The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For once in my life when a friend had an awkward situation happen to him today I didn't jump in with what I thought happened, how difficult it was (it definitely was) and what I think really happened. He certainly did that to me a year ago and I can't say it helped one bit. But then there is a reason he is my friend as a mirror to show me where control and shoulda coulda woulda gets me.
When this same friend told me about this situation I knew from past experience that it wasn't going to be honey and roses for him. I did not say anything I did not offer my point of view. He was excited and I didn't do or say anything to change that. I didn't voice my concern. I just let it be. And when it turned out to be a problem I didn't voice that I knew it might be. Who after all needs to hear that? I just let that be too. When he wanted to vent I heard him but I had a limit. He has gone to bed to nurse his wound and that's absolutely fine with me. People can do things now and I don't have to fix them.
Today he is definitely upset but it is not my place to undo that upset. That is his pain to deal with. There are some lessons out of that kind of experience (it certainly wasn't life or death). The principal issue is that he didn't ask me and I don't do things for others unless they ask me and sometimes I don't do it then. I value my own boundaries a great deal these days.
When people in the program used to talk about keeping their side of the street clean I must say I was always mystified. Wasn't it my job to take care of everyone? Wasn't that something that was good? It certainly wasn't for me. I overextended myself so much I got deathly ill on more than one occasion. I may have had very good intentions but I certainly didn't have to rush in with all my suggestions, opinions and needs in there whenever whatever happened. I did I absolutely did compulsively for decades. Most of all I needed to be needed and I thought that was a kinda love. I don't want that kinda love anymore.
Right now I have my own problems which are pretty pressing and some people could call them urgent. I have to find the solution out of those problems. I am not looking for someone else to do that. I think one reason I was always so gung ho to solve other peoples problems is that I was desperate for someone to take over mine. Now my problems are mine and I am responsible for dealing with them. I don't much like that and I would rather that not be the case but it is. I take action every day on my problems. Right now I am certainly not taking enough action but I know that. I don't need anyone else to point that out to me.
I don't spend all day on some other persons issues and have no time for my own issues. That is how I spent my entire life. Now I have a different choice. I felt I didn't have a choice but to take care of everyone else but I learned I do and I can act on that.
The principal issue is that he didn't ask me and I don't do things for others unless they ask me and sometimes I don't do it then. I value my own boundaries a great deal these days. Most of all I needed to be needed and I thought that was a kinda love. I don't want that kinda love anymore.
I don't spend all day on some other persons issues and have no time for my own issues. That is how I spent my entire life. Now I have a different choice. I felt I didn't have a choice but to take care of everyone else but I learned I do and I can act on that.
Maresie.
Hey Maresie, I LOVE this post....I used to do the same thing to feel "important" "needed" and even "validated" even when they didn't ask.....now??? I take each case on a who is asking and what they are asking and CAN I do it w/out dissing my needs....As you said "sometimes I don't do it then"....Yep....I learned boundaries, probably was one of my first breakthroughs in recovery was getting better at boundaries.....and I don't want that kind of love either..Being a caretaker........I learned too, that I have a choice to do or not do for others...Yes, I like to be nice person, and give another a "boost" IF they are trying to help themselves and they are someone I care about who is not a user....sure..no worries, i will do what I CAN...or suggest alternative, if I cannot do anything.....I have waaay less stress exercising my right of choice........Thank you for this share, Maresie......Take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi, OL. Thanks for sharing your examples of growth in the program with us. Nice to see what you've learned to put into practice and the results that you've experienced.
I have to find the solution out of those problems. I am not looking for someone else to do that. I think one reason I was always so gung ho to solve other peoples problems is that I was desperate for someone to take over mine. Now my problems are mine and I am responsible for dealing with them.
I don't spend all day on some other persons issues and have no time for my own issues. That is how I spent my entire life. Now I have a different choice. I felt I didn't have a choice but to take care of everyone else but I learned I do and I can act on that.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie How I relate!!!!. I too took over everyone else's problems because I expected that they would reciprocate and take care of mine. I do believe that was the message I received as a child--- Take care of others,do not ever think about yourself. I figured that if I was not to think about myself how then could my problems and needs be cared for? Alanon had the answer and what a gift!!! I can see that you too have found the answer. We are responsible to take care of ourselves and then if we are able and and someone asks we can help others What a difference
Thanks for this share so filled with courage and wisdom
Truly awesome maresie. You might not be able to fix others but its clear you have really worked a strong and consistent alanon program. Thanks for sharing your ESH. That does help people heal themselves.
I am always mystified when I give and give and give...and get nothing back..then the resentment starts. I am working very hard to give less, take care of others less, and doing so with NO strings. I have learned that I am the only one I can count on to take care of me. Thanks for the post..good journal fodder for the morning.
-- Edited by rehprof on Wednesday 7th of August 2013 05:29:02 AM
Maresie you've been listening and practicing...what a share!! I hang with this ESH...it worked for you and is what has worked for me too. Thanks for the share (((((hugs)))))
I am always mystified when I give and give and give...and get nothing back..then the resentment starts. I am working very hard to give less, take care of others less, and doing so with NO strings. I have learned that I am the only one I can count on to take care of me. Thanks for the post..good journal fodder for the morning.
-- Edited by rehprof on Wednesday 7th of August 2013 05:29:02 AM
very very true....can so relate.....I gave, literally till it hurt....now I give, yes, but I check my motives first....is it really from the heart/?? love/?? no expectations of return?? if not??? check my motives...do a quicky step 10.....yes, its FINE...NICE to be generous, but charity and generosity BEGINS at home/ME.........and yea, when the fat lady sings, I notice that I am the only one that has not jumped off my ship.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Such an important concept! How long it has taken for me to understand that this is a choice!!!
Similar to Hotrod, it seems that my childhood message was to take care of others and not myself. I now recognize this as another form of manipulation and control that was used in order to have me believe that I am responsible to satisfy other's whims and needs. Often, it is presented as subtle and not-so-subtle ultimatums that would require me sacrificing pieces of my soul in order to comply. I am so grateful that I now understand the dynamics and choose to value myself in all my decisions and actions. Love for myself and enforcing healthy boundaries replaced the fear of the outcomes with respect to other's "gifts" of manipulation.
