The material presented
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Wow was I a basket case or what. I'm taking it as a new learning experience that my son is no different than anyone else out there.
Yeah...I knew he could and would manipulate me but to the extent that I now see. Boy what an eye opener! He will do ANYTHING to get what he needs and anyone in the way will get run over.
A new mindset on my part what it truly means to Let Go Let God and take care of you. It can be scary if you don't detach and I mean detach. He is so out of his mind right now with fear it's best just staying away. He is emailing me with the most crazy talk you can even think of. Something about college, his fraternity life and how good he is and just doesn't understand why I don't believe him. What is that all about. I know he went to college, lived the frat life and had a great career going for him. I guess he's thinking about what he did have.
He is a mess......very sick man right now. I pray he can pull it together. He is so child like....
Now I have a whole lot of learning to do for me so these crisis of mine can be kept to a min.
Thank you so much for your support....I am not alone
PS: Looking for a new sponsor
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Glad u see this with program eyes.............SO sad that this is what it is.....He is an alcoholic and oh yea, they will use , manipulate, do anything they can to get what they want and to hell with anyone who gets in their way
The good news is....U NOW see it....Really see it.......so the grief will come, maybe some anger in with it, and then you will come to acceptance that this is what it is.....It will suck, but this is what it is...and THEN and only then, can you move on to take care of you......I see the beginnings of that phase
and we are here for U......Take care....Easy does it on you.....and One day or one task at at a time....
your gonna be ok....I can see strength in you, resolve in you, I can see perseverence in you for you....its gonna be ok...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh Cathy, I can't imagine how hard this is. I am starting to come to grips with how much my AH can manipulate and how he says the same things and makes the same promises, but just uses different words to make it sound better to me. And, it's so hard for me to NOT buy into it because I want to believe so much that he can change and that he wants to change.
. And, it's so hard for me to NOT buy into it because I want to believe so much that he can change and that he wants to change.
THIS is the catch word that sends us into Coda pergatory.....that old WANTING to believe SOOOOO much that they can change......want to change.......
When I catch myself falling into that mind set, I do a QUICK look at it NOT from the judges chair but the witness stand..........what evidence have they shown me to really make it realistic that he/she wants to change????? do their actions match the words?????? are they striving in AA or NA or whatever???? are they IN recovery at ALL??????? when I assess it w/out judgement...as I said...from the witness chair.....I can go OMG..........NOTHING in their deeds substantiate any reason why I shoudl beiieve them.......so its back to working through the anger, sorrow, grief, and then acceptance.....over and over till it sticks in my head that they are NOT doing anything sustained to change and so I have to change ME.......lower or eliminate expectations......if there is no hope today on them?? then there is no hope today for them.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Cathy: Great program work. You've come so far in a very short amount of time. Our denial systems run deep until we feel safe enough in the company of others who get it to let go of some of it. I hope you can hear us applauding????!!!!!! This is a bumpy ride and we can get sucked into a hole that for some can take months or years to get out of. You did it in just a few days if not less than that! Cheers! I hope you treat yourself today with something that celebrates your progress.
Cathy, when my son would email me, text me things like that I would not have a conversation with him because he would manipulate my words so I would text him or message him and say over and over again. I love you, I DO BELIEVE IN YOU, more than you will ever know, and therefore I believe you can work a program, get sober and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF TOO. Period thats all i said.
In support, oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Cathy...the disease is pulling the strings...all of them. Your son is very sick and the disease has control over his mind, body, spirit and emotions...it also has yours...pulling your strings. That is why and how we call alcoholism cunning, powerful and baffling. When your son gets clean and sober time he regains some control and so do you. Pain is the teacher for both of you as it was for me and the program taught me to change my response to pain. Instead of rushing to her side and doing the same things over and over again wanting different result I rushed to my own peace of mind and serenity and turned her completely over. I was taught that unless I allowed my wife to feel all of it and not to disturb the lessons she would never get sober; would always get worse and possibly die as a result. That scared the crap out of me enough that when the next and then the next emergency event happened I let go faster...offering her up and not yanking her back to and from my HP...Eventually she got sober in a dramatic, surprising way and I never could take responsibility for it other than letting go and letting God. I didn't project into the future anymore with telling myself "If I don't do something she will die". I stopped that stinking thinking and let her feel her pain. So much to learn and so much time to learn it and so many reasons to do so.
Yes indeedy, he put you through the ringer this weekend. And you got out through the other side, with more knowledge and insight into how our A's can make us feel that WE are the crazy ones. AND you were able to see the behavior for what it really was. Next time you will be able to see this coming and use this experience to grab your tools and brace yourself the best you can.
I know your heart is broken. There is nothing harder than seeing your child in the grip of addiction and watch them wallow in it. As a mother, I would take a bullet for my children, but I can not allow myself to butt in and try and "fix" my daughter. And that was easier to say and write than to put in into practice. Stopping the projected thinking is harder, but it's getting a little easier now that I have other things in my life. As Jerry said, they have to feel the pain and work it themselves.
Go easy on yourself; you did great. Do something nice for yourself. You are not alone.
I can't remember for the life of me where I heard this or read it .. it is soooo true .. as an A .. they believe what we show them not what we say. As someone who cares about the A .. I know for me I desperately want to believe what I am told vs the actions behind the words. I have to stop myself and remember right there that unless there is action behind the words there is no truth. Even then .. that action has to be consistent .. 2 week of good behavior doesn't mean it erases 3 years of awful behavior. In a keen alcoholic mind .. it absolutely should .. after all why wouldn't we believe them? They are after all nice guys who just have a little to much to drink .. what's the big deal. That is the lie the disease tells them.
In having a discussion with my daughter about what transpired a couple weeks ago .. honey .. we have already been down this road 3x now .. your dad knows where to get help and he can get himself there .. he's going to have to do this himself. Whatever he says .. he means it .. in the moment .. when that moment is gone and it's gone when he blinks his eyes or something distracts him .. you have to realize that his intension to follow through is gone. It's now on him to follow through on what he says he's going to do and we have to let go of the expectation that he will follow through as he's not going to until he actually does something. She was hoping that she had the power to "make" him get the help he needs, .. that she had the right words when no one else has had them. She understood a little better after we talked and we talked a lot about praying for him and praying for him to find his bottom so he can rebuild himself into the man God really wants him to be .. and until that happens we work on ourselves and becoming the people God wants and intends for us to be and let God do His work on her dad. It's not easy and yes, it still frustrates me and the running joke is the OP is for his protection not mine at this point.
It's so hard and this is someone who I can divorce .. I can't imagine a child nor do I even want to know. It is heartbreaking to hear the stories and just empathize with the pain.
This is truly a cunning, baffling, powerful and I will add awful disease, it rips people apart and takes no prisoners in the process. I am so sorry for your pain and confusion. I'm soooo glad to hear you are working on finding a new sponsor .. soooo important.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
