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Hi, your board is so helpful and I have read it for many years for advice. Now I need some serious help.
After almost 29 years of lying about his secretive binge drinking, I am done with my husband. I'm ready to divorce him and have seen a lawyer who is drawing up papers right now. I will try to be as fair as possible, but the divorce itself is non-negotiable. There is no changing my mind. The damage has been done. Trust is nonexistent. He has emotionally abused me and my daughter for the last time. He is Mr. Nice Guy on the outside, but Mr. Drunk is scary and extremely mean and angry. Only my child and I get to see the alcoholic side of him. He has promised to stop, to go to counseling and AA and rehab, but he never does ANYTHING but binge drink secretly again and again.
My child is 21, out of the country and safe for now.
BUT I worry HOW to TELL him that I am getting a divorce...?
So, does anyone have any ideas about when, where, how and what to say? My lawyer and psychologist have been pretty weak on suggestions. They say to call the police if you feel threatened, but I could be dead by then. I worry that we will have to live in the same house for weeks or months while the divorce is processed. Plus I work from home and he works a late second shift, so he is home ALL THE TIME except for evenings.
He is a heavily armed guy with a gun case full of hunting guns, pistols and ammo.
He threatened suicide the one time he thought I was asking for a divorce, but I just wanted our money separated due to his constant complaining about my "wasteful spending."
I could use some suggestions, since if I just move out, I lose my house for sure. It has crossed my mind just to leave and take an immense financial hit, but I had breast cancer in 2012 and colon cancer three months ago. All is OK now, but I have to look out for my future considering these serious health issues could reoccur.
Thank you for any ideas, suggestions or other information that will help me stay safe and keep him calm. You guys are the best!
I'm glad you have found us. I hope you also have a face-to-face meeting for support.
I am not sure why you would lose your house for sure if you moved out? Is there no way your lawyer can make sure this doesn't happen?
Your soon-to-be-ex is an alcoholic (and therefore irrational), and he has an arsenal of guns. And he has threatened violence, even if "only" to himself, on past occasions in which he felt desperate. To me this sounds like a potentially volatile and dangerous situation. I am alarmed that your lawyer and psychologist have been unhelpful about this.
What I would strongly suggest is that you get in touch with your local domestic violence shelter. They will have trained personnel who have dealt with this kind of situation many times. They will be able to advise you how to get out safely -- out of the marriage and out of the way of your A. Please take their advice seriously. It is much, much better to be safe than sorry. Too many women have thought, "Well, I bet nothing bad will happen, so I'll just..." (fill in the blank: stay in the house, be alone with him one last time, meet up with him one last time, go back for some clothes...) But then tragedy happens.
Your local domestic violence shelter will take this possibility seriously and will know the steps for keeping yourself safe. You should call them from a phone that your A has no access to, for instance a phone away from home. Violent men often escalate their rage when they discover that their partners have been making concrete plans to leave. You don't want to let him know until you are already safe. You should probably also cover your tracks on the computer -- erase your browsing history so he can't see that you've been on this site. Don't leave yourself signed in.
There are more suggestions on the site of the National Domestic Violence hotline -- http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/#2
The fact that you are concerned about how to tell him suggests that you already realize that he is dangerously volatile. When I decided to split up with my alcoholic husband, who is a mess but completely non-violent, by contrast, we kept on living together for a few weeks while he got ready to go, and he was cooperative and resigned and it was no big deal. I think we already know how our partners are going to react. The fact that you are worried is a realistic sign. Therefore I would not tell him anything until you are already out of the house, have a solid plan, and are safe.
You probably know that Al-Anon does not offer advice or advise a person to leave their A -- unless there is actual danger. That's why I'm offering advice rather than merely experience, strength, and hope. Your life is more important than any possession, even a house.
That said, I've known women who moved out and yet retained ownership of the house. (Or the house was sold and the proceeds split in various ways.) I hope your lawyer can give you good advice about this. If not, maybe a different lawyer is in order.
Please take very good care of yourself. I know this whole situation is so hard. Hugs.
I had to move out for fear of what his reaction would have been, he was great sober but the black outs were scary, so I did and I could have made him put the house up for sale and split the money or I could have bought him out of the house, which I could not afford or figured out another way to get it, but I did not want to. So I rent and he has the house now, which worked out better for me. Since you know you want the house that is something that will have to be figured out with the lawyers. I would move out then let him know and battle it out while you are safe! He doesn't have to know where you rent a place and that ensures your safety. If you can get packed up and out before he gets home and let him be served when he gets home you will not have to see him and worry about his reaction. I would get ahold of a domestic violence place that deals with this sort of thing also, they will be able to help you locally. Have you been attending al-anon meetings for support through this could be very helpful and maybe others there have faced this. I am glad you came here to seek our ESH, but you know your situation better than we do and safety always comes first. Take care of yourself! I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
He has guns...he is a drunk...he is nasty...he does not really want the divorce b/c that would mean change for him.....all a recipe for tragedy...
I would get ahold of the nearest DV shelter and get their guidance on this
not sure you lose the house if you leave, maybe temporary while courts get HIM out, but there again...I woud contact the domestic violence shelter people and follow what they say...........this guy has potential to be really dangerous
also with your health issues, I doubt you would lose house, there there again, get help...get advice from the ones who know
also, in the meantime, keep it quiet till you talk to the DV experts
Also, i would work my program, go to meetings, work the steps, find a good sponsor b/c your going to need to work your program to keep your head level...
Don't take chances with this guy.....many women have died, thinking "oh he won't hurt me............" and they do....so please take all the precautions you need....its not about being sneaky, its about keeping you alive....He did this........He brought this karma on himself....why should u have to suffer more??? or be in danger????
Please get ahold of a DV facility, and lay it all on them and see what they can advise you....this is wht they are there for....
PEACE and SAFETY energy I send to you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha 1984...the disease trains us well on how to live with insanity and to compensate successfully in all the wrong ways...For me had I not found the Al-Anon Family Groups I would be in much more insanity than back then. You mind may be working without the compensation of the sanity of the rooms. There are many more alternative solutions to be heard and learned and chosen rather than the default ones that are always arrived at historically. I would suggest that before you just continue on your solution alone that you take a seat in the family groups in your area first. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book...call it and find out where and when we get together in your town and then come sit and listen with an open mind. You won't have to do much more than that to start. It will be very very different than how you are handling things now.
By the way your alcoholic already knows that you may be planning a divorce...that is one of the tapes that has been running in his head as he has become concerned about his secretive binge drinking...Alcoholics are sick...not dumb. They suffer from a life threatening disease which they know causes everyone problems including themselves. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
