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I am laughing at myself really .. I had the opportunity to hear my sponsor speak for the first time at an open AA meeting last night and OMGosh .. I'm SOOOO glad I went!! I'm struggling with the face to face meetings at the moment, because of a person and me trying to learn how not to shut people out when I hurt. There is one meeting in town she doesn't go to and I'm going to start attending there regularly especially now that the issue of visitation is off the table. It's across town it will mean late nights .. that's ok .. I really like this meeting.
Anyway, .. yes .. there is an ongoing theme in my life at the moment .. some of it's them however I have no doubt the majority is me.
My point .. I always have a point and then 100 others pop up .. lol.
Oh yes, .. part of the reason I had to cut ties with this person is they are caught in their own sickness and I can get sucked into that vortex. They believe what the STBAX is telling them and not what he has shown to be true over and over again. That's ok because that is where they are at .. I can't be in that place it's detrimental to my mental and physical health. So they can go there alone and live in the fantasy that an active A will lie to everyone else except them.
I remember my daughter saying to me .. Mom .. he LIED to ME!? I hugged her and I started laughing and she was not amused to say the least. I shared with her QTIP and how important was it. The reality is and I told her this .. honey, if he was lying to everyone else except you we would put you in a museum because you would be that kind of rare and special. I always thought I was special because he DID lie to ME. I thought I was the only one he was lying to. The reality is your Dad lies to everyone around him, most of all he lies to himself so his disease doesn't have to face the hard cold realities of everything he has given up. We kind of have to feel sorry for someone who feels it necessary to lie in order to survive life and avoid the consequences of their own makings. Until something he tells you actually comes to fruition .. you certainly have the right to remind him about it .. just don't hold your breath unless it benefits him as well.
Recently his s/mom questioned me as to if he was really drinking. Was I sure? Did I really have proof? Her place was the safe haven for the kids and mine too for pick up and drop off's. That had to stop when I realized she was buying into what he was selling and taking it upon herself to fix, manage and control the situation. I wasn't doing it right. She was going to call him and see if he wanted to take the kids swimming when she had them and so on .. umm .. soooo NOT your business and SOOOO not appropriate considering I'm in the middle of court proceedings and after it is all said and done .. we can revisit what is going on and I want to work with him .. until anything is in writing .. I can't have someone undermining the proceedings by helping him be engaged with his own children. He has to do that on his own. I was the emotional buffer between him and the kids and now here she stepped right in and started trying to do it. I realize that she views my stbax as her son and she pretty much raised him. The enabling that happened and continues is mind blowing even knowing what she knows .. again .. it's one of the many reasons I distance myself.
As I reminded her what the kids and I were dealing with she shifted gears and realized she bought into what he was selling, .. the damage had been done in my mind. The funniest thing she said, and it's funny to me because it reminds me of my daughter .. was well .. how could he stand here and lie to ME!? I'm so angry that he did that! I started laughing and said .. I'm really sorry .. seriously, though .. you really think you are that special? You think that you have some different thing about you that he's not lying to you? He lies to everyone .. good grief he lies to his own children .. YES .. he's going to lie to you too. Her response was well .. I haven't done anything to him .. that REALLY made me chuckle to myself .. umm .. ok .. and I let it go. Again .. he lies to everyone including his own atty .. LOL .. I will never ever ever forget the look on his face when he was so indignant that I told my atty about his affair .. DUH .. why would I not?! You shouldn't have told him .. (that was the first atty) my response .. well guess what the other atty knows as well! You are suppose to tell your atty everything so they know what they are dealing with .. LOL!
Being questioned by her in this manner really hurt me. I doubt we will be as close as we once were .. I don't think it was healthy for either of us.
The bottom line is .. it doesn't matter what boundaries are laid before an active A .. are they lying? The answer to that for me is .. are their lips moving? Then they are probably lying. I do believe that the intension that is spoken in moments of lesser fog is truly there and everything is spoken in truth in that moment .. eyes blink and the moment is gone and the keen alcoholic mind kicks in and that is the reality of what I am left to deal with.
It doesn't mean it hurts less or is less confusing .. I'm just really not that special one way or another and neither is anyone else. If I buy what he's selling it just keeps me as sick as he is at the moment.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You take a crazy situation and find the humor, quite an ability!
I'm having to learn how to not share with my MIL. I've come to realize that it's not healthy. Initially when everything was falling in around me I reached out to her. But in the years since I've realized that it's a bad idea. I have Al-Anon, and that's where I need to share.
Of course in my opinion she needs Al-Anon too but she wouldn't hear this from me and didn't appreciate it when my AH told her that she needed to go to a meeting. If she ever did decide to go there is a meeting on her side of town so I doubt she would come to my side.
HUGS!!!! You do a great job of navigating this whole crazy story, and doing your best with what is being thrown your way!!! Keep up the great work!!!
They lie, then they try to impress on you how much they REALLY love you... yep, lips are moving means they are lying. Its sad and really hard to "get" and easy to FORget because its hard to believe that there are people out there to whom lying is just the way they are. I hate not telling the truth to someone, its just not in my nature, I don't do it well and I'm sure there is a blinking "LIE" sign over my head. With my XA, he was sometimes so earnest and sure sounding while lying, he does it well and doesn't think anything of saying something like "well, I'll just lie to him".
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Oh, wow, what likemyheart said really rings true with me right now. After we had a nice 'talk' the other night where I was pointing out a few lies he told, he told me how much he loved me, etc and then a few minutes later he lied. And, what's worse is that he threw his own kid under the bus and made it sound like it was our 14 year old who was uncommunicative and difficult and the real problem.
The depth of their own denial amazes me and yes, they lie to everyone including their children. Thanks, Pushka, for sharing because I needed to remember that I'm not that special. He's lying to himself so, of course, he has to lie to me! DUH
Well what I really want to be clear about is what my sponsor shared last night and that was what she learned from our speaker here in town this spring at our workshop .. the intension is always there to be honest and not to lie .. the intension is completely true .. the follow through lacks because that keen alcoholic mind gets in the way. The keen alcoholic mind want what it wants which is instant gratification.
I had forgotten about that .. I have the cd from that meeting and I need to listen to it this weekend, strictly as a reminder that omgosh .. duh .. I know this stuff.
How easily I buy into the keen alcoholic mind and all of the manipulation that my own mind goes into because of what I want to believe soooo desperately. All of it based completely on words no actions. The other thing I have to really remember is that I cause more of my pain than the stbax does .. now .. the financial stuff .. no he absolutely is responsible for that and his deception on what he will do and lack of follow through that is his part .. my part in my own pain is my expectation that him and his keen alcoholic mind can even begin to fulfill the promises that he makes. Again I believe what he says .. not what he shows me. It is MY expectation that gets in the way of how I think someone else should think instead of accepting this is who he is .. that doesn't mean I don't follow through on holding him accountable .. although .. I know that is up to the courts and how slow those wheels turn .. how's this for realization .. my son is 9 .. if stbax can hold down this job for the next 9 years .. he will have garnishment after garnishment attached literally he will have garnishments until he's almost 70 years old. That is how long it will take me to get the money he's NOT paying right now .. it makes me want to vomit. It is what it is and if that's how long it's going to take .. that's how long it's going to take .. it would suck to be him in this case.
Had an interesting conversation with my mom today and it reminded me immediately how she doesn't get it ... (I mean that in a factual logical way), .. I'm suppose to tell stbax how he's breaking the rules. I'm suppose to explain what an OP is .. I'm suppose to just ignore what he's doing. He can break the rules that's ok. I didn't argue per say it was more .. no mom, .. this is legally the law he's used up all of his get out of free jail cards at this point .. I didn't DO this to him .. he did this TO himself. It's his atty's job to explain what an OP is .. it's HIS atty's job to explain what no contact means .. it's HIS atty's job to explain what third party contact is .. it's not MY job .. I'm not his acting wife even .. and I'm certainly not his mother. This is no longer MY issue as to what he understands or doesn't .. if my 14 year old understands what an OP is and what is third party contact then a fully grown man his age alcoholic or not has the ability to find out from many different sources .. hey .. ask the damn dui club at his job .. I bet ALL of them know.
Anyway, I guess I see things very differently in terms of how this affects the kids and I. What is my responsibility and what is not .. I'm amazed constantly that I'm not surrounded .. however there is more than one person who will tell me what I should do and how I should feel.
It's an interesting process to say the least .. hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Can relate to everything you said but just wanted to agree with you about how ridiculously slow the court system is. When I worked in the attorneys office, I heard the frustration every day from clients that were expected to hurry up and wait, juggle bills and hand off their children to irresponsible partners while the wheels of justice plodded along. Keep smiling. and lol'ing!!
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
