured "ok..Life....its You and me....Instead of fighting you all the time, I am gonna get around you, past you, under your OR just toss it off me and let the universal energy take care of it"......

NOW, through al-anon eyes, I see me as "well I made it ANYway" and I see me as one who is loved by a lot of people...one who is trusted by everyone in my path...they feel safe with me....

That sister who sowed all those dishonest seeds, now battles b/c she wanted so many "things" the crash really hit her....now she struggles like the rest of us and with repeated attacks of cancer on top of it.....She worshipped her "things" and now she is worried...I know.... My "keep it simple" mentality has kept me "under the radar" re: this economic depression....I aint weathy, but my home is paid for, my bills are paid, i am not maxed out on debt, I have ZERO debt.......I made the changes necessary to ride out this economic disaster.....so I am really "OK"....

I never wished any bad karma on her, she did this to herself.......

Watching her, my cousins, and the other folks , I once envied, who really took their blessings for granted and who put me down b/c I wasn't as "progressed" as they, wasn't as "sucessful" as they, I was the "family loser" to them

NOW, after 11 years in al-anon and coda, NOW the tables are turning....all the GOOD seed I sowed, working my recovery, staying the course, not giving up on me, finding a way to take care of me "inspite of those who hurt me"...and NEVER doing another wrong.....I am OK...

No I am not rich...probably will always struggle, who knows?? but I have a good mind and body, and I am strong and healthy and I have a lot of assets within me that the others do not have....

I "grew up" late....I figure I am a "young" adult now.......when I was attacked, I know my "mental and emotional" growth was stunted....I just STOPPED growing.....sexually, mentally, emotionally....I STOPPED.....Now I am growing up in alanon

I can think and act and make healthy decisions thanks to alanon......when the crash hit, I knew it was coming...I saw it.....I made financial moves that paid off my house....I tucked away a bit of a nest egg, I had more confidence in me and now , yes, I need 2 mornings a week to be "ok" re: My work, but I make good money....now I am figuring 2 more mornings per month I need for work.....I am close.....its doable.....by end of year, I should find another 2 clients per month or maybe one client 2x per month......I can be "ok"

Even sick, I made good karma ...I never stole, took advantage of or sabotaged anyone like some folks I mentioned here....I never was anything but honest and did the right thing...

Now the karma is smiling better at me..b/c I decided to MAKE my life be better.....first I had to get healthy.....the rest wold come .....

I feel like the turtle and the hare.....yea, everyone was "ahead" of me earlier, but I kept putting one foot in front of the other, crawling , sometimes b/c of my wounds, but I am still in the race and still going good.....

I don't compare me to anyone else any more....its a waste....I just look at me and what I can do for me......I am growing up now, finding my maturity, I am settling in , in that yea, the shit hit the wall re: my entire life, but I am hosing off that manure with the alanon program and ya know???? better late then never.....so this little turtle is still going in a forward motion...

Slogan Jim , your post , I need to see....Needed to reflect on it....Thank you for helping me do this "quick and dirty" step 4 thingy about envy, jealousy and just thinking the grass was always greener on the other guys yard, but I have jumped the fence to SEE their beautiful "lush looking" fields and once over there, in their yard, I see potholes in those fields big enough to trip up an elephant...

So...I look at me...I think about what I need..what I want....how do I get there??????

THANKS JIM.............I really needed to see this post

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

SJ

It is great that you are aware of this and have reached acceptance on the subject. When I uncovered negative parts of myself In Step 4, I could see how they hurt me, (as you are seeing now) I was entirely ready to have HP lift them. When they were lifted, I was amazed to find my hidden sense of humor, my compassion, my empathy and my joy. I shed my sarcasm , my negativity and need to gossip and gained so much more.

I have a niece who every calls "Debbie Downer " because she is so negative I do believe they called me that in my day.

So grateful for the Steps

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Geezzzz are you whining AGAIN??????

biggrin Just kidding... hey you got a light bulb moment! That is pretty cool! So now keep on going to be the best person you can be! If someone does not like you, so what? There are plenty of people who do.

Many people see quiet people as arrogant thinking their better, in reality they may be shy.

Many people see intelligent people or problem solvers as know it alls. In reality they just want to share what they know to help.

Just keep being true to you. Be who YOU want to be, who YOU are. No one else is like you. You are unique.

hugs and love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.