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I feel i know the answer, but I do want somebody to agree or disagree.
We live far away from my family (parents and brother's family). So nobody knew my husband had a drinking problem. This summer my mom visited us for two months with my brother's daughter, and for the first time they saw my husband drinking at home, missing work, etc. He was not drinking in front of them, he would close himself in the room, he would drink from a coffee cup etc so it wouldn't be that obvious, plus he is not aggressive, not loud, he is just drinking a lone quietly . Of course my mom saw it and my AH understands that she understands. But he thought that the 10-year old girl wouldn't understand. Today my brother called me and and asked me about my AH (why he is not going to work, etc) In the beginning i was about to cover up and tried doing it a little, said he was sick, but i felt like my brother knew and i told him what was happening. His reaction was good, he wasn't judgmental and he was very supportive. Anyway when i came home and talked a little with my AH I mentioned about my brother, and his response was that I did bad by telling it outside of the family. He said he doesn't tell staff about me to everybody (I used to criticize him and yell), but now he will (which i don't care).
But now I am not sure should i have told my brother the truth or not? I felt good, I got the support, he will pray for my AH and I was feeling good. Did I betray my AH in any way? It seems like he is still denying the problem, and plus it was my mistake to even talk to him while he was still drinking. But anyway, i now feel like he will blame me for telling people instead of accepting his problem. Please share your thoughts!!
I know how you feel. I used to feel like I was betraying my husband, too, when I shared what was going on in our home. It was his shame and my shame that really wanted to keep these secrets, but if I wanted to get well I had to stop keeping secrets. Since your mom observed his behaviors and your brother asked, you just told the truth. Badmouthing or bashing your husband with your brother is one thing, but acknowledging the truth is necessary. When I got into al anon, I had a place to share and I did not have as much of a need to share with others outside of the program. I also became more discerning about what I told my husband. I knew how he would react, so it became silly to start something when I knew how it would end. You did fine...it is not a good idea to gauge whether you have done wrong by your husbands reactions. He is a sick man and I mean no disrespect when I say that...it is what it is. We have been where you are...there is no judgment. I wish you the best and am sending you a big hug.
Thank you PP! I didn't badmouth my husband in any way, and didn't my brother or mother. Both were very concerned and carrying. I am now worried that he will use this as a main focus once he gets sober. He wont think about his issues, he will just start blaming people around. He said it is nobody's business, etc So I guess that will be topic for the next few weeks and not the fact that he himself exposed himself and he was the reason people saw it. Unfortunately he will use the card "his wife didn't defend him"
It wasnt in the telling the truth to your brother, since you were comfortable with that.
You have to think about what you should disclose to your A husband.
But live and learn. Knowing the alcoholic brain, your husband will forget all about it and getting your husband to
accept his problem, thats a bigger challenge. One that he will struggle with.
I definitely would rather speak to an Alanon member than anyone else, even my brother who had no judgements, of my X A, still doesnt understand the disease of alcoholism . They just don't get it. Not to you experience it.
Betrayal??? thats a big word. I wouldnt worry. One Day At a Time.
He probably will blame you because that is what emotionally immature busted active alcoholics do. Does that mean you were wrong? No. You have every right to family support for yourself. His expecting you to keep it secret and not talk to your family is the same as if he said he had cancer but you were not allowed to tell your family about that. he has a serious life-threatening illness. he can refuse help to cope with it but that does not mean you have to or should. To expect that of you is unreasonable and cruel.
Remember that alcoholism prefers to operate under cover. The less people the A thinks knows about it, he thinks the less there's a chance someone will hold him accountable for it.
You have a right to your peace, and I've found for me that means to cease covering for the A and making up false excuses.
The only part I had to be careful on was how I chose to share the information. I tried to remember that while the A was sick, he still deserved respect. If I let loved ones know he had a drinking problem, I did so without adding emotional embellishments. A simple "I feel he has a drinking problem" was fine. If I said "Oh my god! His drinking is terrible and it's ruining our lives!!" then I know in hindsight I wouldn't feel good about what I said.
When we discussed this issue, i was trying to minimize, but to be truthful at the same time.
Now I am confused. I shouldn't have told my AH that now my brother and my mom know about it? I really don't know what to tell him when he is sober. I don't argue anymore, don't accuse or yell. But he needs to know some things that he may not remember, just to bring him back to the reality. That he passed out infront of tv and people saw it, or that when he came home (he pretended he left to work and was drinking for some time in the parking lot) his pants were wet. How do I tell him that? Or I shouldn't?
The disease of alcoholism operates under it's own rules These rules are developed by the disease to protect itself and keep reality from entering. The rules are e based on denial of reality and pretend all is well.
If you attempt to break these rules he will look at this as a betrayal, justify his actions and blame everyone including you for his failings.
. Telling him what he did when drunk will just unleash his tools of denial , anger, blame and justification.
Remembering the First Step tells us that we are powerless over the alcoholic I would examine my motives as to the reason I wanted to share this information and proceed from there.
As has been mentioned it is wise to share with alanon family members rather than family members Alanon friends are experiencing the same reality and can offer constructive tools to help
I was at the place where I truly no longer cared what he thought about much of anything.... he was a very verbally abusive alcoholic...
I do know that for me I chose to talk to my sponsor and other Al-anons versus telling my AH much...I wasn't safe from his words, so I
had to learn to quit doing the same thing over & over thinking I would get a different outcome. You will learn here how to trust the people
that are safe, how to not feel like you have to tell all to your A, its just not always in our best interest to do so...If you let go and let him
do what he needs to, to get sober/or not & you put the focus on you, you will be amazed! Sometimes the really HARD stuff doesn't go away very quickly
but you will learn tools here that can make your life a whole lot easier! And the fact that you are no longer alone in any of this!! Do you go to f2f meetings?
If not, I encourage you to do so! The more meeting you make, the better off YOU will be! Prayers to you and keep reaching out:) (((HUGS)))
I think it is interesting that they think they are hiding it. All of my neighbors know that my husband drinks, but he thought he was getting one over on them. I use to think it was my fault, but after a while being in ala-anon I knew it was not. I really need the support of friends and neighbors. It feels good to me to have it out there.
They were there....they saw....brother asked and you told the truth.....the A was mad b/c he was "busted" and it hurt his ego....
You did the right thing...Truth is always the best way...Remember...we are as sick as our secrets....Now I dont' mean going on Facebook and advertising it, but if someone asked me if my A was an "A" becuz they saw something?? I would say "yep, he is" and be brief, but I never lied and covered up.....Nope...Not my thing to lie!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
After all this happened is it a better way to handle by not addressing anything? Just keeping on? We have a trip planned this friday for 2 nights out of state, he should be sober by then, but probably will have a few over there. I dont want to ruin the trip with discussions but also dont want to leave the elephant in the room. What is a better way to approach it?
After all this happened is it a better way to handle by not addressing anything? Just keeping on? We have a trip planned this friday for 2 nights out of state, he should be sober by then, but probably will have a few over there. I dont want to ruin the trip with discussions but also dont want to leave the elephant in the room. What is a better way to approach it?
I think I would just let it all go, talking to an active alcoholic never made much sense to me, I always kept it at a minimum b/c "discussion" with an active alkie never produced much results
Are you going to any meets??? Meets are really therapeutic also working the steps with I hope you have a sponsor...If not, I urge you to latch onto one b/c really...I see you more worried about him and focusing on h im than yourself....You cannot change him, cannot cure him, cannot control him....If you want to keep your wits on, you need to focus on you, your meetings , your step work w/sponsor, the literature, posting on the boards here is good too, but I don't just rely on this forum for my needs to be met...I may do a post and get zero responses b/c people are busy...so I get into the meets, talk w/my co-recovery mate.....I hope you have all this ongoing in your life b/c its the only way you are gonna be able to live with him or if you choose to leave, your gonna need to be healthy with YOU....I would love to see you focusing on what you are doing to take care of and recovery work for YOU....as to him?? I would just let it go...detach, mentally and emotionally from all his "stuff" if he drinks on the trip is he driving??? I sure would not want to ride with a drinker driving....I hope you take measures to take care of you...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My experience also is that telling him what happened after he got drunk/passed out never had any discernable effect. You don't have to keep it quiet and behave like it didn't happen, but I don't think it's necessary to announce it either. You can just refer to it if the subject comes up. When he learns that your family knows about his drinking, he'll probably get defensive and accusatory because that's what alcoholics do. They try to enforce a reality of "I'm perfectly okay and anyone who thinks I'm not is just deluded." But when we buy into that, we become just as sick as they are. So we let them think that (since we can't change it -- when they want to face real reality, they have all the evidence they need everywhere they look). But we can think differently. And we don't have to hide the reality from other people, especially those who are close to us and concerned about us. Otherwise we're really protecting our alcoholics from the consequences of their drinking, which is that people will conclude that they have a problem. Well, they do have a problem.
I have to laugh about how I thought no one knew I was drinking. They all knew anyway!
but here's the thing. How do YOU feel about your husbands drinking? What about your feelings?
as for your question, here's what I see:
its not your brothers business unless he asks TRULY because he's concerned about his daughter being around your husband for some REAL reason. I repeat: a REAL reason such as physical or TRUE psychological harm.
a good response for the future could be something like, "You would have to ask him that."
i know for me, if Im not on my game, I can burden anyone who will listen with my problems as long as they validate me or give me the love or acceptance I crave.
The truth is, it's gossip.
it sounds like you then went to AH and told him you gossiped about him which hurt him, yes.
it could have been unintentional gossip or it could have been done because you really wanted to punish AH for his drinking or something else.
An additional note here:
"Burdening" others with our problems: also sometimes I don't have the courage to tell someone I don't want to talk about it so instead I say a little something then I start REALLY dumping on them telling them everything I feel about it - lol! That's what I mean. Bit I do it to round them up in my troops. Takes a lot of courage not to start the ball rolling!
Only you know what happened.
Also, we should not gossip but AH is responsible for what people think of his drinking.
Looking for others opinions about your actions is very confusing for all concerned.
Alanon suggests that we examine our own motives, and admit when we are "wrong' when we believe we have acted poorly. If you are satisfied that you acted in your best interest without wishing to harm hubby - simply let it go and move on There is too much more to learn about responding than just rehashing former actions.
Alanon suggests that we:" Learn the lesson and then move on."
Keep the focus on yourself, live one day at a time and keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 1st of August 2013 06:58:28 AM
Venera: Lots of support as you continue to deal with the ways this disease has affected you. You've made a lot of changes since you first started posting and with Al-Anon recovery work, you can continue to do that. Its up to us and our HP to decide what is the most loving thing we can do for ourselves first. Right now, it appears you are seeking the comfort and support of people who love you and that may change if you get more involved with Alanon recovery work for yourself. Right now, you are doing the best you can with the tools you have to work with. AlAnon will help you discover new tools to use for your own recovery work. Guilt is a big part of our disease - a lot of it unrealistic. Al-Anon helps us work through that and learn healthier ways of treating ourselves.
In my own recovery work, I learned just how often I indicted myself as guilty, guilty, guilty and there were plenty of people who would validate that for me based on their own understandings and their own value system. Learning that other people's opinions of me - negative or positive - didn't have to be my guiding light - and therefore, were none of my business, was a welcomed lesson. I forget sometimes to step back and watch what happens to me when I allow others to influence my thinking and feelings about myself and my growth, but I'm much better at it than I once was. I notice that the same people indicting me one day will appreciate me/applaud me on others - and this has nothing to do with me. Its about them and what they are thinking and feeling at the time. And I'm still working on this.
From what you write, you have experienced some comfort and relief and some freedom. Considering all that is on your plate and with a new baby coming, it must feel like heaven to you? Alanon recovery work will help you increase those experiences for yourself.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of August 2013 11:19:13 AM
Now I feel like I shouldn't have said it. I definitely didn't tell him to get back at AH or to gossip about him. I was just tired of lying and pretending. I never told anyone but priest. I actually started to tell him that he was just sick, but then my brother continued asking and at first i said i couldn't talk, etc.. in the end i just spelled it out. My brother had all the good intentions, he will not gossip himself and he goes to church often, so I was glad that he offered to pray for us.
For me, now, confusion can sometimes be a really good place, as I will take the time to look at an issue. I do and say things I wish I hadn't, but oh well. If I have said things to hurt people, then I make it right with my HP, me and the person involved. Before recovery, my motives often were to hurt and control my husband...often stemming from my pain. I read this quote this morning from Richard Rohr and loved it If you do not transform your pain, you will always transmit it. Al anon will help you clear up your confusion and your motives. Up to this point, you did not know better, so forgive yourself and move forward...don't drag the garbage into the now.
Doing the steps was a way for me to use my past to find God.
He was in the Truth; He is Truth.
Recovery is not about judging ourselves; we just want the Truth. Then we are given a way to think differently so we can act upon Truth (in the way God wants.)
If there is no other way to live than the way we always did, things won't change.
I needed the right kind of support - a right person to take all of this to - a sponsor.
No priest or pastor has ever been able to help me recover, and I never saw an alcoholic or Alanon recover through church.
I needed the guilt and pain to give me the willingness to find a real experienced sponsor and do the steps.
Around here there are more Alanons using AAd Big Book (per Alanon tradition 5) and the recovery is immense.
I read this before and didn't have time to post and sure enough the MIP family got here before I had time and gave you lots of great ESH and love before me. I only want to add the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie were so helpful as was getting to face to face al-anon meetings and lots of them and finding my sponsor helped me to figure out the things you are now starting to become aware of. I hope you are able to dive into your recovery and keep coming back. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you guys for all the comments! I kind of get it now!)) But it will take time to chahge my thinking, it is true it is still important to me what other people think about me and what my AH thinks about his problem, because I still kind of think that when he stops drinking our lives will change for better. But i cant put my life on hold waiting for that day, apparantly i have so much to work on myself. Thank you all for pointing that out!))) Love this forum!
