I just threw everything away - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I just threw everything away

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

Quit beating yourself up.

We have a chance at every moment to start again. We can say from this moment I will practice detaching, I will

do such and such.... Life is not perfect, we are not perfect. We do the best we can in dealing with the disease of

alcoholism. It's not easy, especially when its your child.

Also you needed to see something you might have not been seeing , more reality about this disease. I'm of the belief that

nothing we do is wrong when having to face living with this disease. We are humans, we get upset. seeing our loved ones

drunk is upsetting. We can't deny our emotions sometimes. Sometimes were stronger sometimes we are not. ITS OK.

Its a new day.
Have a great week Cathy, take it easy. One Day At a Time.

Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of July 2013 12:08:27 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of July 2013 12:08:56 PM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:
I'm so so upset ....and so so pissed at him. He's nudging me to play Words with Friends like nothing has happened. What a ass he is.

I can't control my feelings right now. He has hurt me badly and he's never really done that before.

I don't have the tools to overcome this at the moment. I just have to work through it and MAYBE it will pass. someday maybe.
I'm in a really bad bad place and I'm going to do something I don't want to if this doesn't go away.

Maybe just maybe he is now being the way he is because I will not help him and HE is changing.......and that hurts BIG TIME.

Cathy, Don't try to analize the A's behavior. Remember when they are drinking, they are in an altered state.

This program is for you and your serenity and dealing with the disease. He can't change unless he wants too.

You can choose not to be hurt, otherwise you will be hurt all the time. He is doing his manipulation on you. Dont let him.!

Just keep coming back, try to get a sponsor if you can, somebody you can talk to on a day to day basis.

If you want him to keep his distance and that helps you in your recovery , then you must state that to him and keep your boundaries. Its all up to you Cathy.

Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of July 2013 12:18:45 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Cathy

Please, Please remember that you are human and very new to this entire process. Treat yourself with compassion and kindness and then you can give it to others.

I had been in alanon for over 20 years when my son relapsed and boy did I jump on the "fix it" band wagon. I too thought that if he just stopped drinking all would be fine. My denial refused to see that the alcohol and drugs were just the tip of the ice burg of this cunning disease. He had been in recovery for over 12 years but when he relapsed his disease had progressied so much further than it was 12 years earlier.

It is really a "Thinking disease (which I have as well) and until they seek serious recovery any hope of having a meaningful relationship with them is doomed. My son would also sit on the phone for hours and hours "talking to his girlfriend " trying to manipulate her into retuning. She did but nothing changed. '

You are not alone and what you have experienced is just another huge reminder of how much we need this program.

-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 29th of July 2013 04:30:49 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry, Cathy, that you're feeling so low. I have to go to work today and then to court - so I don't have much time. I'll check in on you later.
Good to see that you know the person you can help is you and you know how to do it. When I've slipped and fallen hard, I've learned to simply get up, notice where I slipped, find the step I need to work, and start anew. All the guilt and self-beating I've done hasn't helped. But, accepting this is a One Day at a Time Program and Progress Not Perfection has been an immense help to me in starting fresh. I don't know if it will work for you, but I do know its worked for me. Much, much understanding and experience with the slipping, falling, hurting and then getting back up - and I'm sure it will happen for me again. It's all part of the process/progress. Lighting a candle for you today.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

So you slipped you know where to go and how to get there from here. For me it is easier to get back up, dust myself off and dig back into my al-anon program each time, because I have done it before. I also recognize the crazy train coming to town sooner than I use to, but remember it took you how many years to get here, it won't all be solved in a short time. You are human and that is okay. Slips happen, it is about how you handle it that matters and you are back and digging into your self care and recovery. Forgive yourself, love yourself right where you are- You deserve it and you will get through to the other side in no time. I am sending you much love and support!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I have learned there is no wrong in the eyes of my HP...sometimes we just have to stumble over and over and over again, that is all. It is quite simple, really. So we dust off, be thankful for what we learn and off we go again on stronger footing. Progress not Perfection dear Cathy. ((hugs))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy..It sucks and I'm mad and hurt at myself. I let this happen.... ME!!! I wanted to help somebody you can't help. When will I ever learn.

((((((Cathy))))))) I think you DID learn....that is why U R hurt...disappointed in yourself and you needn't be.....we all do it....we all "fall back" OK?? today is Monday, July 29...a brand new start.....we can always start over....U R here...U R sharing...U owned the mistake.....please be gentle on you.....sending you thoughts of peace an self love and 4giveness for a very human mistake....

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

furious I'm so so upset ....and so so pissed at him. He's nudging me to play Words with Friends like nothing has happened. What a ass he is.

I can't control my feelings right now. He has hurt me badly and he's never really done that before.

I don't have the tools to overcome this at the moment. I just have to work through it and MAYBE it will pass. disbelief someday maybe.

I'm in a really bad bad place and I'm going to do something I don't want to if this doesn't go away.

Maybe just maybe he is now being the way he is because I will not help him and HE is changing.......and that hurts BIG TIME.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

I have booted my program out the 3rd story window so many times I have lost count. That is why it's a program of progress and not perfection. I usually go back to the bottom floor take a look at what the wreckage is tell myself time to put my big girl pants on, stop beating myself up and allow myself to make whatever necessary changes I need to and then make a positive move forward.

It sounds like you already know what you need to do ... I soo encourage you to find a sponsor. That is the biggest and best step I have ever made. It helps clear a lot of the clutter both imagined and real out of my life so I can see what is really going on with me.

Personally I hate not being perfect .. lol .. why can't I work a perfect program perfectly? The reality is .. I'm just not made that way .. I am made to make a choice to make different decisions the next time around.

Thank you for your honest share, it is a good reminder for me in a world where I forget that I'm not perfect, hugs P :)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

HE HAS HURT ME HE IS BAD BAD BAD AND HE HAS HURT HIS MOM. HIS MOTHER THAT HAS HELP HIM THROUGH THICK AND THIN. HE DOESN'T CARE ONE DAMN BIT ONLY WHERE HIS NEXT DRINK IS COMING FROM.

I will start at the bottom and I will overcome this setback.....I have to I have to

BUT HE BETTER KEEP HIS DISTANCE FROM ME OR I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina wrote:

Quit beating yourself up.

We have a chance at every moment to start again. We can say from this moment I will practice detaching, I will
do such and such.... Life is not perfect, we are not perfect. We do the best we can in dealing with the disease of
alcoholism. It's not easy, especially when its your child.
Also you needed to see something you might have not been seeing , more reality about this disease. I'm of the belief that
nothing we do is wrong when having to face living with this disease. We are humans, we get upset. seeing our loved onesdrunk is upsetting. We can't deny our emotions sometimes. Sometimes were stronger sometimes we are not. ITS OK.
- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of July 2013 12:08:27 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of July 2013 12:08:56 PM

((((((((((((Cathy)))))))))))) I agree.....quit beating you up....what is that going to do to help you???? U had a HUMAN experience....U had a horrible weekend....He is your SON.......its ok, Cathy, U WILL be ok.....this program is about progress not perfection, thank heavens b/c I woudl have tossed the program long ago if I had to "get it" each time and not slip??? YA THINK????? I slip all the time...I just become AWARE.....ACCEPT........BEGIN AGAIN.......

Please, bleive me, you are OK....this is just a baaaad cycle you are in and it will go away......just stick w/us....borrow our love and self forgiveness.....borrow our strength, its there....frm us to you.......please take care of you today..............JUST FOR TODAY, I am gonna let go my errors, forgive me and I shall START over again...and again and again, b/c I am human and I am IMperfect and thats OK

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Cathy~

The alcoholics are ALWAYS GOING TO HURT THE ONES THEY TRUST THE MOST & LOVE THE MOST, that's their disease...

So now you can choose to save YOURSELF, get to a meeting, several meetings and find that

sponsor:) She will be the ultimate gift in helping you work these steps so you are no longer a victim

or a volunteer:) We have to do the footwork and turn the rest over to our HP! This is a WE program, reach out, more than just here:) Al-anon offers so much to help you save yourself, but you gotta wanna...just like the alcoholic:)

Prayers &((( Hugs to you!)))

We

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Dear Cathy

Oh, I've been there too. Shocked at how easily all my good tools and skills just slipped away and I turned back into the crazy lady I was at the very start of my al-anon journey. The wonderful news is, you are aware, and you can move forward. Be very gentle with yourself. You didn't act the way you wanted to, but today is a new day. Sending you much love and hugs.

PS - When this happens to me, it makes me realize just how hard it must be for the A to stop their addiction.

oldergal · Senior Member

You have a perfect right to be angry, they get drunk or stoned or full of pills and they either black out or don't remember what they did the next day, and then when u react, they say to themselves why is SHE so MAD!! They don't freaking remember what they do, they don't want to care because then it makes them FEEL their emotions, and heaven forbid if that happens. Its all the disease, its insanity, and don't try to figure that out because it will make you insane too! Be aware that our "ego" is the one that makes us feel so inadequate. Our ego is our "false self" and tells us we must not make mistakes, we gotta be perfect, we gotta "look good". Your human, your real, you are affected by this cunning, tricky, devastating, life sucking disease. Stay on top of your program Cathy. In support Oldergal

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I got so sucked in and yes he doesn't even remember now that you guys say that.... I'm sure. It's like what is wrong with you MOM......why are you freaking out at ME. I'm getting a job, I'm working hard I"M NOT DRINKING OR TAKING DRUGS.....BULL**** He says I'm wrong and crazy and need to get a grip. He's right.....I do and he is the first thing to take out of my life for sanity to happen.

I need to start with the serenity prayer over and over again until my mind is at least calmed down.

I sent him a email to leave me alone and don't even think about coming around or calling me. I told him I loved him, get help and don't ever except me helping him with anything. I told him he can do it if he has the strength and courage to seek it.

HE IS SO SICK SICK SICK and it's making me sick sick sick because I let it. You can't even give support without problems I'm wrong, I'm the problem, I'm the one that hurts him.

Writing this makes me realize nobody....I mean nobody can do it alone. You can get sucked up so easily even with all the knowledge you have.

I hear Betty..... Compassion and Kindness. I have not been compassionate or kind. OMG......I so did wrong.

I'm sorry for my ranting......I will go now and work towards a better life.......again.

Thank you I love you all..

oldergal · Senior Member

Its good you emailed him and got that off your chest, he now knows where you stand, "Boundaries" right.

He is trying to get back with that woman you said he talked to because that is his only option right now, I hope she figures out he will only be using her.

OK now "get over it" and start your new life today!, hurrah!, try your best to get a sponsor. In the mean time stay right on top of your program you know what to do.

Be a little self-centered right now you have some catching up to do. I have always noticed in other posts, you are compassion and gentle. You just have to get over this set-back and you will be yourself again, but a little stronger and wiser. in support Oldergal

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Kindness and compassion for yourself, boundaries and consequences for your son, because you love him.

Tomorrow will be better.

Hugs, Bettina

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

It takes time and we all have slips, it doesn't have to be a huge crisis after the fact, just a learning lesson which I am now learning with a few years in al-anon under my belt. A's are wrecking balls not meaning to be, just comes with the disease and it really is not personal. I have to use detachment with my two otherwise I get sucked in and get angry at them and myself again for not avoiding the situation altogether, which is very hard with family to do. We are human and it take time and practice, you really are knew to all this. Keep working your program and dive in. Sending you love and support!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Cathy. I hope you are feeling a little better tonight? This is a hard hurdle to jump. And - though it will be incredibly difficult for you to believe this now - all this pain and hurt and anger that you are feeling right now will pass. With program work, friends, doing more of what you love to do, it will pass. When I first experienced my own denial breaking open when I realized so much I couldn't see, I wasn't sure I could live or wanted to live anymore. But I did and I do. This, too, will pass, Cathy.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that lying is part of the disease. Often they even believe their own deluded statements.

Being in close quarters with an active alcoholic is too much for many of us. It takes years of practice and detachment to cope with it at all with serenity. But most people never get to that state. The sickness and chaos are too great. They suck in everyone in the vicinity. And the more you care about them, the stronger you feel the chaos. Alcoholism is just doing what it's always done.

Remember the saying QTIP -- Quit Taking It Personally. It's not about you. It's about nothing but the disease. That's how strong the disease is. The most powerful thing we can do is to reclaim our own lives from it. Take good care of yourself.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it would be easier if it weren't your son in harm's way. That momma instinct gets all mixed up with the enabling/fix-it energy. You are a loving, caring, wonderful, and SANE mother who is battling a nasty, rotten, cruel, heartless disease. It isn't you. The disease is taking you to crazy town. Ask for a refund on that ticket, and cancel the trip. wink

A while ago I read something that was really powerful for me. I posted it here a long time ago...but it goes like this. Something bad happens (first arrow) and then we spend lots of time shaming, shoulding, and guilting ourselves for being so stupid (second arrow). The problem for me is not necessarily the bad thing that happened (e.g., the lies your son told) but what I say to myself about that bad situation. The second arrow is what keeps me from healing...

we have to remember that we are human...and bad things happen. Bad things happen to EVERYONE...no matter how smart, powerful...etc. It isn't personal . The whole taking it personal thing is the second arrow..and beating ourselves up will keep us from moving on with new and healthier ways of dealing.

This is a continuous struggle for me...the second arrow.

Please, take care of our friend Cathy. She is kinda special.

RP

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