Telling my A to grow up & take responsibility - Al-Anon Family Group

JDL · Newbie

Telling my A to grow up & take responsibility

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha and welcome to the board JDL...and what you're hurting from is the consequences of enabling...were we get involved doing the best we can to get their life straightened out and on the right path and direction only to earn bad marks and get the opposite of what we were looking for and often times pissing the alcoholic off soooo much that they might drink to spite us. Been there and done that. Stick around lots of the MIP fellowship coming to offer their ESH also. Experience Strength and Hope. My suggestion is to go find the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and then come to the first group that you can. Go with an open mind...wide open mind. You're already half way there because you are concerned enough to reach out. Keep coming back here also. In support and service ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Her behavior is her own. She will do whatever she does. We can only let go, most times just love the person.Hey good for her for drying out as you call it. But again that has nothing to do with you, the family, her dog. Addiction is a disease she never chose to have. It's in their dna.

She will do whatever she believe is what she wants. I want you to believe it is nothing personal. We all want to be loved for ourselves and in spite of ourselves. The addicts in our lives have that right too.

How would you like it if she told you what to do? Or said grow up? Or how would you feel if she came over and said oh I love you sis. And you had just lost your job again, your house is a mess, your power is about to be shut off....but all she sees is you.

My students would show me their school reports. I ignored the F's, they knew they were there. I just said wow you passed this and this and you got an A. Told them I was proud. meant it. They would say well look at this F. I would say that just means you have more to learn!

When we are doing for the A what they need to do for themselves it is enabling. If we give them money, pay for their food, whatever it just makes it easier for the disease to take over. your trying to give her ideas as to what to do is her job to say to herself.

So we come to Al anon to learn things to help us communicate, love, ones with addiction, by learning we need to keep the focus on us. Believe me it can be done. If and when she relapses you will truly be sad but oh well you love her, she is your sis and A's relapse. I learned to even love and be happy around my A when he was drinking. I just loved him. I would say I am sorry you have this disease. Oh might say well that is a choice I would not have made.

Keep coming here. It can change your life! Believe me, no matter what you have said or done, its ok. We start with one step at a time and go fw.

love, debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. It's obvious to me from the way you worded things, that you really love your sister. You are feeling badly because your empathy for her is helping you see you aren't helping. We've been there and I keep doing that sometimes. It's a hard habit to break. Al-Anon will help you find you again and it will help you deal more efficiently - but not perfectly - with your sister's illness. Keep coming back even after you go to Al-Anon meetings in your area. Glad you're here.

tortuga · Senior Member

Yes, been there, done that. Wanted to help, no bad intentions, i truly loved my A, and wanted to be loved as well I guess. In a normal relationships the giving-taking is in balance, everybody has ups and lows, and can support the other sometimes to lift him up, or be lifted up by a friend instead. In alcoholism and co-dependency, well i found this balance doesn't exist. One is always taking, (and is never happy or satisfied with what he has, or what has been done for him), and the other one is constantly trying to keep the balance, which has never existed since the beginning. on top of that he gets blamed for what he does.
I understood that dynamic and I am partly responsible for it, when my A recently answered to my question:
'Why do you push me around like you do?'
his answer was straightforward: 'because you are pushable!'
got it? he was right on that. So i stopped being pushable, usable, I distract myself from his equation of misery, his business isn't my business anymore, the most healthy thing to do wa to take the decision to live separate lives. I miss him, as I saw in him my partner, friend, and possible future mate to create a family.Normal. it's what other healthy people do, when they build up a life. He saw in me a pushable, usable, sometimes lovable, sometimes hatable person, that he could blame for all the bad things that he was feeling. I have to say, I am curious now, how he will handle that in the future, when his main scapegoat is gone. I figure he will find another enabler around, there are so many, and A's work so well with guilt trips and manipulation and blackmailing...it's what this disease stands for.
I for my part am now fully aware of my role, it will still be hard on some days, not falling back in old habits...awareness is the key, and paying really close attention , knowing yourself, and looking at reality. And constantly reminding you that what other people do is none of your business, be it mother father child partner brother sister or any friend. Everybody finally is responsible for themselves.
Don't beat yourself up, you did what you did kindheartedly, I'm sure... we do that until we fully understand the disease, and then we know better, and do it differently.
and we come back here to share how we did it.... it's good to read those stories. Be patient, be attentive, be kind..and start with you....only then can others benefit from your presence.
in support

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

JDL - Don't feel too much guilt. Those things need to be said to her...they need to be in her awareness but it's just not your job. If she really chooses recovery, her sponsor and peers in AA will slowly educate her on how to grow up. So many sayings in AA regarding that process...including some that are almost comical like "Time to pull up your big girl panties!" When she's ready, AA has a niche for loving alcoholics to the point that they love themselves enough to step up to the plate and function more like adults.

In the meanwhile, dealing with her is frustrating and there is probably much hurt from the past also. That is where alanon comes in for you. After a while alanon becomes totally about you as it just becomes a philosophy and way of living that ideally makes your life better.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

JDL wrote:
but it appears to me that she intends to change nothing in the days of her life to come (and she really never really did much to busy herself in the past). Why do I keep messing up & doing my part to make her feel more alone and not heard and understood? Has anyone else out there feel like they've done more damage than good while trying to help their A?
Thank you for your response.

I see in this post someone who loves her sister dearly and wants for Sis to have a decent life, a healthy life, and liveable life and that is very normal

BUT...what do you see in her actions......Is she inAA??? is she working the steps??? is she dong ANYthing to help herself??????

if she is not....the ONLY hope you have of her going there is HANDS OFF......detach w/love but HANDS OFF....this is her karmic lesson she has to learn and as long as you interfer you are short circuting the lessons she needs to learn.....she may have to crash all the way to the bottom b4 she reaches out for help.....the only hope of her getting help is HANDS OFF

what about your program??? are you in the meetins???? have a spnsor to help you with the steps???? reading the literature???? what are you doing for you??? your program????? the only one you can help here is yourself.....Sis is gonna have to learn her own lessons...walk her own walk.....learn her own lessons and you are powerless

STEP 1.......I am powerless over ..................'s alcoholism and I accept this

STEP 2.......came to believe in a power, bigger than me as i Understand it

Step 3........Why not turn all this over to that power as I step aside and take care of me

sort of paraphrased but you get my gist....

imagine a chalk circle drawn around your feet....you are standing in this circle.....that circle is your reminder that anythng outside of that circle is completely out of your scope...out of your reach.....you cannot control or do anything about anyone /place / thing....outside of that circle.

PEACE be to you

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to try to fix my exAh and thought I needed to point everything out to him, but when he did it to me I would get mad too. I would tell him stay out of my backyard it was for me to clean up. That was before I started attending al-anon face to face meetings and found my sponsor. I learned that keeping to my own side of the street, cleaning up my own messes and not taking it all so personally was key to my sanity. I worked my program did the steps and have grown so much and now love to learn a new lesson and fill up my toolbox. I hope you dive into your program and keep coming back! Sending you love and support!

JDL · Newbie

I'm am so moved by such rapid response & by so many of you! Each of you have my most heartfelt thanks. I have located my nearest Al-Anon meetings & times, per your recommendations. My A goes to her meetings once, maybe twice a week and has been working on her first step. But that's all. (I can hear you all sighing w/ that one; I do it myself!) I will stand back & just be here for her as she needs.
With much gratitude for the advice & support you lend on this forum - JDL

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I find one of the key issues is not judging the alcoholic. We keep on asking why did he do this and why did they do that
and why can't they get their life together, why can't they sober up.

Because they are diseased.!

Recently while my x husband was in the hospital hooked up to life support, his belly swollen, his neck trached, every organ in failure ,the machine was keeping him alive. It made me realize even more that this is a horrible, horrible disease. I don't think my X would have wanted this for himself and don't think he would have chosen death by drinking. And yet there he was. I'm trying to get the picture out of mind. In some ways I don't want to forget. I think we think of the disease as something that happens to other drinkers. It can happen to anyone of your loved ones. And we can't stop it.

Some might say, well all he had to do was stop! Stop is not a word in the alcoholics vocabulary. Unless they want too.

So that brings it to US, the Alanoners , who sit by the sidelines watching, acting out, suffering, attached to this diseased person, expecting him to act in normal ways, which they cannot , so they give up on themselves because the world just expects too much from them.

Our acceptance of their disease would help us in the long run. As long as they are drinking it will always be a struggle. The stigma that is attached to this disease has to be changed. Because alcoholism is epidemic.

And us, we have to find a way to make a serene life for ourselves in all the insanity and chaos, we have to reach down into
our lives and perceive it and face the realities. There are no guarantees. The choices and possibilities are endless. Even though the disease seems like it has us cornered. All I know is the times I was critical and forceful with my X A, I only damaged myself. The A will forget what you even told him . But we don't.

I encourage all of us to keep coming back, my X is dead. I am grateful that I'm not the alcoholic and I have all these capabilities and that I have Alanon in my life to enrich it.

Hugs, Bettina

By taking your eyes off the alcoholic and letting them find their way, and we need to find our way

-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 31st of July 2013 01:12:07 PM

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