Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> new to the forum and can use advice
Post Info TOPIC: new to the forum and can use advice
Phyllis


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
new to the forum and can use advice
Permalink  

I have been dating a man for a year who claims he is a heavy drinker. We have a great relationship, have a lot in common, finish each others sentences, travel well together and for a senior citizens we enjoy a good physical relationship. What bothers me the most is the anxiety of incoherent text, phone calls or no contact at all...wondering if he'll cancel at the last minute or be extremely late.  I recognize that he is trying to change and I tell him I appreciate the effort. Currently, we are on a 2 week hiatus and will get together on Sunday to talk.

I live in a constant state of angst...I want to continue the relationship without the feeling of dread that comes over me.

 

Any suggestions



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 8th of August 2013 10:58:12 PM

__________________
Bettina


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1744
Date:
new to the forum aqnd can use advice
Permalink  



Phyllis,

Welcome!!

Why the two week Hiatus.? Think he may be trying to hide how much he really drinks.?

What are your expectations from this relationship.? Do you want it to be more? I think thats when the
problems will come, if you have more expecations of which he can't deliver. Your unhappiness will be even more.

You have come to alanon for help, thats the good part because,. In Alanon or MIP its not about the drinker and
what we can do about him. Only they can make the diagnosis if they are alcoholic or not. You are dealing with being
uncomfortable and angst and dread, I know the feeling very well, as my X alcoholic would not show up, or not come
home for days at at time on a binge. You are feeling something and your feelings cannot be denied.

I say if his drinking is interfering with the relationship then there is a problem whether he be heavy drinker or Alcoholic.?
We are not here to tell you what you should do about your relationship, only to help you get relief from what you are feeling. Do you have or have had other alcoholics in your life? If not, alcoholics have the knack of picking the best of the best women. They arn't fools.


Alanon has face to face meetings in your area of where you live. You should attend. Listen, have an open mind, read the material and you decide the fate of your relationship and if you should continue.

Keep coming back to the board, read the experiences, I'm sure most of it will ring true to you. My hope is that you will continue
you have made the first step.
Hugs, Bettina



-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 5th of August 2013 02:22:27 PM

__________________
Bettina
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

Dear Phyllis....

From past experience, as long as he is NOT in AA, practicing his program, he will , guaranteed, get worse..Alcohol abuse is progressive and ends in death...You think things are difficult now?? if he does not get into recovery, things , for sure will get worse..For him and his health and for you and your emotional and mental health

I strongly urge you to get into alanon, work the 12 steps, get a sponsor to guide you, get the 12 steps workbooks to work on YOU..To teach you to focus on YOU...also I would get into as many alanon meets as possible.....

You may discover ,working your program, that although he may be a "nice guy"  this relationship has NO hope w/out his getting into active AA and then AA will suggest to him that he focus only on his recovery....

You did not cause this...You will never control him and his drinking, you will never cure him....

I urge you to work the steps so you can figure out why a relationship is "great" when  you say " the anxiety of incoherent text, phone calls or no contact at all...wondering if he'll cancel at the last minute or be extremely late. "    THINK about that statement...Is this a life you want to buy into?????  Unless he gets into program and really puts his nose to the grindstone, these things you describe will only get worse......PEACE



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
hisimage


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 37
Date:
Permalink  

Phyllis,

Welcome to you. I am wondering about your statement that you live in a constant state of angst. If I took the chance when I could have
I would have asked myself.... what do I think would change the angst and dread for me? What would need to happen for me to no longer feel that way?

That might help you a little more...
Just My opinion.

Be well,

__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

Hi, Phyllis: The angst would be my first clue that this relationship is probably not in my best interest. I was married to an alcoholic although didn't know it when we dated. Just assumed his Air Force drunk stories and drinking in bars on weekends was just a phase. He went from alcohol to pot and after we divorced - cocaine. He was fun. He was interesting. He was clean cut when I met him. We had religion, age, politics and love of family in common. The whole relationship after we married was a downhill slide as his disease progressed and I got sick, too. We can deny the drinking problem bothers us, but as the disease progresses - it will bother us a whole lot more. Al-Anon is a good idea whether you stay in this relationship or choose to end it.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:
Permalink  

That would be like ignoring the pain of a broken leg! You heart is trying to tell you something, I invite you to listen.Intuition is usually right. Part of you knows this relationship is not right.

It's hard to face when so many things sound so good. This is one reason I never would get into a physical relationship until I was married. It clouds us from really seeing the other person.

Keep coming! love,debilyn

 

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
neshema2


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:
Permalink  

Debilyn wrote:

That would be like ignoring the pain of a broken leg! You heart is trying to tell you something, I invite you to listen.Intuition is usually right. Part of you knows this relationship is not right.It's hard to face when so many things sound so good. This is one reason I never would get into a physical relationship until I was married. It clouds us from really seeing the other person.

Keep coming! love,debilyn

 

 

 WOW...Debilyn, you got a good point....get a Head and Heart relationship FIRST....then let the physical stuff happen  WHEN you KNOW this relationship is for the long haul......It has always been my philosophy....glad to see another gal thinking the same way.........Any guy I make friends with, is sorta on "probation"  I take it REAL easy....nice and slow....observe...ask ???s....get to know him......watch for red flags......follow my instincts........thanks Deb....Hey!!!!  How are the critters doing???? Give that horsey and piggie a biiiiig squeeze from me.....and all the other critters.....I miss having more animals.....Best therapy next to alanon in the world......



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

Aloha Phyllis and welcome to the board.  Only one of the things I would ask is have you been in a relationship with an alcoholic or addict before?  The definition of alcoholism states that the alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death.   Sound like he is and so are you, in the insanity phase.  Alcoholism doesn't only kill the drinker it can and will and has killed non-drinkers associated with drinkers.  I have witness that first hand and the victims have been infants to elders.   A "heavy" drinker means a drinker who often goes way beyond reason and since alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical holding high position in the list of poisons (intoxicants) you are participating and are becoming another victim.  You are not a hapless victim however your intuition brought you hear to beconfirmed and now you know.  Scroll back and read the stories of others who have come here looking for help and those also who have stayed.  

Alcoholism affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions...which of those is being affected for you?  Elderly participants have less strength to deal with the disease.

Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon...call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and come join us as quickly as you can.  You might want to put off the face to face with him so that you can get to some meetings "to talk with some people who know"  first.

Good that you found your way here to MIP.  This is family that underestands and who has been there themselves.  Have a thought in between that we also hold close to our hearts.  It is called the 3Cs.   "You didnt cause this.  You cannot control it.  You will not cure it.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> new to the forum and can use advice