The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, M. Welcome to MIP. Lots of pain here for you - some of it from the affects of alcoholism/some of it from grieving. Sadness, depression, bitterness, resentments, anger are all part of what most of us have felt living in a marriage that is affected by this disease. We recommend Al-Anon face to face meetings where you can meet people who have experienced what you are going through and you can help you learn the steps, slogans and traditions of this program. You might be asking yourself "What can steps, slogans and traditions" have to do with what is going on with me and my family? They will help you regain control of your life and the support you need from people who understand this disease and the way it hurts us. Most of us don't go to Al-Anon until we're beaten down by this disease and don't know where else to turn.
My ex-husband and I lived together for 8 years before I'd had enough of this disease. He refused to make any changes and was like a kid himself. I felt the way you do. I didn't want to get out of bed either. My relationships changed dramatically and so did my lifestyle. And - little by little - I grew and healed and found myself again - apart from him and apart from the disease. But, even though we no longer lived together - the disease had still affected me and my children and I needed the recovery that Al-Anon offered and still do. Alcoholism is a generational disease that affects families. It also affects neighbors, co-workers and friends.
I do hope you attend Al-Anon meetings for your sake, get the Conference Approved Literature they offer, and keep coming back to MIP. We also have on-line meetings 2 times a day. The days and times are posted at this board. Lots of support. We understand. We've been there or are still there. We help each other through the dark days and celebrate the good days together, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 07:15:04 AM
I'm new to this site. I've known about Alanon for a long time but thought it wasn't for me. Well my husband of 28 years,(we've been together since we were 18) just left me 7 weeks ago. Our relationship that produced two boys to be proud of of 17 and 21 came to an end. His father was an alcoholic and so is he. In the beginning of our relationship everything was normal, very occasional drinker but the past 4 years I have lived with him being drunk from Friday to Sunday night, (Monday if it were a long weekend), I lived dreading Fridays and not looking forward to weekends. As his drinking got worse I got crazier, I tried threats, letters, compromises, you name it. He ruined every occasion possible Christmas when he fell into the dessert table and the boys and I had to sneak off, he came home boxing day vowing to the boys and I he'd never drink again, then he started and hid it but would deny it when I confronted him. He then got into a fist fight with my oldest son on Mother's day because he had been drunk for two days, I had no choice but to call the police, he was taken away and because he was so intoxicated he threatened to kill a police officer. I thought, this is it, he has finally hit his "rock bottom", again more promises, then more sneaking the drinking, then to full out drinking in front of me. It infuriated me and the more he drank the madder and crazier I got, until he told me almost daily I was crazy. Fast forward to 8 weeks ago, he was drunk again all weekend and brought a female "friend" to a neighbourhood bbq.. that was the last straw he moved out. I thought this is what I had wanted, but I'm a complete mess, I thought he would just one day get help and we would stay together. But he changed it around and said I tried caging him and he wanted to live his life. I have completely fallen apart, because even thought I hated the drunk I love the sober man I fell in love with when I was 18. I am sad, depressed, bitter, resentful, and angry. I feel like I really got the raw end of the deal, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and on with my day as I still have one son at home. He says we are toxic together, I know in my heart we are only toxic because of his drinking. I feel so weak for pining after someone who has chosen alcohol over his family. Friends and family try and be supportive but they don't understand why I am so devastated and depressed. I'm glad I found this site, I'm trying to navigate around it and see how it can help me heal. Thanks for listening to my story.
M.........U said.......I love the sober man I fell in love with when I was 18. I am sad, depressed, bitter, resentful, and angry. I feel like I really got the raw end of the deal, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and on with my day as I still have one son at home. He says we are toxic together, I know in my heart we are only toxic because of his drinking. I feel so weak for pining after someone who has chosen alcohol over his family. Friends and family try and be supportive but they don't understand why I am so devastated and depressed. I'm glad I found this site, I'm trying to navigate around it and see how it can help me heal. Thanks for listening to my story.
First, welcome to our community of alanon, MIP......Look at this quote above....that guy you fell in love with at age 18 is GONE...has BEEN gone for a long time.....the drink took him away...U love the memory of that GONE person, and thats understandable....we all go back to the times when "they weren't so bad" or "when we were young and sooo in love" but then we grow, get older, stuff happens, some of us survive it...some drink themselves into the ground and create misery for all around........
Yea its normal to feel betrayed.....short end of the stick.....screwed over.....used and kicked to the curb.......not appreciated............I know....I felt it too
I drug my bitter, resentful, hateful little self into alanon and decided to find ME.....THIS time I am finding me.........NO more fixing drunks (impossible task) NO more anything re: relationships until I find and fall in love with ME...reclaim me...
I grew up with this....drunks for parents....drunk siblings....2 marriages to drunks.......a narkie niece whom I took away from her mom b/c she was unfit so I got the kid, and sadly she fell into a bad lot and started using w/her now ex husb. who got into NA and he kinda straightened himself up
I spent my life, people pleasing, appeasing, avoiding fights at all costs, giving up my needs/wants to plese the other, I LOST ME....with all this coda people pleasing crap I did to "keep the peace" I LOST ME.....
so here I am 11 years later, finding me, learning boundaries, learning that I have the sovereign right to a respectful, healthy, abundant and good life
I urge you to get literature and work books on the 12 steps...get a sponsor as soon as you can....jump into the meetings if you have to drag yourself...get it goign b/c U will be amazed at how NOT alone you are and those folks can share thier experience and strength and hope w/you.....also read all the alanon literature, and post here and I would read the posts you see here...read our stories....the tragedies turning into triumphs, the bad days becoming less and the good days increasing.....the despair turning into hope....U will see it on this board and u will hear it in the meetings....
Please give this program a chance......it was my life line.....I was suicidal, iwas that messed up.....now???? I want to LIVE and LIVE GOOD....and I am progressing towards that
Take care and welcome to the family
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
There's a great group of folks here...and many (most?) have a story similar to yours. It can get better...but like any wound...the pain takes a while to go away, and as we say in jest when we jam our shin on a table corner "that will leave a mark." Yep...you may have a scar where the wound is/was from living with the disease of alcoholism...
Please be kind to yourself...I try to treat myself at least as well as I would treat a friend going through the same thing. What would you do for one of your besties who was going through this? Do that for YOU.
You will get across the bridge to a healthier place...keep coming back.
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 07:07:00 AM
Hi and welcome to this board. You are in the right place. As has been shared on this board many times, "He's going to drink, now what are YOU going to do?"
I was in your shoes at one time. Married for 30 years to the love of my life. Three lovely daughters. His drinking started to get bad in the last five years. I finally decided to leave, thinking that my leaving would be a wake-up call for him. He stopped drinking for a week or so (he had also gotten two DUIs in 10 years time), then started drinking again. I joined Al-Anon, got a sponsor, and started reading Al-Anon literature every day.
Less than two years after our separation, he died from the effects of his drinking. It was devastating to our family. He was only 52 years old. Thanks to the support I received from Al-Anon (and this board), I'm doing okay. I couldn't save him, but I was able to save myself. Our loved ones don't choose alcohol - the disease chooses them and they are powerless over its hold on them unless they actively seek help.
Sending you a big hug and lots of support right now as you face a tough time for your marriage. We are here for you.
The previous posts were filled with love and wisdom, which you will continue to experience if you "keep coming back". You will hear that phrase often. In our meetings we say "it works if you work it and you are worth it". It might not make sense to you now, but as you engage in the conversation of recovery, you will understand the slogans and the power of the 12 steps. Through this program you will learn to live for you in a peaceful way. We know what you are experiencing; you are not alone. It hurts and it hurts deeply and it is ok. No matter what you feel about yourself, it is ok and you will feel better. (((hugs)))
MIP is a great place to come to a warm family of support! I found the magic happened in my early recovery in my al-anon face to face group where I found my priceless sponsor. My life is so much more manageable than when I first found al-anon and I learned how to really breath and live here. I am so glad you found us and hope you are bale to really dive in and keep coming back. Sending you love and support during this difficult time!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you to each and every one of you who responded to my first post. You would not believe how I felt when I read that there are people out there who can relate and care, kudos to each of you ! I have decided, after giving it much thought (the first being, I'm not attending any meeting I'm not the one with the problem, wrong attitude I know) to today thinking yes, I think I will attend tomorrow night's meeting in my community. I have no idea what to expect but will post how it went. Today was a good day, I was kept so busy at work (ironically I deal with addicts in a HR setting) and I'm with my darling Mom tonight (she is 83, devastated that he did this to me and our sons, which adds another level of sadness and stress to my situation), who lives only 2 houses away from me. I didn't mention in my earlier post, when he left he went to live with a neighbour on our street as he had no where else to go. He is also an alcoholic and has just had a court order to not drink alcohol nor can anyone consume it on his property. So guess what, my spouse looks for other neighbours to hang out at to drink at. We haven't even begun the legal battle of the house, etc. One day at a time. I also want to add that although I am all the things I mentioned in my earlier post, the pit in my stomach isn't in a knot any longer as I know that I'm coming home to nobody drunk and my nights are not spent watching in him disengage and drink and then pass out. Thanks again.
