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Hi , My husband is well functioning as well. I've not addressed it like you want to and I am just learning as well. So, take that with a grain of salt if you wish. Hooray--- your both going to counseling, you lucky girl!! :D I would go alone to my counselor and get some imput. He/she will probably have some great words of wisdom. And, might even know some places you can stay until you decide what you are going to do.
Good luck, and Be well, HS
-- Edited by hisimage on Wednesday 31st of July 2013 03:50:31 PM
My husband is a functionong alcoholic and does not believe he has a problem. He displayes all the classic signs. To make a long story short and to get to the point, I have been reasearching places to live in order to move out of our home. I need advice on how to approach this with my husband. We have been going to marriage counceling, but the root of the problem in our marriage is his drinking, something he doen not want o discess and dances around it when we do. Should I make an appt with our councelor and bring it up? Should I talk to him about on my own? I assure you I do not feel that I am in danger phisically. He has never been physically abusive. I just cannot live in this chaos anymore and do not want his drinking to be the standard set for our 10.5 month old daughter. Please, advise on how I should approach this with him.
different people will give their ESH- experience strength and hope...
Hi Carri, I am David, a proud member of Alanon. A long-timer.
Years ago anyone married would have been encouraged to stick at it, if they could. Experience shows that unless we change, by that I mean the family member, its like going from the frying pan into the fire.
Times have changed today; a lot of improvements for women especially. For me, and most of Alanon we make no judgements. Many, most of us, have bin there, done that.
Alcoholism is an illness.
I will leave the rest up to others... but welcome to the Alanon MIP board.
you are talking about boundaries. if you are really ready to move out then it doesn't really matter how and where you tell him. this is the boundary that you have reached and the boundary that has been crossed. if you are planning to tell him and bring it up as a way to get him to try and stop drinking it is not going to work and it's a waste of your energy. if this is about you and what you are no longer willing to tolerate it doesn't much matter how you tell him just that you follow through on your boundary.
I concur, let go of any expectation that what you say or do is going to change him. You can absolutely change yourself.
What I have learned in the past 18 months of my STBAX moving out is he believes what I show him, he doesn't listen to what I say. I have court orders, judgments (legal ones), there is even an OP and he still doesn't listen to what I say to him. Going to jail because of violating the OP .. that kind of got his attention. Now me on the other hand I desperately want to believe what my STBAX says to me and I pay no attention to his actions. I have had to force my mind to take a different track when it comes to this behavior.
The disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful, the 3 stages of control that the disease will go through which are similar to the denial I go through .. bargaining .. if you don't leave I will stop drinking, (that doesn't work) begging (usually crying is attached) .. please please please don't go I will do ANYTHING, and then the anger .. fine I don't need you anyway, YOU are the problem YOU are the crazy person. Get out YOU are CRAZY!
It has been an incredibly difficult journey for me to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean .. and I still foul it up badly.
I hope you will find a face to face meeting in your area, learn about the disease (I'm terrified I'm going to pick someone else who is an addict and I don't want to do that again I've done it twice it happens) and how it affects the entire family. Find out what works and doesn't work for you. Usually the encouragement is not to make any big changes for 6 months so someone can get into the program and find their footing. I have found for me that the more I get to know myself the better my boundaries are and the healthier I am. If I'm ok .. my kids are going to be ok too.
Please keep coming back .. this is not a one shot deal and everything is fixed .. it's a long term program for long term gains. The gains are wonderful.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean.......
You might find some good advice from your counselor but if you set a boundaries or make a decision stick by it. If you don't the A will continue his actions because he will not believe you anymore. Been there many times.
Take care of you......
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
He has never been physically abusive. I just cannot live in this chaos anymore and do not want his drinking to be the standard set for our 10.5 month old daughter. Please, advise on how I should approach this with him.
If you are telling him about the move to "change" him, it won't work....are you moving to take care of you and the baby??? is the move really for you??? For your sake, I hope so, b/c if you are doing this to "get him to change" it will never work....IF you are moving to take care of you and baby and live a healthier life??? then does it really matter how or where you tell him??? i would just tell him and be done w/it as long as you know he is safe and not about to get violent....if he really is non violent, just tell him!!! Take care....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
In Alanon we do give opinions, but not advice...