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I'm so sick of the lies. And its not just about alcohol. Almost a year ago he gave up chewing tobacco. Recently I've been suspect that he started chewing again. So I ask. Calmly. To his face and lovingly. And I get no.... No ... No and no.
So I asked again yesterday because I had proof of spit stains on the car door.. no... No...
And finally yes. Then he proceeded to tell me he picked up a bottle of pain killers that a doc prescribed. Guilt hit him and he felt like shit and told me he doesn't know why he lies and that's why he's finally working his program after these 4 year of supposetly being clean and sober. Right. So tell me why during his first two weeks he started chewing again and got a hold of some pills. Well he says he threw pills down storm drain near a meeting he was at Cus after meeting he felt guilty . But he said he is gonna continue to chew but not in front of me or kids. I say why!!! Don't hide it. He said he feels like a failure. I said good!!!! Hes attempting to work his program but struggling .
My question is what now. Yes I'm gonna work mine and go to meeting and pray I can find a sponsor. I don't know if I can ever trust him.I am disgusted by the thought of him chewing. Apparently he feels left out at meetings and work when all the guys are chewing and smoking. It's all about his disease. The beer, the meth, the pills, the caffeine, the nicotine.. and there is only one solution. I'm just so irritated and mad. And I wanna cry.
YOU......Yes I'm gonna work mine and go to meeting and pray I can find a sponsor. I don't know if I can ever trust him.I am disgusted by the thought of him chewing. Apparently he feels left out at meetings and work when all the guys are chewing and smoking. It's all about his disease. The beer, the meth, the pills, the caffeine, the nicotine.. and there is only one solution. I'm just so irritated and mad. And I wanna cry.
ME..........the 3 C's come to mind......you did not cause his problems....you cannot control him....You cannot cure him.....
You can only help you....meetings....steps....sponsor work....literature study....slogans practice......all of it....its all you can do.....YOU are the only one you can help
Alanon doesn't suggest you leave him or stay with him, it just suggests you detach from his stuff and work on yours..............for me??? Trust is a big issue....Its a deal breaker for me....and hes got all these issues??? alcohol, drugs, and the rest, and lying goes with it...thats just part of the diseased person.........I cant tell you what to do, its not my right, or place, but I CAN urge you to keep working on you...focus on you....quit trying to get a liar to be honest....when you look at it (problem) AS IS....no why this or why that but this is WHAT it is., you can then move on to the best avenue to take care of you
I would just detach from him, let him and his stuff go...its not your problem or your arena to work on. let it GO.....focus on you....thats all I can say.....I do hope you seriously get into your program , quit thinking about him and start thinking of and loving you...with the help of alanon , you can...............PEACE be with you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha Mama...and what you're involved in now is the perfect description of insanity as we in the program know it. Part of the insanity for me which was worse than my alcoholic/addicts behavior is that I couldn't keep a principal or promise I made either and it drove me crazy because I was stuck on blaming and judging her and my part was making me sicker than anything else. A female friend of mine once asked me to sponsor her innto her 4th step and I told her, after thinking about it, that I would agree to do it as long as she never used the pronoun he, him, husband, husband's name, or anything referring to her alcoholic. She agreed and the consequence of her work was a miracle involving both of them. Detachment is a great form of "giving up on him". Go lead a meeting on it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Hi. Hard to detach. Glad you're going to meetings. He's an addict doing what addicts do. He might admit he's doing whatever bothers you and promise to stop, but he probably won't until he does. This you can trust. Al-Anon will help you slowly find new things to do and people to be with and things to think about and his side of the street won't be so bothersome to you. Glad you're here. We have on-line meetings, too, which are helpful together with the f2f meetings.
I so agree with Jerry's last comment , Detachment is a great form of "giving up on him". I love that. We don't get to make the rules for other people no matter how close they are to us.
Concentrating and working your program is the only thing we can do, nothing else works. None of our manipulations, pleading, crying, etc. , none. Detachment is the word here.
So best keep on going forward and keep coming back.
Hugs, Bettina
I am sick of the lies too but I also lied. I tell my son one thing and do another. I let the insanity into my home yesterday because I lied to myself and let it happen. I have feelings yes for my son but not to the point making me sick like yesterday. Until we let go completely and not obsess on the lies ( because that's what they do ) we are caught up and crazy trying to fix and control it. We want the truth or admission to something that we will never get. We can't expect to get bread from a hardware store.
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I am sick of the lies too but I also lied. I tell my son one thing and do another. I let the insanity into my home yesterday because I lied to myself and let it happen. I have feelings yes for my son but not to the point making me sick like yesterday. Until we let go completely and not obsess on the lies ( because that's what they do ) we are caught up and crazy trying to fix and control it. We want the truth or admission to something that we will never get. We can't expect to get bread from a hardware store.
((( hugs ))))
Cathy, how is it going today????? hope better, and yea, I used to go to hardware store for bread....not anymore.....and unrealistic expectations lead me to pre meditated resentments....all I gotta do is think how I let D#2 jerk me around...I dont expect anything from her...I detach w/peace and love for ME
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
This is a tough one. I hate smoking...I really hate it. (similar to chewing - which might even be worse to live with cuz that is a disgusting habit in my mind). BUT- I known that my drinking and the drinking habits of other alcoholics are FAR worse. So I revert to first things first.
It does seem like your husband is not drinking...the pain pills are a little more than disconcerting. I hear the "struggling part" but it sounds like he's being honest about that at least. To me, it sounds like for whatever reason, he needs a crutch right now..some chemical or bad habit crutch. He has the right to make bad health choices right?
If it were me (and I know I'm not in your shoes) - I'd just leave the chewing thing alone.
You are right that during times when his program is not strong - he will gravitate towards those unhealthy crutches to "not feel" things. That IS his disease. It's not going to go away. At least he's going to AA and not drinking (so it would seem). Not to invalidate your frustrations at all cuz they are valid. Just trying to give suggestion to some thoughts that could lead to greater acceptance and then detachment.
He's an addict/alcoholic - sounds like the struggles he's having are typical ones and if he was really truthful about his sick thoughts, you would say "Are you crazy? Why do you want to do that????" So he lies or lies by omission. It's pointless to challenge an alcoholic/addict about their substance use. When sober and working a program - the answer is typically and honest "no" but it remains "no" when they are drinking and using too so... I'm not saying you are putting him in a position to lie....just that it is what it is.
My exAh stopped drinking while we were married for over a year a couple times and each time he picked up some less terrible habit like once eating cigars, it grossed me out, but made me laugh at the same time. The few times I would say something he said what I am not drinking or smoking and well I left it alone it was up to him to cope without the alcohol however he saw fit. I was not perfect myself to go on nagging him to get rid of all his weird coping mechanisms so we lived at peace until he started drinking again and he got back to the old crazy behavior that was not safe. Are you attending al-anon meetings, have a sponsor? Staying on my side of the street is crucial for me to avoid the stinkin thinking that gets me trying to change the things I can't = insanity at it's finest. Take care of yourself! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
New here so might be overstepping my boundaries.... But I think chewing would be the least of my concerns. I understand how you hate it and that he lied.... But at same time he is choosing something to cope that is not drinking or drugs. Yes I understand it is a drug, but its not illegal.
If you bash every coping item that he tries you are forcing him to lie. Because you want him to only pick coping stratifies that you deem acceptable. But you are not him. If dipping is the worst thing he does I would say he is doing good!
