Lately two people on my horizon have been triggering me tremendously.  I am sure these people just show up in my life to teach me various lessons because they certainly just pop up outta nowhere all the time.  But oh how much I would like to make it all about "them" and not me.  When I lived or rather should say endured with the ex A I did of course believe it was all "him".  Now I am at a point that no matter what people do in my life there is a choice in the response.  I may not like or really be able to accept what certain people do but I can (when I am in my right mind) choose my response to them.  I absolutely have a choice no matter how much I think and obsess that I don't. 

What is triggering for me about these two women is their extreme need for attention within their relationships. I absolutely believed in being needed, wanted and sustained 24/7 just like they do (I would not be bothered by them otherwise).  Of course, needless to say I was one of those people who needed and wanted the ex A to show me some kind of a love compulsively.  I also had my whole life revolving around him and what he did rather than my own goals.  Being in a relationship was such a core need for me.  I felt when I wasn't in a relationship that I wasn't valuable on some level. I had to have someone to hold onto on some level because I felt so abandoned by so many people from my family.  I really wanted to get to a "we" really fast.  That is even before I got to the first date.  Before I even considered the now ex A as a boyfriend there was no consideration about who is this person we were a "we".  In the "we" mode I didn't get to look at him because I was so obsessed with the notion of being a "we".   I never saw him in the rampage to get to the "we" then I bemoaned the fact he was an alcoholic/addict. 

I have dated some people in the time since I left the ex A.  I am no longer that person who rushes to the "we". Al anon stuck with me through thick and thin and believe me before al anon, therapy, compulsive talking for hours on end with all my friends, agony, fear and rage, didn't prompt me to change me from needing a "we" to simply being an "I".  These days I don't "want" (that is crave and obsess) a relationship or "need" (like the blood flowing in our veins)  a relationship I think it might be quite nice to have one but if my needs are not being met I am able to let go of them very very swiftly. I was never able to let go before without considerable agony (and I do mean that I suffered tremendously to the point of being suicidal and really very very depressed) because I could not and would not let go of the whole concept of "we".  I was ready to did for the "we" I really was. 

Needless to say with these two women there is no concept they will ever be an "I".  One of them has another boyfriend set up before she is finished with the first one.  Please bear with me I am not judging these women or labeling them as dysfunctional.  I most definitely went to any and all of my ex boyfriends when I felt lonely and desperate to get away from an "I" issue.  I absolutely felt that any and all of my problems would be solved by a relationship.  In fact one of these women, when she heard I had certain problems suggested just that "boyfriend" end of problem!!!  She was pretty astonished when I didn't agree wholeheartedly with her.  Like me, this woman believes fervently she knows the answer to everyones problems. I most definitely did have a prescription for everyone and I didn't hesitate to deliver them.   Of course needless to say I no longer allow her to give me such suggestions.  A boyfriend is not the end of my problems these days but I definitely believed he was in the past.   That's why I settled for the alcoholic/addict boyfriends I had. 

I also think that even towards the end of my relationship with the ex A I had this romantic notion that "love" would solve everything.   Needless to say I also believed no matter what the ex A did (and he did it all) that I would love him regardless. There were times when I insisted on the "love" message when really I didn't love him at all at that particular time I was furious with him. But since I was convinced that I would "love" him I didn't get to the point of actually saying what did love mean to me (suicide) or was there a concept of self love within what I wanted to give.  Oh needless tos ay the ex A loved the whole idea that I loved him so desperately I was the answer to his prayers.  I never really got to examine what "love" was.  My idea of love wasn't something tenable, sustainable or even possible.  I lived in a complete fantasy and I came close to drowning in that fantasy. 

I certainly don't have all the answers for relationships and I wish these two women well on their "love quests". I certainly won't be suggesting anything to them.  These days I am no longer the person who knows just what others need to do.  I know and concentrate on my own life because that's the one I am in charge of.  

 

Maresie.

 

The

 

I'm working so hard on taking back charge in my life. It's a bad night for me and I'm so tired, thanks for your words.

Thank you for this post!  I too am in the process of waking up from these fantasies.  I have had a strong grip on them for years, so I am trying to be gentle with the fact that it is taking me some time to come to see them for what they are.  I was sold on these fantasies as well as a child and young adult.  I am still amazed at the tenacity with which I cling to the belief that someone (a man in particular) is going to save me from myself.  Looking back at the past I can see where a) my low opinion (to put it mildly) of myself led me to idolize others, and then b) culture and society (thank you Disney, etc.) had me looking out externally for that fix.  I am only, now, years later, in working the program seeing that it is true that all that I have been seeking lies within me.  It is a comfort and somewhat of a grieving experience getting this at a heart level.  Thank you for your beautifully spoken post.